


It's Complicated

by RandomFandomJasper



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half life but the ai are self aware
Genre: ADHD Gordon, Autistic Benrey, Dissociation, GIVE IT TIME, Mentions of surgery, Nonbinary Benrey, Panic Attacks, Stimming, Trans Gordon, but trauma is a bitch, everyone has to work out their shit, forgiveness is hard, it's not all angst i promise, listen, the frenery is slow going, there is fluff, yes i'm projecting but so is everyone else in this fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:07:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 65,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26520367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomFandomJasper/pseuds/RandomFandomJasper
Summary: Benrey never expected to wake up. Nobody expected them to wake up, really. But they were awake, and that was kind of a Weird Problem. Namely for Gordon, who can't decide how he feels about Benrey being back. Lots of conflicted feelings all around. When it comes to the Benrey situation, there's only one thing that anyone knows for sure...it's complicated.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Dr. Coomer/Bubby, Tommy Coolatta/Darnold
Comments: 239
Kudos: 712





	1. Nothing but Time

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhhhhh, this is the first thing i've written for this fandom sorry if it sucks. i think i did an okay job tagging, but i'll add more things if shit happens in later chapters.

Time was a funny thing.

You could try to keep track of it for a while. Count the seconds until they became minutes. Count the minutes until they became hours. Count the hours until you lose count, then you start all over again. Eventually you think it’s been a few days. Or weeks, maybe. After a while you stop caring.

Everything becomes nothing. It’s all emptiness as far as the eye can see.

This had actually turned out a lot worse than Benrey thought it would, and they had already expected it to go pretty bad.

Dying, they could handle. Benrey had died a lot of times. Not, like, _permanently._ Just little deaths. Sure their heart hit the pause button and their brain stopped working temporarily, but they always had enough juice to restart themself. It was easy. Painful, sometimes, but doable.

That was before Xen.

God, _Xen…_ Benrey never really expected to be going back. Never really _wanted_ to go back, but they did. And they had hated it, almost being part of that world again. A couple of years ago, maybe they wouldn’t have minded it. Maybe they would have even _wanted_ to go back. Back to where it was… well, maybe not _safe,_ but at least there weren’t fucking _scientists._

Xen didn’t have tests and procedures. They weren’t an experiment on Xen. They were part of something _bigger_ than themself and there was something comforting about that. Knowing you had a place in your world.

But it didn’t have Josh. It didn’t have Jefferem. It didn’t have soda or videogames or road trips. Xen didn’t have free thought or laughter. You were Xen, and that’s all you were. After escaping confinement, Josh and Jefferem had helped them see the better parts of Earth, even if it _was_ just within Black Mesa’s walls.

Benrey couldn’t go back to being nothing after that. Not again.

And they wouldn’t have had to go through that stupid portal at all if Gordon had just fucking _listened._

Benrey blinked in the dying light. Or something like light. It was their life, they were pretty sure, and they were watching it fade away. Had been for a while. 

They tried to reach out and grab it, keep it close, hang on to life for a little while longer, but their body had long since become nebulous and definitely not something they could control. Or feel, for that matter.

So they watched. And they waited. And they thought. Mostly about Gordon.

Humans were stupid. _Especially_ Gordon Freeman. Except, not really, because Gordon was a 27 year old theoretical physicist who’d been working in Black Mesa for three years. Benrey knew all the scientists in Black Mesa, and they had never seen anyone as young as Gordon working there, aside from maybe an intern or two. The guy was a certifiable genius.

If Gordon was so _smart_ , then why didn’t he listen? Benrey knew what they were talking about, why didn’t Gordon trust them?

 _Probably because you got his hand cut off,_ a voice outside themself mused.

Oh yeah. They _did_ do that, huh?

Well, it’s not like they _meant_ to do that.

Although, it didn’t really matter that they hadn’t _meant_ to. It still happened. It still sucked. It still hurt Gordon.

The military wasn’t supposed to _hurt_ Gordon; they were just supposed to… take him _away._ Away from Black Mesa and away from that _stupid_ portal. Because Benrey knew what was through that portal, and it wasn’t good, and he didn’t want their friends going there.

Though, they supposed the Scientist Team never actually considered them a _friend._ Tommy did, maybe, for a while. They doubted he would still want to be their friend after… all that. But it didn’t matter who considered who friend, Benrey _still_ didn’t want them going to Xen. Because compassion or some shit.

Also, Nihilanth wasn’t fond of visitors.

Nihilanth, the center of the hivemind. Nihilanth, the baddest bad on Xen. Nihilanth, who would have hunted down the Science Team and slaughtered each member until they were dead and gone and there was _nothing_ left, and humans _didn’t_ come back.

Not even an HEV suit could save Gordon from something that could control an entire _planet_ of enemies.

The _plan_ had been to get close to the room, sneak away from the group, and _destroy_ the portal. Then it looked like Gordon might be a little bit more than they could handle, a little more stubborn. They wouldn’t be able to _do_ anything with him around. So it was Plan B.

Plan B had seemed pretty solid, at first. The military wanted to take Gordon away, Benrey wanted Gordon to be away. Handing him over and _then_ destroying the portal seemed like a good idea at the time. They could’ve gotten Gordon back afterwards, if he didn’t manage to escape himself. Knowing Gordon, he probably could’ve pulled off an escape.

Obviously, Plan B didn’t go so fucking great.

They were back to Plan A: sneaking away and destroying the portal. Except they _couldn’t_ sneak away because everyone was suspicious of them, and never let them out of sight. Which was fair, probably (definitely), but that just made their job harder.

Maybe if they had told everyone about Nihilanth… maybe if they _explained_ what they knew, then the Science Team wouldn’t have gone through the portal. Maybe annoying Gordon into turning back wasn’t the ‘incredibly smart gamer strategy’ they thought it was.

But would they have trusted Benrey? If the Science Team found out they were an alien--and not just _any_ alien, one of the aliens from _Xen…_ would they have listened?

Didn’t matter now. Plan C had worked, so it was worth it. In the end, everything--even _dying_ \--had been worth it.

They made the Science Team turn around. They made Gordon go back to Earth. That was all that really mattered, right?

See, the trick wasn’t that they hadn’t _annoyed_ Gordon enough into turning around. They just hadn’t _scared_ him enough into turning around. Benrey could do scary. After all, they had scared all the scientists in Black Mesa real good, hadn’t they?

Scary enough that the scientists wanted to study them out of morbid curiosity alone. Scary enough that when they escaped, not a single one of them bothered looking for them. Scary enough that Black Mesa would have rather let an alien walk the Earth than go after it.

All those smart people in one building… you’d think at least _one_ of them would have thought to check right under their noses. Earth was _never_ going to be safe for someone--some _thing_ \--like Benrey. Why would they ever leave Black Mesa?

Oh well. Maybe they should just be thankful Black Mesa was full of oblivious assholes. Shapeshifting came in handy when you wanted to blend in with a bunch of humans, and no one even questioned the ‘new security guard’.

Shapeshifting came in handy for other things too. Nihilanth may have been the baddest bad on Xen, but Benrey didn’t _need_ to be baddest bad. They just needed to be the _bigger_ bad.

And it worked.

It was fine, at first. Fighting their sort-of friends had been… less than pleasant. But it’s not like they _actively_ fought back. It was all mostly just for show. Especially since taking a form that big sapped a lot of energy anyway, not to mention trying to heal themself after every shot.

Benrey had a lot of power, but there was still only so much they could take. That Devil Gun had just about done it, too. Almost wiped them out completely.

Thankfully, they had time for _one_ last show. One last big exit from the final boss. The explosion had probably looked so _fucking_ cool, not that the Science Team had stuck around to see. Couldn’t blame them for that, really. The explosion probably would have killed them too.

In any case, they were pretty sure it destroyed the portal. Right along with their stupid body. It’d taken whatever little bit of power they had left, but hey. What’s a little death between friends?

Now they were here. Wherever _here_ was.

… where were they again?

They were beginning to realize that permanent death was a lot more than they were bargaining for.

The question _‘Why?’_ kept flying around their mind. Or whatever was left of their mind. The whole horrific trip through the alien-infested Black Mesa, they kept wondering _why?_ They were really trying to avoid answering it.

Why travel with the Science Team? Why help Gordon Freeman? Why stick around for so long? It was pretty obvious no one likes them. Gordon had even said it. Several times. So _why?_

Maybe because it was because of the friendly ‘howdy’ he gave everyone when he walked through the halls. Or maybe it was the way he had laughed at their jokes and _bbbbbb_ -ed back at them. Or maybe it was because Benrey secretly delighted in the fact that he wanted to be a streamer.

Maybe it was just _Gordon._

…

Benrey wasn’t stupid.

They weren’t _smart,_ by any means. They didn’t know anything about theoretical physics and they wouldn’t be able to tell you how gravity works and they had no idea what colors were made of, but they weren’t _stupid._

Maybe Gordon didn’t _always_ hate them, but he definitely did towards the end. Benrey knew. He _shot_ them in the _head._ A lot. And screamed something about how much he _wished_ he could _kill_ them.

They were lucky they were operating on almost full-power that day, otherwise they might not have been able to fix those as seamlessly as they did.

There were definitely a few that didn’t heal up so nice. On the days they weren’t feeling so great, had a little less power to work with, too tired from teleporting or coming back from the dead. They didn’t always have the energy to do a seamless fix.

You didn’t get experimented on for years and then survive an apocalypse without getting a few scars out of it.

Sometimes you just didn’t survive the apocalypse at all.

That light was _really_ starting to go now, wasn’t it? The longer they stared, the dimmer it got. It scared them to watch but they were too afraid to look away. Which was stupid. The light would go out eventually, no matter what they did. Whether they watched it happen or not didn’t matter. It would disappear, and they would too.

Oh.

They were dying.

Like, actually _dying._

Benrey wasn’t sure why it was just hitting them all at once, but it was. And, honestly, it was pretty overwhelming. Feelings weren’t exactly their strong suit, mostly because any and all emotions they displayed got studied by a flock of white-clad scientists. Jefferem had called it _repression._

Man, they really missed Josh and Jefferem…

They missed Tommy and Bubby and Coomer. They missed Sunkist, the best dog. They didn’t really even know Darnold, but they missed him too.

And they missed Gordon. Probably more than they should.

_“Benrey?”_

Hm. That was weird. They were sure that there wasn’t anyone else there but them. Probably wasn’t too important, since they were dying. Light was almost out.

Were they supposed to be this afraid?

_“Benrey, is that- is that you?”_

Why was that voice getting closer? Couldn’t they just die a miserable death in peace? Wasn’t it enough that they were watching the last flames of their life flicker away right before their eyes? Now there was some _voice_ just _yelling_ at them.

It was vaguely familiar, though…

_“Benrey!”_

Something latched on to their arm. Which was odd, because they couldn’t even feel their arm a few seconds ago. Then they were pulled backwards, almost painfully, just as the last of the light faded out.

Then a new light flooded their vision. After being stuck in the dark for so long, it looked so bright and foreign and, _fuck,_ that _hurt._

Actually, _everything_ hurt. Their head hurt and their chest hurt and they could barely stand on their own two feet. Their eyes adjusted enough to make out two figures, one holding their barely conscious body, and the other just kind of standing there. Two pairs of _very_ familiar electric blue eyes.

Tommy and G-Man?

“… what?”

That was pretty much all they managed to say before their consciousness slipped from them.


	2. Forgiving Advice

It'd been a long three months. Probably the longest three months of Gordon's entire fucking life. Between the therapy and making his house livable again, it'd been a tough time all around. Luckily, his ex was kind enough to take Josh for a while. Gordon didn't go into details, obviously, he wasn't allowed to. His ex didn't press him about it though, and he was thankful for that.

He was thankful for the Science Team, too. Bubby was actually the one who had suggested therapy and urged him to go until he relented. Dr. Coomer reminded him to go visit Josh at his ex's place every few days. Tommy kept finding ways to get him out of the house. The park, his place, or even just the store.

They were helping him, in their own ways. Despite the panic attacks and the random bursts of phantom pain and the general anxiety about every fucking thing, they were helping him.

And every couple of weeks, they all gathered at Tommy's place for movie night. It almost always ended with them arguing over the quality of the movie, but it was a nice kind of fighting. Playful, even. It was a nice change of pace from Black Mesa.

Movie night had rolled around again, so Gordon wasn’t surprised to get a phone call from Tommy. The man had been keeping in contact with everyone, including Gordon, which he found rather nice. He’d even convinced his father to fix Gordon’s arm. There weren’t enough words in the world to express how grateful he was for that.

He picked up the phone and put it on speaker. “Hey, Tommy.”

_“Hi, Mr. Freeman.”_

Gordon rolled his eyes at the formality. “You know, you _are_ allowed to call me Gordon.”

Tommy made a sound like he didn’t particularly care. _“Mr. Freeman is, uh- it's more fun to say.”_

Gordon laughed a bit. “If you say so, man.” He started pacing around the living room. “So, what’s up? This about movie night?”

_“Oh! Yeah, movie night is still on. But actually I... well, I have news.”_

“Good news or bad news?”

Tommy paused. _“I- I have… news.”_

That was a little more ominous that Gordon would have liked. “Alright, well, care to fill me in?”

_“Benrey’s alive.”_

Gordon wasn’t even sure if he had heard Tommy speak. The words seemed too far away to come from the phone. “Can y… can you run that by me one more time?”

 _“They’re alive,”_ Tommy repeated. _“We’re not sure… my father and I, we got them back, but, uh, it’s touch and go. Been un- unconscious since yesterday.”_

“Tell me where,” Gordon demanded. “A-are they at Black Mesa still? Or- did they- fuck.” He wasn’t even sure why he was so worked up.

No, that was a lie. He _did_ know why he was getting so worked up. Because he had _finally_ managed to push Benrey out of his mind for a while, but now they were back. A whirlwind of thoughts and memories were flooding back to him, and he was _far_ from prepared to deal with them.

The broken sentences, the endless teasing, the occasional joke that caught Gordon so off guard that he just _had_ to laugh.

The arguments about the passport, the pigeon they’d shot for no reason, the times they’d asked Gordon if he needed help getting across something.

The way they’d conspired with the military, got his hand cut off, and looked so genuinely lost and confused as to _why_ it was _gone_ because the soldiers weren’t supposed to do that.

The terrifying fight where they had loomed over them, screaming something that Gordon never been able to figure out, just that it’d shook him to the core for some fucking reason.

_Stop it! Stop shooting or I’ll have to shoot back! Get away from me!_

Gordon leaned against the wall for a moment to collect his thoughts. If Benrey was alive, then they needed to _talk._ He might be a little confused about how he felt about them, but it wasn’t like he _cared_ about the guy. Benrey owed him an explanation. That's all.

_“Mr. Freeman, they d- they were killed on… on Xen, they wouldn’t be in Black Mesa.”_

“Then where _are_ they?”

Tommy paused before answering. _“My house. I can- I’ll send Dr. Coomer to come get you. You sound, um... a little too stressed to drive.”_

Gordon hated that Tommy was right, but he did have a point. “Shit. Okay.” Gordon ran a hand through his hair. “God, fuck- where are _you_ right now?”

 _“Here. At the house, I mean. With Benrey.”_ There was a brief conversation between Dr. Coomer and Tommy that Gordon barely heard before he came back on the line. _“He’s on- he's on his way, Mr. Freeman. Shouldn’t take too long.”_

“Thanks.” Gordon sat down on the couch, trying to get his breathing under control. “Is- how are they? Are they, like, _dying_? Or are they... okay?”

_“... can you define what you’d, uh... consider ‘okay’?”_

_“Tommy,”_ Gordon said desperately.

There was a long silence before Tommy spoke again. _“I-it’s not great, Mr. Freeman. Benrey is- they’re a little banged up. They’ll be fine, I think, but they’re pretty out of it right now. Passed out as soon as they- as soon as we got them back.”_

Gordon nodded, mostly to himself. “Okay, so, not great. But they’re… _gonna_ be okay?”

 _“Eventually,”_ Tommy agreed. _“Probably gonna be… really tired. They weren’t in a- it wasn’t a great place to be, Mr. Freeman. They’ll be out of it for- probably for a while..”_ He was quiet for a few seconds. _“Are you sure you wanna come over? I mean, you two didn’t really… get along.”_

“I know,” Gordon said. “I think I… well, I managed to make it work with everyone else. So maybe I can--and this is a big fucking _maybe_ … try to talk to them? I’m not really sure how to feel about all this, but I want to at least hear what they have to say for themself.”

Tommy sighed. _“It’s not- that’s harder than it sounds. That’s gonna take a lot of- lots of work. For you and them."_

“Didn’t say it was gonna be easy.” Gordon took the phone in his left hand so that he could look at the scar on his right arm. “Just that I want to try. Maybe.” He let his hand drop. “Tommy?”

_“Yeah, Mr. Freeman?”_

“I’m, like, still super _fucking_ terrified of that guy. Okay?”

_“I know.”_

Gordon sighed. “And I _do_ want to… I don’t know, talk to them, I guess. I’m gonna have to eventually. Especially if… well, I don’t know.”

 _“I think it’s- it’s great that you want to talk,”_ Tommy said. _“It’s very brave of you.”_

“No, I mean-” Gordon pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m telling you that I might… react. Badly. When I see them.”

Tommy hummed. _“I thought- I thought you might. Trauma is a- it's a bitch, you know?”_

Gordon chuckled. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.” He stood to start pacing again, suddenly anxious. “Anyway, I had a point here. I need you to um… if I start, like, being a dick. Or whatever. I need you to call me out on it.”

 _“I will,”_ Tommy promised. _“And I’ll call Benrey on it too, if they start- if they act out.”_

“That’s… actually really good to hear, Tommy. Thanks.” Gordon would be lying if he said that he wasn’t a little worried about that. “How is everyone else taking the news?”

_“Dr. Coomer took it best, I think. And Bubby is- well, Bubby is kinda just being… very Bubby.”_

“Grumpy Bubby or Angry Bubby?”

 _“... yes?”_ Came the uncertain reply. _“It’s more like, uh… Judgy Bubby. Sitting on the couch and glaring. Just- just a little bit, though.”_

Gordon snorted. “Fantastic. Gonna be some great energy in the room when Benrey wakes up.” He drummed his fingers against the back of the chair as he passed it. “You think they’re gonna be okay with us? Benrey, I mean. Do you think we’re gonna be able to talk to them?”

 _“I don’t know,”_ Tommy said honestly. _“But I really, uh, hope so.”_ There was a commotion on Tommy’s end of the line, Bubby’s voice the only thing that Gordon could really make out. _“I have to go, Mr. Freeman. I’ll see you in a while.”_

“For sure, man. I’ll see you later.” Gordon disconnected the call and shoved his phone in his pocket. He kept pacing to get rid of the nervousness building in his stomach.

This was actually happening. Benrey was alive. Benrey was _alive_ and passed out at Tommy’s house. Tommy was admittedly vague on the _how_ , but at this point, Gordon had learned to stop questioning things.

What could he even _say_ to Benrey? He couldn’t hold a conversation with Bubby for _weeks_ after Black Mesa. How the fuck was he supposed to talk to Benrey? After all the shit they did?

After all the shit _he_ did.

Gordon shoved the thought away. Benrey had provoked Gordon repeatedly, his reaction was _justified_ . Why should he have to be the one that played nice? His _hand_ got cut off because of Benrey, he was _right_ to be afraid of them.

Even if they really _didn’t_ mean it.

A knock at the door pulled Gordon from his thoughts. How long had he spaced out for?

“Dr. Coomer?” Gordon called as he approached the door. “That you?” He opened the door to see a familiar face beaming back at him.

“Hello, Gordon!”

Gordon smiled. “Hey, Dr. Coomer. Let me just- I gotta put some shoes on and I’ll be ready to go.”

Dr. Coomer nodded. “Take your time, Gordon. I’ll be waiting in the car.”

“Thanks.” He closed the door again and tried to pull himself together. “You can do this, Gordon.”

Somehow, muttering to himself wasn’t making him feel any better.

He put his shoes on and contemplated bringing a jacket. After a moment of consideration, he decided to bring one just in case he stayed late. Nights could get cold in New Mexico.

With the jacket secured around his waist, he went out to meet Dr. Coomer in the car. Neither one of them really said much as Gordon slipped into the passenger side and pulled the seat belt over his chest.

Dr. Coomer didn’t say anything about Gordon checking the seat before he sat down.

They drove in silence for a while, the only thing breaking the silence was some vaguely familiar 80s song playing over the radio.

“How are you doing, Gordon?” Dr. Coomer asked suddenly. “Did you take the news well?”

“News? What- oh. Benrey. Yeah.” Gordon ran a hand through his hair. “I’m gonna be honest here, I’m not… totally sure how I feel about it.”

“That’s quite alright,” Dr. Coomer assured him. “There are conflicted feelings all around.”

Gordon leaned against the door. “I guess you’re right.” He hesitated for a moment. “Have you ever tried to um… forgive somebody who hurt you? Like, in a really bad way.”

Dr. Coomer nodded. “Of course. The day Bubby and I first met, he gave me quite the burn.”

“What?!” Gordon exclaimed. “Wait, _why?”_

“He was afraid,” Dr. Coomer replied simply. “I was a scientist, and he didn’t want to go back in his tube. I wasn’t there to put him back, obviously, but he didn’t know that. He reacted first and… well, Bubby wasn’t always great at controlling his fire.”

Gordon blinked. “That’s- wow. But you guys are so close. How did you..?”

“Forgive him?” Dr. Coomer asked. “It took a while, I will admit, but I got there. That didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid of him. Every time I saw him, I thought he might burn me again. He never did, though. And eventually I got past the fear, too.”

“Wait.” Gordon waved his hand around. “Wait, wait, wait. You forgave him _and_ you were still afraid of him? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Dr. Coomer tilted his head, but he didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Why not? He didn’t mean to do it, and he made an effort to be better. But I still held him accountable.” He glanced at Gordon meaningfully. “So long as someone makes an effort to do good, then you can offer forgiveness as you see fit, even if it takes a while to give.”

“And… if they _don’t_ make an effort?”

“Then you owe them nothing.” Dr. Coomer’s gaze returned to the road. “You don’t really owe them forgiveness either way. That’s your business. But they _will_ need to be held accountable for their actions.”

Somehow, that had actually helped them sort out his feelings about a few things. “Thanks, Dr. Coomer.”

“You’re welcome, Gordon.”

The rest of the ride was comfortably quiet. Gordon still had plenty of conflicting feelings about Benrey, but it felt easier to manage now. He’d need to hear Benrey’s side of the story before he decided anything, of course, but whatever the outcome was, Gordon could handle it.

At least, he hoped he could.


	3. The Best Part of Waking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um... sorry if this chapter is lacking substance at all. This chapter exists because I'm having a hard time getting the movie night stuff where I want to be? It's been a hot fucking minute since I've had to juggle this many characters in a fic, and I want to make sure I'm doing a good job. Especially with all their zany, wild, clashy personalities.

Benrey woke up. They weren’t sure how they felt about that.

On the one hand, it was kind of a relief to be alive. On the other hand, if Tommy had gotten them back, it wouldn’t be long until everyone else found out. Depending on how long they'd been asleep, maybe everyone else already knew, and the entire Science Team hated them so they weren’t really expecting a warm welcome.

What if Gordon knew they were alive?

That thought alone was enough to get Benrey to sit up. They almost immediately regretted it. Their head spun and their eyes threatened to close again. Man, it was _way_ too tempting to just lay back down and go back to sleep.

But sleep was dark and lonely, except for when it wasn’t. And when it wasn’t dark, it was far scarier than it had any right to be.

Wait, was that _dreaming?_ Why did humans sleep all the fucking time if _that’s_ what they saw?

“No more sleep for Benrey,” they muttered to themself. “Gamers don’t need sleep.” And they really _didn't_ need it anyway. Now that they weren’t _dead,_ they could set to work fixing all their shit. Their energy should be back up after their little power nap, right?

First, they had to assess how bad the actual damage was. Benrey hauled themself out of bed and realized… they had no fucking idea where they were. Also, they were dizzy. That was new. They leaned against the wall to steady themself.

They were in Tommy’s house, probably. It made the most sense. But how were they supposed to know their way around this place? They’d never _been_ in a house before. The dorms in Black Mesa were the closest they had ever gotten to being in a house, and that _barely_ qualified.

It’s not like they’d ever stayed the night in the dorms either. Black Mesa was a big place, and it operated twenty-four seven. Nobody ever minded or even _noticed_ an extra security guard walking around, so that was how Benrey spent most of their time. Just wandering Black Mesa.

Of course, they’d been to Josh and Jefferem’s dorms quite a few times. Playing videogames and the like. They wondered what those two were doing now that Black Mesa was... huh.

Benrey sat back down on the edge of the bed. Right… Josh and Jefferem. Where were they? It’s not like they could have stuck around Black Mesa, the place was probably destroyed. Josh probably went home to his girlfriend, and Jefferem… back to his brother’s place?

A memory tugged at the back of their tired mind, reminding them that their friends had… they were-

_‘Who’s gonna get in trouble? Who killed- who did this? My friend, Josh-’_

“Shut up,” Benrey told their thoughts. “Nope. No. Shut up.”

They sat in silence for a moment, trying to take in the quiet sounds of the house. People were talking somewhere, and they were straining to listen, but still only heard bits and pieces. Garbled bits of nothing.

Alright, new problem to focus on: What the _fuck_ was going on with their body? They couldn’t hear properly, and they couldn’t adjust their hearing to listen better. The room was almost too dark to see in, which was stupid because they could _see in the dark._ They were tired and confused and their head hurt and it all felt so…

Human.

It felt _human._

Benrey got up and walked unsteadily to the door. There was a lightswitch on the wall right next to it, and they flipped it on. They hissed at the light that flooded their vision, but scrubbed their eyes and looked around the room anyway.

There was a dresser with a mirror right across from them, and they were surprised at their weird appearance.

Benrey moved closer to the mirror, bracing themself on the dresser with one hand to lean as close to the mirror as they could without falling over. Their other hand pressed against the reflective surface, just under their reflection’s eye.

It wasn’t supposed to look like that.

The right eye was fine, just the gray they’d picked out when they first made this stupid body. But the left... looked wrong. Yellow. It shouldn’t still be yellow, should it?

Back when Benrey had been trying to scare Gordon off of Xen, they’d taken on a pretty fucked up looking form. They had suspected that the yellow eyes and the sharpened teeth weren’t necessary, but hey. Go big or go home.

Were their teeth still fucked too? Their lips parted to reveal… not _razor_ sharp teeth, thankfully, but they were still unnervingly pointed. It could still pass as human, maybe. But the eye was a problem. Stupid thing didn’t even have the weird black dot in the middle. How would that pass as human?

Benrey took off their helmet and tapped on the back of their head, trying to get all their thoughts in order. They could fix this.

Everything must have gotten mixed up when they… exploded everything. Glitched out their character customization or whatever. They could just shapeshift everything to look the way it was supposed to be and it would be fine.

They glanced back up at their reflection and froze. A single silver streak ran through their hair.

Where the _fuck_ did that come from? That wasn’t something _they_ did, they didn’t shift that. It didn’t look like this during the boss fight. Or ever, actually. Why did it look like that now?

 _Focus,_ Benrey mentally scolded themself. They gripped the edge of the dresser and closed their eyes. They pictured their iris becoming gray, their teeth being duller, and that weird silver streak fading to black.

Shapeshifting wasn’t painful, exactly, but it didn’t feel _great._ Even something as simple as changing their hair color felt odd. Which is why they were more than a little confused when they felt _nothing._

Their eyes snapped open. Not a single thing had changed.

That was bad. Kind of _really_ bad, actually. Why couldn’t they shapeshift? It was _literally_ the easiest thing they knew how to do! It was the first thing they learned after the scientists spliced them with stupid human DNA!

 _Wonderful._ Now they were thinking about _scientists_. The labcoats would probably get a kick out of this, huh? The only reason those assholes had spliced them in the first place was to try and give them some semblance of sentience. Create a subject that could actually _react_ to their tests, instead of operating on a mindless, hivemind creature.

Benrey had managed to keep the shapeshifting a secret from the lab coats, the ace up their sleeve when they escaped. The scientists hadn’t bothered looking for them anyway, but even if the labcoats _did_ go searching, the target would have been a freakish alien. Not a boring normal-looking human.

Now it was gone. Their _shapeshifting_ was _gone._ What the fuck were they supposed to do? They didn’t look _normal_ anymore. They were gonna get caught. Everyone was gonna see, and _then_ what?

They couldn’t go back into the world, they _couldn’t._ Not after what happened the first time _god,_ why was being alive so goddamn _hard_ -

A knock at the door jolted them from their thoughts. “You awake in there?” Benrey was silent. “Light’s on, dipshit. I know you’re awake.”

Bubby. Benrey couldn’t find the words to answer him, their thoughts still racing. Flashes of memories danced around in their brain, fighting to see which could take up the most space at the forefront of their mind.

Benrey shoved them all away. There were bigger things to worry about. No thinking. No scientists. No Black Mesa. _No house a few miles outside of the facility where they met-_ Benrey smacked the back of their head, the pain effectively halting the train of thought before it derailed.

They forced their face to be neutral. Expressionless. Something everyone would recognize. Then they walked across the room, much steadier now than when they first woke up, and opened the door.

Bubby raised an eyebrow at them as the door opened. “You look like shit.” Benrey couldn’t argue with that, so they didn’t. “Tommy’s been worried fucking sick about your dumbass.”

Tommy had been worried?

The older scientist sighed. “I’ll go get him. Try not to kill anyone while you’re here.”

Try not to _what?_ Why would they… _right._ The Science Team didn’t know yet. None of them knew Benrey never actually wanted to hurt anyone.

Well. Maybe there were a _few_ people that they’d wanted to hurt.

Benrey certainly wasn’t _nice_ to the military bastards that got Gordon’s arm cut off. They almost smiled at the memory. Those dumbasses had been so shocked to see Benrey take the form of an alien. First time they’d taken their true form in years.

They'd only knocked the assholes out, really. Then they'd dumped the bootboys and called it a day. It was better than they deserved, after what they did to Gordon. Threw him a fucking trash compactor without an arm, why would they _do_ that-

“Benrey?”

They were, again, pulled from their thoughts. This time it was Tommy standing in front of them. He… actually _did_ look worried.

But why?

“You were unconscious for a- for a while. Are you okay?” Benrey didn’t know how to answer that. They were… probably fine? Maybe fine?

Absolutely definitely not fine, but it’s not like they could tell _Tommy_ that, so what the fuck were they supposed to say-

“We’re having- it’s movie night,” Tommy said. “I don’t know if… if you’d be interesting in joining us, but the- the offer is there." He glanced at Benrey’s tattered security guard uniform. “Do you, uh… do you want to change out of that?”

Benrey glanced down at the uniform, suddenly painfully aware that it looked far too much like Josh and Jefferem to be on their person. They gave Tommy a quick nod, not trusting their voice enough to say, ‘ _Yes’._

Tommy smiled. “Okay! I don’t- my clothes might be a little big for you, but it’s- it'll work for now.” It took Benrey a moment to realize Tommy was already holding clothes for them. They were _really_ out of it, huh?

They took the clothes and closed the door again. Not to be rude to Tommy, they just wanted to change in private. It was probably the only privacy they were gonna get here. No way the Science Team was letting them out of sight for long.

The shirt was long-sleeved, thankfully. Today was already weird enough without having to explain what was going on with the scars.

More memories. Bad memories. Tap, tap, tapping on their head to get the bad memories out. They should probably put their helmet back on before the tapping got too out of hand.

Benrey pulled the shirt over their head and glared at the helmet. It reminded them too much of Black Mesa. They could exist without it for a while. At least until they could find a replacement.

If the Science Team let them live long enough for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hee-hoo, Benrey's shit got fuuuuucked.
> 
> To be clear, the yellow eye is something that got fucked up during/after the fight. It just didn't revert to the OG form like the rest of them did. And it's not going to change back either, it physically can't now, 'cause their powers are gone and I'm a mean author :)
> 
> The silver streak, however, is a direct result of them overextending their powers to destroy the portal to Xen. It's all stress, baby! They were already pushing it during the fight, that last little light show was overkill (emphasis on the 'kill') and it wrecked their shit.
> 
> Also, Benrey has trauma about losing Josh and Jefferem in Black Mesa because I say so and, as previously established, I'm mean. (and for those wondering about the 'house a few miles outside of the facility'... :D. let's just say there's a reason Benrey knows Earth would never be safe for them).


	4. First Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, movie night chapter is currently in two parts. Might end up being three parts. Might be more, depending on how much my writer brain goes brrrrrrrrrr.

Bubby greeted Gordon and Dr. Coomer at the door. “Oh good, you’re back.” He opened the door wider to let them in. “The little shit woke up while you were gone.”

“Wonderful news!” Dr. Coomer said heartily.

Gordon’s heartbeat stuttered. “Benrey’s awake?” Tommy had said they were passed out. He had expected to have a few minutes to collect his thoughts, but apparently fucking not. He stepped inside, scanning what he could see of the house. “Where-”

“Guest bedroom,” Bubby answered. “Don’t worry, we’re keeping an eye on them.” He scowled. “I’m not even entirely sure why the fucker’s back.”

“Now, Bubby,” Dr. Coomer said. “We should at least try to be civil. Even if it _is_ a little disconcerting to have them back.”

Gordon wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or concerned that everyone was on the same page when it came to Benrey. Everyone was confused, and none of them knew what to do. “Are they gonna- do you think they’ll freak out? If they see me?”

Bubby shrugged. “Fuck if I know. They haven’t freaked out so far. Just weirdly quiet.” He waved them forward. “Probably better to let Tommy handle it for now.”

Deciding not to think about it too hard, Gordon followed Bubby into the living room. He didn’t have time to collect his thoughts, but if Benrey wasn’t feeling chatty, then he was at least safe from any insults.

Dr. Coomer and Bubby took the love seat on the far side of the room, muttering between themselves. Gordon tried not to be suspicious of it, but the last time he’d seen Bubby whispering to anyone, it had been right before-

 _Nope,_ he scolded himself. _Bad Gordon._ It took a lot to start trusting Bubby again after the incident, and he wasn’t about to start backtracking on that progress now.

His gaze finally found Tommy. He was sitting on the couch, petting Sunkist with a tense expression. Gordon cleared his throat. “Hey Tommy.”

“Oh!” Tommy smiled as Gordon walked in. “You’re here!” He gestured around the living room vaguely. “S-sorry we’re not um… I haven’t exactly set up for movie night, but-”

“Shut the fuck,” Bubby interjected. “You’ve had your hands full.”

“Yeah, Tommy, don’t worry about it,” Gordon agreed. “I’m sure you had a crazy couple of days with… you know. Benrey.” It felt wrong to even say their _name._ “I can help you get set up if you want.”

Tommy looked relieved. “Thanks, Mr. Freeman.” Sunkist jumped off the couch and butted against Gordon’s leg. “Sunkist says ‘thanks’, too.”

Gordon laughed and pet the retriever. “You’re welcome, Sunkist.” He walked over to the hallway closet to grab some blankets. “Is Darnold coming tonight?”

“Yeah!” Tommy perked up quite a bit at that. “He’s, uh- bringing snacks!”

“And by snacks, you mean soda?” Gordon guessed, pulling out maybe five or so blankets.

“Of course,” Tommy said. “Can’t have- you can’t have movie night without… um.”

Gordon glanced back at Tommy with a raised eyebrow, shutting the hallway closet with his knee. “What’s up?” Tommy’s gaze was fixated on something in the hallway. Bubby and Coomer had stopped talking amongst themselves and were both looking at whatever Tommy was looking at.

Curious, he turned, but all he saw was Benrey standing at the end of the hallway. That wasn’t so strange, was it? Gordon figured everyone would be used to them popping out of nowhere, they did it all the-

Oh.

_Benrey._

To their credit, they _looked_ just as surprised as he _felt,_ which was pretty fucking surprised. Gordon probably shouldn’t have been surprised, he knew Benrey was here, this wasn’t new information.

But that didn’t stop his heart from skittering wildly in his chest. The scar encircling his forearm throbbed in time to Benrey’s footsteps and- shit, why were they getting _closer?_ Gordon didn’t want to be anywhere _near_ them, why were they walking _towards_ him?

Benrey was close enough that Gordon could see the yellow in their eyes and that was way too _fucking_ close. In his haze of panic, his brain finally kicked into gear. He took a couple steps back, glaring at Benrey with as much hatred as he could manage in his anxious state. “You stay _back.”_

To Gordon’s complete and utter shock, they actually stopped walking. A moment passed. Then two. Then Benrey slowly bent over and picked a blanket up off the floor. “Dropped this.”

Gordon looked at the pile of blankets in his arms. Sure enough, the one on top was missing. Must have slipped when he wasn’t paying attention, too focused on the murderous alien standing just a few feet away.

“Still a little… clumsy boy, huh?”

Anger quickly overtook the lingering fear. “You son of a _fucking_ bitch-”

“Hey!” Tommy was suddenly at Gordon's side, taking the blankets from him. “W-why don’t I go- I’ll put these on the couch. Okay? Then we can make, uh- popcorn!”

“What?!” Bubby complained. “I was going to do that!”

Tommy set the blankets on the couch. “You lit- you set my kitchen on f-fire last time,” he pointed out. “Besides, I need you to…” His gaze darted to Benrey. “... to watch them.”

Benrey's expression was blank. “Sure, whatever.”

Gordon was only vaguely aware of Tommy tugging his arm, dragging him to the kitchen and leaving Benrey in the hallway.

He thought he could handle this, but he absolutely _could not_ handle this. Why should he have to be handling it? He should leave. He should go. He should scream or cry or _something_ because the walls were too close and his chest was too tight and fuck fuck _fuck._

“Mr. Freeman,” Tommy’s quiet voice somehow reached him through the thousands of thoughts. “Do you need to sit down? You’re, um, shaking.”

“Tommy?” Gordon gripped his friend’s arm to steady himself. “I- I’m sorry, I thought-” Sunkist--when did Sunkist get there?--whined and nudged Gordon in the direction of the kitchen table.

“No, no, no.” Tommy guided him to a chair, Gordon still clinging to his arm. “Don’t- you don’t have to a-apologize. It’s stressful, I know.”

Gordon looked up at him incredulously. “Really? ‘Cause nobody else seems stressed!” He sat down and put his head on the table. “God _fucking_ damn it, Tommy, I thought I could _do_ this.”

Tommy busied himself with getting the popcorn out. “I-it’s okay if you can’t. Nobody’s gonna judge. And I don't- we won’t mind if you want to go home.”

It was tempting. _Way_ too tempting. Gordon wanted to ask Dr. Coomer to take him _right_ back home so that he could forget he ever saw Benrey.

But…

Gordon buried his face in one arm, letting the other absently pet Sunkist. _But?_ Why was there another half of this sentence?

He wanted to forget he ever saw Benrey, _but…_ he had too many questions. The more he ran away, the harder it would be to face Benrey later. If this was happening--and it _was_ \--then Gordon needed to pull himself together.

“No,” he said finally, “I- I’ll stay.” He lifted his head to watch Tommy put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. “How did- Tommy, why are they here?”

Tommy pressed a few buttons on the microwave before answering. “Because… I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I just don’t think… they can’t be _all_ bad, can they? Nobody is.”

“They tried to _kill_ us, Tommy.”

The popcorn in the microwave started to pop. “Did they?”

Gordon started to answer, but paused.

_Stop shooting or I’ll have to shoot back!_

He _knew_ that’s what they said, _but_ (and there’s that stupid word again) he couldn’t actually remembering Benrey shooting at any member of the Science Team during that final fight. There were a lot of skeletons and Sweet Voice, for sure, but not gunfire. Not even when Gordon pulled out that Devil Gun that Darnold made.

“Okay,” Gordon sighed. “I can do this.” He ran his fingers through his ponytail. “But can I just… stay in here for a while? I’ll go back out there for the movie or whatever, but just for now, can I..?”

Tommy gave him a warm smile. “Of course, Mr. Freeman.”

It was still confusing. _Beyond_ confusing. But Gordon was determined to enjoy movie night, Benrey be damned, so he was going to make this work. Everyone else seemed fine. Why wasn’t _he_ fine? He _wanted_ to be fine, more than anything.

Gordon tensed when he heard the front door open, his hand pausing on Sunkist’s head, but he was relieved to hear Darnold’s voice. “Tommy! I brought the potions for movie night!”

“In the kitchen, Darnold!” Tommy called back. “And you _know_ it’s called soda!”

Darnold poked his head into the kitchen, followed closely by Dr. Coomer. “I know, but it’s more fun to say potions.” He set a case of soda on the table, taking care not to hit Gordon.

“I’m helping!” Dr.Coomer announced, setting down two more cases of soda.

Gordon chuckled. “That’s great, Dr. Coomer.” He turned to the newcomer. “Howdy, Darnold.”

“Hiya, Gordon. Long time no see.” Darnold gave him a concerned smile. “How are you holding up?”

“I’ve been worse.” He spotted a small thing of Mountain Dew among the cases of Dr. Pepper, Coca Cola, and Sunkist Orange. “That for Benrey?”

“Yep. Tommy asked me to get it for them.”

Tommy shrugged. “They like the um… Gamer Fuel.” He gestured vaguely at the cabinets. “Darnold, could you grab, uh... a bowl for me?”

“Sure.” Darnold rummaged around the cabinet for a bowl to put the popcorn in. “How long have they been up anyway? They were unconscious when I came over yesterday.”

“Forty-five minutes and seventeen seconds,” Dr. Coomer supplied. He glanced at Gordon. “You know, they are being… rather _tame._ If that makes you feel any better. They’ve barely said a word since you left.”

Gordon nodded. “Yeah, that- that’s good to know, I guess.” Sunkist set her head in his lap, looking up at him with wide, brown eyes. “Has anyone, like, decided what movie we’re going to watch yet?

“Excellent question, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer said, “I believe it’s Tommy’s turn to pick.”

Tommy took the bowl from Darnold and dumped the bag of popcorn in. “Nah. I think- Mr. Freeman can pick tonight. If he wants.”

“Aw, Tommy, you don’t have to-”

“I don’t mind!” Tommy put another bag of popcorn in the microwave. “Just pick something you like.”

Gordon scratched behind Sunkist’s ears for a moment. Tommy was probably letting him pick the movie as an apology for dealing with Benrey. But they were _all_ dealing with Benrey, so that didn’t seem very fair. Nevertheless, Tommy was offering, and it would be rude to turn it down.

What was something everyone would like? It was hard enough finding anything that would interest all of them before, but now he had _Benrey_ to think about. He guessed he didn’t actually _have_ to take Benrey into consideration if he didn’t want to.

He briefly, and admittedly _spitefully,_ considered picking _Ender’s Game_. Then he realized how much of a complete and utter dick move that would be, and decided against it.

Tommy usually liked animation, and Gordon didn’t blame him. Animation was fun. Bubby and Coomer liked more action-based movies, but everyone knew they had a secret soft spot for romance. Darnold seemed down with pretty much anything, so that wasn’t anything Gordon should be too worried about.

What did Benrey like? Shooting pigeons? Annoying the fuck out of him? Videogames?

Videogames...

He had an idea for a movie.

“Hey, uh..." It was a funny movie, Gordon thought, and animated. Not much in the way of action scenes, but there were a couple. Plus, there was a pretty cute romance for the ones who liked that sort of thing. “Have you guys ever seen _Wreck-It Ralph_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be no problems with this movie, absolutely none at all. 'Wreck-It Ralph' is a wholesome movie. A very nice and very fun movie with 1) a bad guy attempting to be a good guy, 2) a glitch trying desperately to fit in a world that doesn't want her, 3) a world full of parasitic hivemind aliens, and 4) a horrible terrible awful big bad guy at the end of the movie.
> 
> It's a fun movie. It's fun for the whole family. :)


	5. A Very Relatable Movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter probably won't make much sense if you haven't seen the movie 'Wreck-It Ralph'.

After escaping confinement, Benrey never really had to worry about being scared. They thought the worst was behind them, and nothing was ever going to be able to scare them again.

But lately, fear seemed to be their default, which was as annoying as it was stupid. The final fight scared them, that… _whatever_ that place was scared them, and even seeing Gordon in the hallway had fucking scared them.

They thought they did a pretty good job playing it off. Gordon looked more scared of _them_ than anything else. How fucking dumb was that? Benrey got _shot_ by this guy, and _he_ had the nerve to be skittish?

 _You got his arm cut off, dumbass,_ their brain helpfully reminded them, _you attacked him._

Was there an off button for thoughts?

The front door opened and closed, and Dr. Coomer got up to go do… something. Benrey wasn’t really paying attention. They were too busy thinking about Gordon.

_Gayass._

“Shut the fuck,” Benrey muttered, pulling the blanket they’d picked up around themself and over their head. They didn’t want the helmet back, not yet anyway, so this would do for now.

Bubby raised an eyebrow at them from the smaller couch across the room. “What was that?” Benrey stared back at him. They were talking to themself. None of his business. Nosy. Benrey would have said as much if they weren’t absolutely certain Bubby would set them on fire. “Fine,” Bubby said. “Just watch yourself.”

Eventually, Tommy returned, with Dr. Coomer, Gordon, and Darnold in tow. When did Darnold get here? Awesome. Just one more person that hated them.

Did Darnold hate them? They hadn’t really talked that much, when Benrey thought about it. Though they _did_ fuck with his computer, so he probably still didn’t like them.

“Bubby! Have you seen _Wreck-It Ralph_?” Tommy asked enthusiastically. “It’s- Gordon picked it!”

Gordon picked the movie, huh? Did that mean he was sticking around? Benrey hoped so. Well, kind of. Just as long as they didn’t have to _talk_ to Gordon, they’d be fine. Gordon didn’t seem to wanna talk to them anyway.

Tommy turned on the TV and started searching through… something Benrey didn’t recognize. Apparently this movie wasn’t on Netflix and that was really the only thing Benrey was familiar with. They didn’t know enough about TV things to know what the fuck Tommy was doing. Just videogames and Netflix.

Dr. Coomer joined Bubby on the little couch. What was that thing called? Benrey was sure there was a name for little couches. Darnold had taken the recliner, Tommy sprawled across his lap, and Sunkist sat obediently next to them.

That was good, Benrey thought. Everyone was giving them space. Or… they were giving everyone _else_ space? Whichever worked.

The couch sank a bit, catching them by surprise. They glanced over to see Gordon sitting on the other side of the couch, his gaze locked on the TV screen, avoiding Benrey entirely. A bowl of popcorn sat awkwardly on the cushion between them like a barrier.

The fuck kind of game was _this?_ Gordon was all pissed off and afraid of them a few minutes ago, and now he was sitting on the couch with them? Was he trying to prove something?

Whatever. It was probably just because there wasn’t room anywhere else. Benrey could move to the floor probably, but… nah. They weren’t gonna let themself get pushed around. They were here first.

… oh fuck, were _they_ trying to prove something? Maybe both of them were. This shit was too complicated.

“Found it!” Tommy exclaimed. Music played, signaling that the movie was starting, but Gordon still didn’t react.

Benrey turned their attention to the TV. If Gordon was gonna play the stoic game, then Benrey was too. They were pretty much a pro at this point, anyway. Master of blank expressions.

“Yooooo, does this movie have _videogames_ in it?”

F in the chat for Stoic Benrey, god fucking damnit.

“Dude, this entire _movie_ is about videogames,” Gordon said.

Well, well, well… F in the chat for Stoic Gordon, too.

“Nice.”

And it _was_ nice. The movie was… surprisingly nice. Benrey recognized a lot of the old school characters. Sonic, especially, but also Pac-Man and Q*Bert. They weren’t really sure how they felt about that ‘bad guy affirmation’, though.

_I’ll never be good, and that’s not bad._

Speaking from experience, it felt pretty fucking awful to never be good. But Ralph’s job never actually hurt anybody, so that was probably a lot easier to deal with than… everything Benrey did.

It was just a cartoon, anyway. A cartoon about some dumbass who thought he could hop games to escape destiny.

And the dumbass hopped right into a game full of _hivemind aliens,_ what the _fuck_ was that? The whole _game_ was just people shooting at aliens. Didn’t these guys get enough of that in Black Mesa?

Benrey felt like asking if this was something Gordon did on purpose, but when they looked over, he was gripping the arm of the couch. “You uh… you good?”

“Shut up,” Gordon said tensely. Well, fuck them for asking.

Bubby tilted his head at the screen. “Why did you pick this movie if-”

“It’s not the whole movie,” Gordon told Bubby. “It’s- it’s just this part. I kinda forgot about it, honestly.”

Dr. Coomer frowned. “Gordon, I’m uncomfortable!”

Darnold took the remote from a very rigid Tommy. “Maybe we should skip this scene?”

Tommy nodded. “I-it’s not... not too important.” He loosened up while Darnold fast-forwarded. “Ralph messes with the- the player and it causes her to lose, but that’s all you really need to know. Oh, and the lady there is- she's a badass.”

The lady had also caught the eye of a certain arcade carpenter. Benrey wondered if kind-hearted sweetheart and the tall spitfire love interest resonated with anyone in particular.

Looking around the room, they weren’t the only one that shot glances at Dr. Coomer and Bubby whenever Felix and Sergeant Calhoun were onscreen.

Did Benrey know the name _Calhoun_ from anywhere? It sure did sound familiar… “Why- hm. I feel like I know that name. Calhoun.”

“I believe he was a security guard at Black Mesa,” Darnold said. “For a while, anyway. It was a few years ago. I heard he moved back home.”

Huh. Weird.

“I remember Barney Calhoun!” Dr.Coomer piped up. “He used to crawl through the vents to open Dr. Kleiner’s office when he forgot the keys!”

Gordon sat up. _“That’s_ who did it before me?”

Benrey burst into laughter. “Why did _you_ do it?” They ignored Gordon’s withering glare. “You uh- vent-crawler? Sneakin’ into places?”

“It was literally _just_ to Kleiner’s office,” Gordon protested. “And I did it because no one else would help the guy.”

“Ventman.”

“That’s not even an insult.”

Benrey grinned. They hadn’t been aiming for an insult, but hey! He’d basically asked for it. “Gordumb Ventman.”

“Fuck you.”

“Bro, at least, uh- take me on a date first. Damn.”

Gordon grabbed a handful of popcorn and threw it at them. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it!”

“Oh my _god,_ shut _up!”_ Bubby groaned. “Some of us are trying to watch this stupid movie!”

“Hey!” Tommy protested. “This- this is a _great_ movie!

Darnold added, “We all know you’re enjoying this movie _just_ as much as the rest of us, so cut the shit.”

Bubby grumbled and leaned into Dr. Coomer, who was also very much enjoying his movie. Everyone was, actually. Gordon was even talking to them, and that wasn’t something they expected after the ordeal in the hallway.

Benrey plucked a piece of popcorn off their blanket and chewed on it thoughtfully. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as they thought. Maybe the thing in the hallway was just a knee-jerk reaction or something.

Maybe Gordon didn’t hate them.

“I’m getting some soda,” Darnold said. “Anybody-”

“Yeah!” Tommy jumped of Darnold’s lap and ran into the kitchen. Apparently that’s where the soda was.

Darnold shook his head with a smile. “Alright, anyone _else?”_

Gordon raised his hand. “I’ll take a Dr. Pepper.”

“Lame,” Benrey muttered. “Should drink more- fuckin’... need that Gamer Fuel, bro.”

“You want a Mountain Dew?” Darnold asked.

Benrey nodded. “Yee.”

“Do you ever just… talk normal?” Gordon asked.

“Wha-? I talk- I’m a great cool with words,” Benrey said defensively. “You’re just boring.” They redirected the conversation. “Chic in the jacket got… cheat codes. Noclip. Hope she gets in that race and um… kicks ass.”

Gordon sighed. “You make no fucking sense, dude.”

Benrey watched Vanellope throw Ralph’s medal into a cup, successfully getting into the race. Benrey wasn’t sure how that worked, since the medal was from a different game, but maybe the code didn’t recognize it as different? Maybe they were overthinking the whole thing. It was just a movie.

In any case, nobody else seemed happy that she did it. Nobody liked her. Busted her car, which seemed excessive. Benrey wondered if anyone had ever tried just _talking_ to Vanellope. It didn’t look like anyone did.

Just like nobody talked to _them._

Teaching moment for Gordon Smartman, maybe? “Hey, you think um… you think she makes sense to anyone?” Subtle. Nailed it.

“Hm?”

“They should just, uh- you know, talk,” Benrey tried. “They don’t talk to her. The brats in the game.”

Gordon blinked at the screen. “Oh. I mean… I guess they don’t.” He turned to look at them. “What about it?”

Ah. Gordon was being stupid again. Smartman rights _rescinded._ “Fuckin’... rotate it in your brain for a while,” they muttered.

Darnold and Tommy returned with the sodas. Gordon took his Dr. Pepper and immediately opened it. Benrey had a feeling he was avoiding the conversation. Fine. Benrey was done with it anyway.

Bubby cocked an eyebrow at Darnold and Tommy. “You two took an _awful_ long time getting soda.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tommy replied lightly. But it sounded like he most definitely _did_ know what Bubby was talking about. It looked like Bubby and Dr. Coomer weren’t the _only_ lovebirds in the room.

Good for Tommy. And Darnold, too.

Benrey opened their Mountain Dew and downed it. Everything tasted different. They wondered if that had anything to do with their missing… Xen bits. How much of them was Xen now? None? Were they one-hundred percent human?

They’d think about it later.

The movie continued to be a nice one, aside from the occasional alien appearance. The parasites were a little easier on the nerves once they were candy-colored. The lack of guns helped, too.

Dr. Coomer had thoroughly enjoyed tormenting Gordon during the quicksand scene. “Look Gordon! Ropes!” Which exasperated Gordon, but he was laughing too, so Benrey guessed that was okay. They were probably gonna have to learn what was okay and what wasn’t, now that they weren’t just trying to annoy the shit out of everyone.

Not that annoying the shit out of people wasn’t _fun_ (because it definitely was), but there were limits. They needed to learn those. Boundaries.

Fuck, this was gonna be hard.

“Man, I _hate_ this part,” Gordon’s voice pulled Benrey from their thoughts. How long had they zoned out for? Shit.

On the screen, Vanellope was gifting Ralph a cookie. A cookie on a string, but it was supposed to be a medal. What was there to hate? “Bro, she’s just… being nice. ‘Nellope givin’ her best friend a cookie. You hate that?”

Gordon grabbed the bowl of popcorn and pulled it closer to him. “Wait for it.”

“Sh!” Tommy scolded. “No spoilers, Mr. Freeman!”

As soon as King Candy showed up on screen, Benrey started to understand why Gordon might hate this scene. King Candy was already established as Not a Great Guy, fucking with the code. But now he was lying and shit, which wasn’t good, but Benrey still didn’t understand why that warranted hatred.

Then Ralph destroyed Vanellope’s car, and they got it.

“Oh. Shit.”

“ _‘Oh shit’_ , is _right,”_ Bubby said. “He _really_ fucked that up.”

Benrey felt the sudden urge to defend Ralph. “He didn’t know. Right? Like, he thought he was helping.”

“Still,” Gordon said. “That was fucking _heartbreaking._ Friends don’t hurt friends like that.”

“Maybe they do,” Benrey fought to keep their voice even. “Maybe if they think… if their friend is gonna _die_ or some shit, then maybe they do. ‘Cause maybe being dead is totally sucks.”

Benrey had died before. They knew first hand that dying was totally sucks. _That_ sure was an emotion, huh?

Dr. Coomer cleared his throat. “I do think dying would be ‘totally sucks’, Gordon.”

Gordon paused. “Well, yeah, but Vanellope doesn’t know why Ralph did it.”

This was a _bad_ emotion, they were pretty sure. “Uh, yeah? Ralph fuckin’- he told her. He said it. She was just screamin’ the whole time.”

“H, uh... he _did_ say it, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said.

“But King Candy is _wrong.”_

“Ralph didn’t- he doesn’t _know_ King Candy is a liar.” This was getting worse, not better. “He didn’t mean to- he wasn’t _trying_ to hurt her.” Benrey’s hand curled into fists under the blanket.

Was this a stupid human thing? Was there something they weren’t understanding about this? Benrey tapped on their head to get all their thoughts to stay in one place. It felt like everything was trying to spill out at once, and that _definitely_ wouldn’t make things better.

What Ralph did was super shitty, yeah, but Ralph _thought_ he was doing the right thing. That’s what counted, right? That Ralph tried? Or did that part not matter? Which part mattered?

Their arm was suddenly pulled away from their head, the sudden pressure jolting them from their thoughts. Sunkist laid on their lap, blinking up at them and carefully holding down their arms. Benrey wasn’t sure if dogs could look _concerned,_ but Sunkist sure looked concerned. She wriggled around a bit, pressing into them and forcing them to lean into the couch.

Benrey stole a glance at Tommy, trying to figure what they should do, but Tommy just stared back at them. He looked uncomfortable. So did Darnold. And Dr. Coomer and Bubby.

What they fuck did they do _this_ time?

Gordon looked just as confused as Benrey felt. “Uh… Tommy? Is Sunkist okay?”

Tommy nodded. “Mm-hm. She’s fine.” He made a point to turn his attention back to the movie, like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. “She’s just, um- she's helping. She helped you earlier, remember? It’s her job.”

Her job. Sunkist had a job, and her job was helping. Helping with- with… oh _fuck._ Sunkist was Tommy’s _therapy_ dog. An _emotional support_ animal.

The damn dog was _exposing_ them and all their _stupid_ emotions.

Still… they couldn’t deny that the warmth and pressure was comforting. He shifted to hug Sunkist and avoid everyone’s gaze. This movie night was taking a horribly awkward turn that they _really_ didn’t like.

Benrey could feel Gordon’s stare in the side of their head. They refused to give him the satisfaction of facing him. “Oh… right,” he said finally. “Her job. Okay.”

Everyone seemed to reluctantly agree that it was time to go back to watching the movie. In Benrey’s opinion, it was about fucking time. The awkwardness petered off after a while, but they couldn’t help but feel like a heavy… _something_ still lingered in the air.

They really hoped this movie was almost over. They already felt like running, and they didn’t exactly _have_ anywhere to go. No walls to clip through, no secret rooms or hallways. And even if there _were_ secret rooms, it’s not like Benrey could noclip anyway.

_Think about it later._

Admittedly, they got nervous when the aliens erupted from the ground, worried that the Science Team and Co. might have a heart attack. But nobody majorly freaked out, so… win? Everyone seemed a little more chill about the aliens now, probably because the good guys were gonna win.

Because of course the good guys were gonna win. It was comforting or something, right? People wouldn’t rely on it so much if it wasn’t.

Then King Candy suddenly had pale skin and yellow eyes, which was more than a little disconcerting (and _way_ too familiar), but that was beside the point. He got eaten by an alien, problem solved.

It wasn’t until Vanellope couldn’t cross the barrier that the problems actually started. “Wait,” Darnold said. “Finish line’s destroyed! She can’t get across.”

Tommy shushed him. “Just watch, Darnold.”

“I’m also confused,” Dr. Coomer admitted. “There’s usually a pretty clear resolution, but I don’t see-”

“The man just said ‘shush’,” Bubby hissed. “Watch the movie.”

Benrey had to agree. Everyone just needed to shut up and watch this movie so it could be over. Ralph was punching mentos into a volcano. He’d die, make a beacon, that’d get rid of all the aliens. There you go, Dr. Coomer. Resolution.

Sucked to be Ralph. Benrey could sympathize. Sometimes bad guys have to die to do good things.

_“Welcome to the Boss Level!”_

It really was such a human thing, needing to breathe. And suddenly, all at once, Benrey couldn’t do it. King Candy was some part-alien nightmare on the screen, which was already bad, but what was _worse_ was how he _said_ it. Like a game. A level. The final fight.

Just like Benrey.

The Big Bad.

They needed to not be here anymore.

Carefully as they could with their shaking hands--why were their hands _shaking_ so bad?-- they pushed Sunkist off their lap. The dog whined in protest, but jumped to the floor. Relieved to have the pressure off of them, they threw off the blanket and got up.

Gordon flinched when they stood. They didn’t miss it. And it didn’t make them feel better.

“I’m- I gotta…” Talking was hard when you couldn’t breathe. “I have to… uh, go. Somewhere.”

Benrey didn’t know _where_ they were going and it didn’t matter. Just as long as it wasn’t the living room. Someplace where people weren’t staring at them.

_I’ll never be good, and that’s not bad._

Bull _fucking_ shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> I'm not, like, *totally* happy with how this chapter came out? It doesn't quite flow the way I wanted it to, but I hope it was still a decent read!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the support so far, y'all are fucking awesome!


	6. Conflicted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know that metronome meme? One side of the metronome is Gordon's reflex fear/justified anger towards Benrey and the other side is his stupid bleeding heart/desire to help his friend. The little needle is going *wild* on this thing.

Everyone responded to the movie about as well as Gordon expected them to. Benrey made a quiet comment about Vanellope’s ‘noclipping skills’. Bubby and Coomer seemed secretly pleased about the romance between Felix and Sergeant Calhoun. Darnold playfully pestered Tommy for spoilers the entire time, but Tommy denied him.

Nobody liked the fight scene in Hero’s Duty. Gordon had honestly kind of forgotten about it, and he was glad Darnold skipped it. There weren’t really any more bad scenes like that, with gunfire and people in metal suits, so that was good.

But the scene with King Candy messing with the code seemed to offend Benrey personally. “Bro, he _nerfed_ her.”

Gordon snickered. “He _what?”_

Benrey gestured at the screen, which looked kind of ridiculous since they’d refused to move their arms out from under the blankets. “Wha- you saw! She’s part of the game. She belongs here, and he nerfed her.”

“Yeah, well… he’s not exactly a great guy,” Gordon said.

“Not a great cool,” Benrey agreed. “Man, ‘Nellope already… she’s got that noclip cheat. Bet she was too OP. Bet that’s why he nerfed her.”

The bit about Vanellope being OP wasn’t exactly wrong, but he wasn’t about to give Benrey that confirmation. It was a little _too_ spoiler-y. But he was happy to pick up the discussion about how cute Felix and Calhoun were, especially since it mostly involved teasing Dr. Coomer and Bubby.

The alien was a lot chattier than Tommy had led him to believe. It wasn’t… _bad_ conversation, but that didn’t mean Gordon liked it, either. He couldn’t even look at the guy without remembering the hellhole that was Black Mesa.

Speaking of _looking_ at the guy…

The blankets slipped a little as Benrey sat up, revealing a mess of black hair that Gordon had seen briefly in the hallway. And now that he was closer--and calmer--he noticed the silver streak through it. The streak wasn’t huge or super noticeable unless you were looking directly at it, but it was definitely there. Alien biology, Gordon was sure.

More noticeable were their eyes. The right was the same gray he always remembered it being. The left, however, looked stuck in the color it was during the ‘boss fight’, the iris a bright, unnatural yellow with virtually no pupil.

It was oddly mesmerizing, Gordon realized, that Benrey somehow managed to embody both versions of themself.

That yellow was still a little unnerving, though… could they even see out of that eye? Why was it fucked up like that? Benrey was a shapeshifter, they could fix it at any time. Was it part of some aesthetic, maybe?

Gordon turned his attention back to the movie before Benrey caught him looking at them. Last thing he needed was for Benrey to start nagging him about being gay or some shit. ‘Gaydon Stareman’. He hated that he could already predict the insult.

He _couldn’t_ predict Benrey’s reaction to Ralph smashing the car. He hadn’t really meant to start an argument and, to be fair, Benrey did make a good point.

It wasn’t reasonable to judge Ralph’s actions without taking into account that he _didn’t_ know King Candy had been lying. The characters in the movie didn’t have all the information the audience did. King Candy’s reasoning had been sound, as far as Ralph knew. From Ralph’s point of view, it probably _did_ seem like the only option.

Gordon tried imagining himself in a situation like that. If he had to choose between hurting a friend and letting them die… yeah, fuck, he _would_ go with the same option Ralph had picked.

Weird that _Benrey_ had been the one to point that out. Even weirder, the whole thing had stressed them out enough that Sunkist had to go sit in their lap. Last Gordon checked, Benrey couldn’t be stressed out by much. Or anything, really.

Benrey wasn’t the type to get worked up about things. Sunkist was probably just being affectionate. What would an immortal alien need to stress about?

 _But Tommy said Sunkist was doing her job,_ an absent thought reminded him.

That… was probably a thought he could ignore for now. Benrey was an eldritch horror of a person. Gordon didn’t want to think too hard about what could possibly stress _them_ out.

It didn’t seem like there would be anymore problems. But as soon as King Candy introduced himself as the ‘Boss Level’, there was suddenly a Huge Fucking Problem.

Gordon jumped a little more than he’d like to admit when Benrey suddenly stood up. He had been expecting them to… well, he wasn’t sure _what_ he expected them to do. But he definitely didn’t expect them to mumble something and then just _leave._

Tommy paused the movie as the front door opened and slammed shut. “That didn’t sound good.”

“No,” Gordon said. “No, it did not.” He glanced at the paused frame. It was unnerving, sure, but Benrey was _infinitely_ scarier than whatever King Candy was. The fuck were they so worked up about?

Bubby sighed. “So are we going to _address_ the giant elephant that just left the fucking room, or…”

“Someone should go- should talk to them,” Tommy said. “I can send Sunkist with whoever goes.”

“I’m sure as hell not going,” Bubby said. “I’ve had enough of that little shit. Why don’t you go, Tommy?”

Tommy shook his head. “They won’t talk to me, I- I tried earlier.”

Gordon glanced over at Dr. Coomer, who simply stared back at him with an expression he couldn’t read. He recalled their conversation in the car, about forgiveness, and remembered that he had told Tommy wanted to try talking to Benrey.

Aside from what happened in the hallway, Gordon hadn’t actually had a _terrible_ interaction with Benrey yet. They were annoying, sure, but it wasn’t as _nearly_ malicious as it used to be.

Fuck it. Why not. What was the little prick gonna do anyway, start a fight? The Science Team took them down before, and could absolutely do it again.

Gordon ran his fingers through his ponytail. “I’ll go talk to them.” He stood before he could change his own mind. “I’m sure it’s something stupid anyway.”

Tommy looked at him in surprise. “Are- are you sure, Mr. Freeman?”

“Yeah,” Gordon said, already walking towards the door. “We’ll be just outside. I’ll come get you guys if I need you.”

“Do you want Sunkist to..?”

Gordon shook his head. “Nah, man. Looks like you need her more than I do.” Truthfully, he would have loved to bring the best dog in the entire universe with him to face Benrey, but Tommy actually looked pretty stressed out and worried, and Gordon couldn’t take Sunkist when he looked like that.

“Okay,” Tommy said reluctantly. “If- if you’re sure.”

He wasn’t sure, not really, but he was gonna do it anyway. Because Tommy was worried, and Benrey wouldn’t talk to Tommy, so somebody else was gonna have to talk to Benrey.

Right. Gordon was doing this for Tommy. And no other reason.

Gordon pushed open the front door, peering around to see if he could spot Benrey. A rush of cool air hitting his face as he walked out on the front porch. “Benrey?” In the dim glow of the porch light he could see them sitting on the front steps. “Hey, uh… you good?”

“Go away.”

“Trust me, I’m considering it.” Gordon crossed his arms. “But I told Tommy that I’d come talk to you, so I’m talking to you.” Benrey shifted. “You wanna tell me what happened in there?”

“No,” They buried their face in their arms. “Dunno why you… why do _you_ give a shit? Go back inside and just- whatever. Go watch your fuckin’ movie. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”

Gordon took a chance and moved a little closer to the steps. “I give a shit because _Tommy_ gives a shit. He seems to think you’re not actually as bad as we think you are.”

“But you _don’t_ think that,” Benrey stated.

There were plenty of things Gordon could have said in response. But before he could make some scathing remark about Benrey’s extensive history of shady bullshit, Gordon remembered what made him start doubting Benrey’s evil habits in the first place.

_Stop shooting or I’ll have to shoot back!_

“I think there’s a lot you’re not telling us,” Gordon said finally. “I don’t know what it is, and at the moment I don’t care.”

Incorrect. He actually cared a lot about what Benrey may or may not be keeping secret. However, it wasn’t what he came out here for.

“I came out here to see what made you… like, freak out or whatever. So Tommy will stop worrying about it.”

Benrey scowled, reaching up to tap on the back of their head. “Just… drop it.”

“No.” The tapping became hard enough that it was worrisome, so Gordon reached down and grabbed their wrist. “Would you cut that out? Gonna hurt yourself.” They glared at him, jerking their arm out of his grasp.

But not before Gordon caught how hard they were shaking. “Whoa, dude, are you okay?”

They rolled their eyes. “Fuckin’ _cold,_ asshole. New Mexico is _stupid.”_

Gordon’s brow furrowed. “You’re wearing a long-sleeved shirt,” he said. “And your powers-”

“Shut up about my powers,” Benrey snapped. “I don’t- just shut up about it.”

“I… okay. I’ll shut up about your powers, I guess.” Gordon untied the jacket around his waist and sat down on the steps next to Benrey. “Put that on, dumbass.” They shot him a suspicious look. “What? It’s not gonna _bite,_ dude, just put it on.”

Gordon tried not to laugh while Benrey wrestled with the oversized jacket. They pulled the hood over their head and turned away to avoid Gordon’s gaze. Both of them had been doing that a lot.

 _Focus,_ he told himself, _you’re supposed to be talking._

“So,” Gordon tried. “Don’t like the movie?”

Benrey shrugged. “The movie’s fine.”

Gordon rested his elbows on his knees. “No, yeah, I totally get it. Freaking out and running off is how _most_ people show that they’re enjoying themselves.” Benrey, miraculously, didn’t have a response. “Dude, come on.”

“What- I don’t know what you… what do you want me to fuckin’ say?” Benrey asked. “I was _dead,_ bro. Like, _two hours_ ago, I was sleeping, and before _that_ I was dead. Now there’s- I’m watching this… this fuckin’ movie. With a glitch and a- a shapeshifting… _bad_ guy. Yellow eyes.” Their head swiveled around to look at him. “Remind you of someone?”

Oh.

Gordon studied the yellow iris. “Why don’t you just change it?”

“Uh- I would if I could, but I fuckin’ _can’t.”_ Benrey tugged down one side of the hood, covering the yellow eye. “It… didn’t work.”

“Wait, seriously?” Gordon asked. “Does _anything_ work?”

There was a long pause as Benrey’s expression shifted from frustrated to thoughtful. They made a sound that might have been a hum if they hadn’t almost immediately broken into a coughing fit. “Ah, the _fuck-?”_ they croaked.

“What’s wrong?” Gordon asked worriedly. Why was he worried? It was _Benrey._

They waved him off. “Nothin’. I just… I’m trying-.” Another cough tore from their throat. “The- my, uh… my thing. Sweet Voice. It’s not working.” They tapped their chest nervously. “Why isn’t- it should _work,_ why…”

Gordon stood cautiously, tugging at his ponytail and preparing to run if he needed to. “Do you… need help or something?” He asked, despite the fact that every instinct told him to get as _far_ away as possible.

Benrey stopped tapping on their chest and took a slow breath. “No,” they said finally. “M’fine.”

“I can… Tommy is right inside, man, if you wanna-”

“Don’t- don’t tell Tommy _shit,”_ Benrey warned in a shaky voice. “I said _I’m fine.”_

He didn’t believe them, but he sat back down anyway. The Sweet Voice thing would probably come back, right? Tommy said they’d be tired. They just needed to get their strength back and then it’d be fine.

Benrey would be fine. Not like the fucker could _actually_ get hurt, right?

 _Except that time you killed them,_ his brain helpfully reminded him.

Gordon shoved the thought away. Not tonight. He was _not_ thinking about that shit tonight. “So, um… I guess that’s a _no_ on your powers, huh?”

Benrey groaned. “This _sucks.”_ Then they gave a weak, bitter half of a laugh. “Ya boy Benrey got nerfed. Bet you’re pretty uh… happy about that, huh?”

“You know, yeah,” Gordon admitted. “I’m not too upset about it." It was probably pretty shitty for them, but all that meant to Gordon was that there would be no repeat of Big Bad Benrey, and he was _beyond_ okay with that. “Kind of wished that had happened sooner, actually.”

They rolled their eyes. “Meanman.”

“Hey, no, you don’t get to do that,” Gordon said. _“You_ attacked _us,_ remember? We’re allowed to be pissed off, _you’re_ not.”

“Mleh, mleh, mleh.” Benrey pulled the hood further over their face. “I’ll be pissed off all I want.”

Gordon pulled the hood off Benrey’s head. Benrey hissed at him in response. “Did you just- never mind.” He fought the urge to be annoyed when Benrey tugged the hood back into place. “Look, I know I said I was gonna try and talk to you, but if you’re just gonna be an ass, then I’m going back inside.”

“I- you… already told you,” Benrey muttered. “Do whatever. I don’t care.”

The resolve to bite back his annoyance dissolved. “Alright, you know what? Fuck this.” He stood up. “You’re insufferable, you know that? We shouldn’t even _have_ to deal with you after that shit you pulled in Black Mesa.”

“I wouldn’t have- it was- you _made_ me do that!” Benrey said angrily.

“I didn’t _make_ you do anything!” Gordon shot back. “You’re responsible for your own damn self!

Benrey got to their feet to face him. “I tried to- I _told_ you to turn around, but nooooo. Gotta make- fuckin’ everything… _difficult._ All the time. Make _me_ be the bad guy, but you just- you’re just a bad _listener.”_

Gordon felt like he was losing his goddamn mind. “You’re _seriously_ trying to blame what happened on _me?”_

“Wha- no! That’s not what I-”

“Because what happened in Black Mesa was _not_ my fault!”

“Bro, I didn’t _say_ that! Why- you’re not letting me explain-”

“Oh, by all means! Explain it to me,” Gordon demanded. “I’d _love_ to hear an explanation for that shit you pulled!”

Benrey stamped angrily. “I didn’t _want_ to be the bad guy, I just wanted you to-!” They clapped a hand over their mouth before they finished the sentence. Their mismatched eyes were wide with surprise like they couldn’t believe they’d almost let the sentence slip out.

The ominous, cut-off response was kind disturbing, and Gordon wasn’t sure there was a name for the emotion that settled in his stomach. It was heavy and confusing, and burning with uncertainty, but _damn_ him if he wasn’t curious. “What?” Gordon asked. “You just wanted me to _what?”_

They looked conflicted for a moment, their hand falling awkwardly to their side. Then their features straightened out, expressionless, and every bit as unnerving as it had been in Black Mesa. “Doesn’t uh… it don’t matter. Not gonna believe me anyhow.”

“You might be right,” Gordon agreed. “Maybe I won’t.” The confusion had chipped at his anger a little bit, and he took a breath to steady himself. “Look, we’re obviously not gonna talk all this out tonight. There’s just no fucking way.”

“Okay.”

Gordon ignored the deadpan response. “So if you’re, like, feeling better? Then let’s just go back inside. Tommy paused the movie after you left, and everyone else is waiting.”

Benrey shrugged. “Sure.” They started for the door. “Keepin’ your jacket, though.”

“What? No. Give it back.”

“Nuh-uh,” Benrey held open the door for him. “You signed over your rights, bro. It’s mine for the night.”

Gordon sighed, but found the usual irritation wasn’t there. “Whatever, man.” He took the door handle and nudged Benrey to move. “I’m not letting you follow me in, move your ass.”

“Whoa, you’re talking about my ass now?” Benrey asked as they walked back to the living room. “Pretty uh- that’s kinda gay, bro, not gonna lie.”

“You talked about my ass all the fucking time in Black Mesa!” Gordon protested. “You didn’t even ‘no-homo’ that shit.”

Benrey faked a dramatic gasp. “Maaaaaan, I _totally_ forgot to no-homo that shit.”

“Who’s the gay one now?” Gordon asked triumphantly.

“Still you,” Benrey got to the living room first, greeting the expectant Science Team with a casual, “‘Sup, gamers.”

Tommy beamed. “Oh, good! You’re back.” He looked to Gordon. “Everything, uh... go okay out there?”

Gordon hesitated. “Could’ve been worse.” Tommy’s smile faltered, but he didn’t press. “Wanna start this movie back up?”

“Yes! Finally!” Bubby exclaimed from the love seat. “You dipshits walked out _right_ at the good part.”

Benrey flopped back down on the couch. “Whatever, just start the thing, let’s goooo.”

The intense music started exactly where it left off, the fight between Ralph and King Candy kicking into high gear. Gordon and Tommy already knew the result of the fight, but everyone else was sitting on the edge of their seats. Not literally, of course, everyone was still sitting comfortably in their seats, but still.

Gordon grabbed the bowl of popcorn he had left sitting between himself and Benrey. “You want anymore of this?” Benrey shook their head. “Fine. More for me, I guess.”

He turned his attention back to the movie, trying to ignore how Benrey fiddled the string of the jacket they stole from him. They didn’t look ready to go running off again, but they certainly looked uncomfortable.

And Gordon wasn’t gonna do anything about that. He’d already done his part for the night.

Ignoring it, ignoring it, ignoring it. Yep. He was definitely ignoring this.

Benrey hummed anxiously as King Candy flippantly mentioned how fun it would be to kill Ralph.

.. damn his bleeding heart.

Gordon moved to sit in the middle of the couch, right next to Benrey. “Talk to me,” he said quietly.

Benrey turned to stare at him. “Huh?”

“Sh,” Gordon nodded to the Science Team. “Everyone’s still watching. This scene is still bothering you, right? So keep it down and _talk_ to me.”

They relaxed a little. “Oh. Uh…” Dropping their voice to a whisper, they asked, “What- who unfucked your arm?”

Wow, okay. What a topic. “Tommy’s dad,” he replied. “G-Man.” He glanced around to see if the quiet conversation was bothering anyone. Luckily, the TV was loud enough to drown it out.

Benrey turned to face the TV again. “Shoulda guessed. He’s a great cool.” There was a moment of silence between the two while the movie continued playing. “Sorry uh- about… that. Your arm.” Gordon barely had time to be surprised before Benrey rolled right into the next topic. “You see your- the… the baby in the picture? Your kid?”

“Yeah. I’m actually going to be getting him for a few weeks here pretty soon.” So they weren’t lingering on the apology for long. That was probably a good thing, since Gordon wasn’t really sure how to respond to it anyway. “You guys are gonna have to come over sometime and meet him.”

“Even me?” Benrey asked, watching King Candy grab Ralph and fly into the air, making him watch Vanellope die. Which wasn’t going to happen, Gordon knew, but it was still an intense moment.

Gordon nodded. Then he remembered Benrey wasn’t looking at him. “Yeah. Yeah, you too.” Another beat of silence. “We’re… probably gonna have to talk before then. About stuff.”

“Dope.” One the screen, Ralph was hurtling back down towards the volcano. That ‘bad guy affirmation’ really hit different during this scene. “Hey, you think um… you think I could do that?”

“What?”

Benrey gestured vaguely at the screen. “The uh… you know, what he’s doin’. Good guy stuff. Think I could do that? Be a good guy?”

Could they? It was a hard question to answer. “We’ll see, dude.” He carded through the tangles in his ponytail. “But I think you’re off to a good start.”

Their mouth opened to respond, but was quickly interrupted by Vanellope catching Ralph before he met a super-heated doom in the volcano. They pumped both fists into the air. “Yooooo! He _made_ it!”

Gordon exploded with laughter. “Dude, he’s the main character! There’s _no_ way they were gonna let him die!”

Tommy whooped. “Protagonists rights!”

“Protagonist rights!” Darnold and Dr. Coomer echoed. Sunkist barked enthusiastically, as if she was trying to join in.

“Shut the fuck!” Bubby scolded everyone. “Movie’s not over yet!”

Benrey leaned back against the couch, a smile threatening to split their face in two. “I fuckin’ _love_ this movie, bro.”

Gordon didn’t have a response. He was too busy marveling at Benrey’s stupid smile. It wasn’t smug or menacing. Despite the sharper than average teeth, it was just a… _normal_ smile. He couldn’t even pinpoint what was so weird about it. He’d seen Benrey smile before, hadn’t he?

Then Benrey looked over at him, still smiling, no shadow over their face, and Gordon got it. Yellow eye and pointed smile be damned, Benrey looked _human._

Human was… an _odd_ look on them, but not necessarily a bad one.

He could get used to this, he decided. It was still gonna be hard, and he still had no idea where he stood with the guy, but he could at least look Benrey in the eyes and not feel _completely_ filled with dread.

“What are _you_ lookin’ at Gaydon Stareman?”

“Shut the fuck up, Benrey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm losing my shit, y'all. You guys are? melting my heart? Every single comment is like a direct kiss to my forehead, thank.
> 
> Also, sorry if you thought the Big Talk was gonna happen this chapter. Forgiveness? In chapter six? Not in my fic, no Ma'am, no Sir, no Mx. Gonna take a little more time than that.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Until next time! Love y'all!


	7. Talking With a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks! Sorry this one took so long, I had really rough week and couldn't really bring myself to write anything, BUT we're back, baby! And here's chapter 7! Tommy and Benrey moments, REAL.
> 
> Anyhow, Tommy finds out Benrey's origin story! It'll be fine.

Benrey wasn’t religious. Heaven, hell, gods, demons… they didn’t find any of those things particularly interesting. What could there possibly be in death that you couldn’t already find in life?

Heaven? Playing videogames. Hell? Black Mesa. Gods and demons? G-Man and Nihilanth were probably as close to gods as you could get, and they’d met more than a few demonic individuals in their lifetime (scientists, the military, etc).

But if Benrey had to pick _one_ thing the humans got right, it was probably angels. Their proof? Tommy Coolatta.

He was nice, probably immortal, and--as far as Benrey could tell--infinitely patient. Even when it came to Benrey, he was patient. And Benrey wasn’t exactly making that easy.

Tommy had to press them to do _anything._ Sleeping, eating, neither of which they’d done very much of. Sleeping was major sucks, and they didn’t like it. Eating they had a semi-legitimate excuse for: they just forgot that was a thing they had to do now.

Humans died if they didn’t eat for a while, right? Could Benrey starve to death now? Probably. It’d take a while, though.

There were definitely _much_ faster ways of killing a human being.

Hm.

They’d think about that later. For now, they just had to worry about Tommy, who was still trying to help them. For some reason. Benrey couldn’t figure it out, honestly. Maybe that’s why they were being adamant about not _accepting_ the help.

Tommy didn’t deserve this level of stubbornness, they knew that. And they felt pretty fucking awful about it. Especially since they’d been friends with Tommy since… it’d been a couple years, at least (Benrey wasn’t great with time). He was one of three friends Benrey ever made.

The other two were Josh and Jefferem, obviously. But Benrey wasn’t thinking about Josh and Jefferem and the years they spent together in Black Mesa. They weren’t thinking about it.

They were thinking about Tommy.

Any idle chatter the two had shared was brief, but Benrey wasn’t ever sure what to say. Sometimes the words just wouldn’t come out at all. They could fake it sometimes, talk even if they really, _really_ didn’t want to, but sometimes their brain just shut off the talk-thing completely.

Sweet Voice had always helped with stuff like this. Tommy could read Sweet Voice, which would have been great, if Benrey could manage to get the damn thing working. They’d been trying every day since their attempt during movie night.

Still nothing. And it’d been days.

Realistically, they could probably tell Tommy about it. They knew he’d listen. He’d understand or, at the very least, try to. But it was hard. Words weren’t easy, especially when they were talking about feelings.

Feelings were stupid and complicated. Benrey had a hard enough time talking about regular things, much less the nuances of human emotion. It’s why they depended on Sweet Voice so much.

Now they didn’t have it.

This was easier back on Xen. There weren’t any emotions to talk about when someone else did all your thinking for you.

“Benrey?” They glanced up, and Tommy was standing over them. How long had Tommy been there? How long had they been sitting on the couch? It felt like hours. Or days, maybe. Time was an illusion anyway.

They lifted a hand. “Yooooo, whassup Tommy?”

Tommy looked worried. Benrey still wasn’t used to that particular emotion being aimed in their general direction. “You haven't- you've been sitting here for a while. Like, all _day,_ actually. Are you okay?”

All day, huh? So not _days,_ plural. Just one day. “Uh… yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because… well, I just thought I’d ask.” Tommy took a seat on the couch next to them. “That’s what- what friends do, you know?”

“We’re friends?” Benrey asked.

“Of course!” Tommy said. “We’ve known each other for, uh, a couple of years now.” His expression almost looked _hurt,_ which made Benrey want to kick themself. “Did… did you think that we weren’t?”

That was a difficult question. At one point, yeah, they had assumed _everyone_ was their friend. But a lot had happened since then. “I thought… well, I mean, yeah. We _were._ But I’m- I was kind of a piece of shit.”

“Yeah. You- you were.” Tommy smiled. “But I like mean people, remember?”

Benrey couldn’t help themself. They laughed. “That’s not- bro, that’s different. _Bubby_ is a mean person. I’m- I was, like, _evil._ Straight up bad guy.”

Tommy’s smile didn’t waver. “I don’t think you’re evil.”

“Why not?” Benrey asked.

“I don’t know,” Tommy answered honestly, “I just- I have a feeling.”

Benrey looked at him in confusion. “What… what does that mean? You were supposed to- that doesn’t make sense. I'm the _bad guy.”_

The sentence felt almost too heavy to leave their mouth, but it did. It made them feel like the physical form of the word _blegh._

Tommy didn’t seem deterred, though. “You remember when we first met?”

They did. “Lab. Don’t remember which one- there was… like, a _shit_ ton of ‘em.”

He chuckled in response. “Oh, definitely.” He propped his elbow on the arm of the couch and leaned on it. “Anyway. I scared- I startled you so bad that you jumped- you jumped higher than a- a grasshopper on a pogo stick.”

Benrey blinked. Were they supposed to know what a pogo stick was? “Yeah, you… you got me pretty good, bro. Maxed out your stealth. Nobody ever actually did that before.”

“That’s what you said back then, too,” Tommy noted. “And you- that’s when I saw, uh, Sweet Voice.” He smiled. “It was… it’s really pretty, you know. I didn’t know the- the meaning at the time, but I remember the colors.”

“Red to orange sunrise,” Benrey muttered. “Took me by surprise.” They considered his next statement carefully. “I almost… I thought I was gonna have to, like, kill you. Or something. You know that?”

Tommy didn’t look particularly surprised. “Because of the, uh- alien thing?”

“Yeah. Thought you uh… you found me out. Thought my cover was blown.” They tried to recall the conversation as accurately as they could. “Then you- you asked if it was some… side effect. Of hanging around radioactive bullshit or… just any Black Mesa bullshit. I just uh- you know, rolled with it.”

“You’re welcome for the cover story,” Tommy teased. “Though I guess I should- I should also thank you, too.”

Benrey raised an eyebrow. “Huh? For what?”

Tommy shrugged. “Letting me study your- the Sweet Voice. I used it for Sunkist, you know.”

“Oh yeah.” The giant dog wasn’t in the room, currently, but she was probably lurking around somewhere. “She ever use the um… calm down stuff? Blue?”

Tommy nodded. “Mm-hm. Sometimes.” There was another pause. “You know I’m… _I’m_ an alien.”

“Yeah.”

“So why didn’t you… just _tell_ me that you were an alien, too? Like, sooner than- than ResCas. That really surprised me, y-you know? I could’ve helped.”

Benrey hesitated. “Because- well, I… because I was- I’m- uh…” Shit, truth was coming out right _now._ They sighed. “How much do you… did your dad ever, like, _tell_ you what was going on with Xen?”

Tommy seemed confused by the apparent change in subject, but answered anyway. “I don’t… I mean, he told me that’s where the- the aliens came from, but other than _that,_ not really.

“Hm.” Benrey pulled their knees up onto the couch. “Guess, I’ll have to, uh- fill you in.” They tapped on their arm anxiously. “So, like, portal. The one you went through? That was bad news.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Benrey cleared their throat. “I might have… I kinda knew. Where the portal went.”

Tommy frowned. “Huh… and how _long_ did you know?”

Benrey shrugged. “The uh… whole time? Ever since the- what’d you call it? Resi- Renaissance Casket?”

“Resonance Cascade,” Tommy corrected. “Benrey, you _knew?”_

“Uh- well, yeah.” Benrey shrugged. “I’m the one who- I fucked up the portal. The first time. I broke it tryin’ to get back. After Black Mesa… kinda, like, kidnapped me. When they dragged me over here from Xen.”

They let that one hang in the air for a moment. They didn’t want to have to explain that they were from Xen. The Science Team was smart enough to figure out they were an alien, for sure, but if anyone knew which _planet…_

Well, guess it didn’t matter now. Tommy gaped at them with understanding, finally understanding Benrey’s fucked up origin. “You- you're from Xen?”

Benrey rubbed the back of their neck. “I figured that you guys would, like, let Bubby roast me alive if you um- found out. So I didn’t say nothin’ about it. ‘Cause aliens are- I mean you and your old man are fine, just… Xen is not a great cool. So.”

Tommy took a slow breath. “O-okay. Let me- I gotta process that for a second.”

“Sure,” Benrey said.

After about thirty seconds of agonizing silence, Tommy finally spoke again. “What did- what did you mean by ‘Black Mesa kidnapped you’?”

“Just that? Exactly what it, uh, sounds like.” Benrey shifted. “Scientists built the portal thing, like, _forever_ ago. Came over to the… to the dark side, bro. Xen. Start fuckin’ with shit they shouldn’t have. They got caught.”

“By you?”

Benrey laughed. “Me? Nah. Nihilanth.” They waved a hand around vaguely. “It’s like… this big baby head lookin’... god? Maybe? Some weirdo in the sky. Controls everything. Hivemind and shit, you know?"

"Oh."

"Yeah," Benrey thought back. They hadn't really thought about this part in a while. Never really needed to. "I was, like, part of that whole biz. I was gonna kill the- I didn’t know they were humans, at the time, but yeah. We were gonna kill them. You guys probably saw- you see, like, an HEV suit anywhere? Dead guy?"

Tommy's eyes widened slightly. "Yeah, I... I think we _did._ I didn't even... I didn't even think about why it was _there,_ I just- oh."

"Yeah, that was one of 'em," Benrey said. "Hope you didn't uh... pop that fucker open. That guy would probs be a skeleton by now."

"Holy shit," Tommy breathed. "You- you're not lying. Black Mesa had a portal to- to Xen. Covered it up for- for _years._ Holy _shit."_

Benrey nodded. "Mm-hm."

Tommy took a moment to compose himself. “Okay, okay. And then what- what happened after that?”

And then the worst thing ever in Benrey’s entire life. “Um… got shot a bunch. Passed out, I think. Then I was… here. Earth.” The tapping moved from their arm to their head. This would be a bad time for all their thoughts to start spilling out, they needed to keep it all in one place.

“Benrey.” Tommy’s voice derailed their train of thought. “What happened when you, um... got to Earth?”

“Oh.” Benrey kept tapping. _Slow,_ they warned themself, _don’t ramble like an idiot._ “Tried getting back. Through the portal, I mean. I did a bad. Didn’t make it. Broke the thing. Scientists were pretty uh- upset. About that. Like I broke their favorite toy, lmao.”

Tommy didn’t look amused by the ‘lmao’. “Benrey, that doesn’t sound funny.”

“Eh, guess it wasn’t,” Benrey agreed. “Kinda sucked, tbh. Experiments and shit? It was _wack.”_

“Experiments?” Tommy asked, looking bewildered. “What experiments?”

“The… the fuckin’ _experiments,_ man,” Benrey said. “They didn’t, like, catch me for funsies. They wanted to do tests and stuff. On me. Spliced my uh… genes and shit. Fucked with my DNA. Studied me. Normal scientist stuff.” They shrugged. "Human DNA and Xen shit is, like... real weird. When you mix 'em. Gave me a bunch of cool powers. Noclip and shit. It was pretty dope."

Tommy still didn't look amused. He didn't seem interested in the story at all. Didn't even ask about the powers. Lame. “My father wouldn’t have… how did that get authorized?”

Benrey was confused. Did Tommy not know? “Dude, it fuckin’- it didn’t. Those scientists avoided Mr. Coolatta like a plague. That’s how ResCas happened. Numbers were weird, but no one wanted to uh… get the admin. Fucked everything up.”

They didn’t recognize the expression on Tommy’s face. “What? Th-that doesn’t… _what?”_

“So much shit flew under the radar, man. Including me.” Wow, Tommy looked kinda… stressed? Confused? Both? Emotions were hard. “Did you um… really not know?”

Tommy shook his head. “No, I didn’t…I didn’t even know Black M-Mesa had a portal to Xen until… I need to call my dad about-”

“Don’t!” Benrey clamped their mouth shut to prevent anything else from slipping out. “Uh- please? Don’t do that? Black Mesa is- it’s gone anyway. So it’s, like, fine. Right?”

“No,” Tommy said firmly. “That's- that's _not_ fine.” He stood up. “I need to find Sunkist. Stay here.”

Like Benrey had anywhere else to go. They waited for Tommy to get back, trying to think of ways to lighten the conversation a bit. They were so deep in their thoughts that they didn’t even realize Tommy was back until Sunkist jumped onto the couch. “Whoa! Hi- hey, girl. Big pupper.”

Tommy sat back down on the couch, running a hand through the golden fur. “Okay, so, Black Mesa. Unauthorized experiments. Tell me more about, um, that.”

Benrey shook their head. “Nah, dude, you’re… like, gettin’ all stressed out. Had to go get the- your emotional support pupper.”

“Sunkist isn’t just here for- for me,” Tommy said. “She’s here for you, too. Now talk.”

Oh. “Um… okay? There’s not a whole lot to say though.” Benrey wracked their brain, trying to think of something to say. “It’s not- I mean, _you’re_ a scientist, right? You get it. I was just a parasite.”

“You’re not- but you're not anymore, though,” Tommy observed. “What happened?”

“Told you already. They spliced my shit. Human DNA. Made me… conscious. Like, I could think for myself, without the- you know, hivemind… stuff. I reacted to the shit they did.” Their stomach twisted in a weird way. A not nice way. They ignored it. “I tried not to, ‘cause… it just made ‘em wanna study me more. When I reacted.”

“But you- you're _out_ now,” Tommy said. “How long- when did you…”

Benrey had to think about that one for a second. “Hm… well, I got out once, like, a _really_ long time ago, but-”

_Don’t think about the damn house!_

Just like the last time the house crossed their mind, Benrey smacked the back of their head to get it out. Stupid fucking _brain._ Why wasn’t there an off switch for this thing?

“Benrey!” Tommy grabbed their wrist. “Stop- don’t do that, you’ll- you're gonna hurt yourself.”

Benrey stared at him. That was the point. Make it hurt. Make the thoughts stop. When the thoughts weren’t staying where they were supposed to, Benrey had to _make_ them stay.

If they had their helmet on, it’d be easier to keep all their thoughts together, but they still weren’t comfortable putting that back on.

Of course, they didn’t tell Tommy any of this. All they said was, “Uh- whoops. Sorry.” Then they dropped their hand and let it rest on Sunkist’s head. “Anyway, uh… some shit happened. I ended up going back to Mesa. Not ‘cause I _wanted_ to, just… didn’t have anywhere else to go. Wasn’t smart enough to do anything else yet.”

“That sounds awful.”

“S’whatever. Scientists didn’t… they didn’t really even know I was gone. Just came back like nothing happened,” Benrey said. “I escaped again. After a few years, when I got, uh- smarter. Big brain. And better at um… shapeshifting. So I could blend. Customized my own character.” They gestured to their _mostly_ human-looking form. “Pretty cool, huh?”

Tommy studied them. “So, Black Mesa- they fixed the portal… when?”

Benrey shrugged. “Shortly before ResCas? I guess? I dunno for sure, but Gordon definitely pushed something- some Xen type of bullshit into the… laser thing.”

“Is that why you were following him?” Tommy asked

“Nah,” Benrey said. “Didn’t know Mesa was back in business with Xen until I, like, _saw_ the fuckin’ thing. I followed Gordon ‘cause I like- um… he was fun to mess with. Asking for his passport. It was funny.” They bit their lip. “Less fun when… shit happened.”

“Specify uh... ‘shit happened’.”

“M’trying.” Benrey took a breath, trying to form a coherent sentence. God, they _hated_ talking. They wished they could _not_ talk. “Fuck, this is- this is hard.”

Tommy raised an eyebrow. “It’s not hard. Just explain.”

Benrey threw their hands in the air. “Fuckin’- explain _what,_ bro? I don’t… what do you- what should I _say?”_ Where did they start? Where _could_ they start? Was there anywhere they could start that _wouldn’t_ make this sound like a shitshow? “I fuckin’ _told_ you guys to go back. You didn’t _listen.”_

“Well, I’m listening now,” Tommy pointed out. “Just tell me- tell me what happened.”

Just tell him what happened. _Just tell him what happened._ Every word was getting caught in their throat, but they forced it out anyway. “I wanted… I knew if you went through the- stupid portal, then you… have to fight it. Nihilanth. I didn’t want you to. So I uh… tried getting you to turn around. Tried getting _him_ to turn around. Gordon. I knew you’d all follow him if he went back.”

Tommy nodded slowly. “That’s why you annoyed him?”

“No- I mean, kinda. It was still just… _fun._ But um… sometimes, yeah. I wanted him to get out of Black Mesa. Leave before we got to the… yep. Thought I could piss him off enough to turn around. Didn’t work.”

“And you didn’t think- why wouldn’t you…” Tommy sighed. “Why didn’t you _say_ anything?”

“Because how the fuck do I- I couldn’t _explain_ how I knew the portal led to Xen without… admitting I was _from_ there.” All of a sudden, they couldn’t look at Tommy. “Then you guys would’ve… killed me anyways. Or tried to. So I didn’t say nothin’.”

Sunkist whimpered and put her head in their lap. It might’ve been nice, if Benrey wasn’t two seconds away from bolting.

“So why would- why did you hand him over to the military?”

Benrey winced. They knew this question was coming. It was a fair question, it just didn’t have a nice answer. “It’s… stupid. Really, _really_ stupid. Not even kidding, bro.”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “You’re gonna have to tell me eventually, so just _spill.”_

Okay, wow, Tommy was starting to sound annoyed. They weren’t sure if they’d ever heard _Tommy_ get annoyed before. That wasn’t in the plan.

 _There is no plan,_ they had to remind themself, _there is no Black Mesa._

“Gordon is… like, super stubborn, right? And he wasn’t _leaving_ like I wanted him to, so… I tried to- I don’t know. The military wanted to take him. Somewhere. And I needed him gone, so I could… destroy the portal again without you guys being in danger.”

“In danger?”

“Yeah. Because I was gonna blow that shit to hell, and you guys- I know you wouldn’t have listened if I said ‘stay away from the portal’.” Benrey ran a hand through their hair, like they’d seen Gordon do so many times before. Why were they thinking about that right now? “Which is, like, _fair,_ because I was mad sus, bro. But still.”

Tommy held up a hand. “Wait, so you handed Mr. Freeman over to the- the military because… you thought he’d be _safer?”_

“Lotta good it did,” Benrey muttered. “Lost his- I got his… fuckin’ hand cut off.” Their hand curled into their dark strands and tugged. “That’s, like, super shitty. I- fuck. Can’t believe they did that.”

“Benrey?”

They shook their head. “No, it’s… I can’t. No wonder you- you guys fuckin’ _hate_ me. I would. I do. I fucked up. I fucked _so_ much.”

Sunkist climbed into their lap, forcing them to lean back into the couch. Just like movie night. Benrey didn’t even try to resist it, just fell back into the cushions.

“This sucks,” they muttered. “I didn’t- I don't _like_ bein’ the bad guy, man.”

Tommy nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I- I was kinda wondering about that. The bad guy thing?”

They tensed. Wondering about it? What was there to wonder about? “You were?”

“Mm-hm.” Tommy tilted his head. “For someone claiming to be, uh- a bad guy, you were doing an awful lot of n- _not_ shooting at us."

… damnit.

“Uh- it’s all your… pro-gamer strats, bro. You guys- you um… I didn’t even… get the chance. To shoot at you. Yeah.”

Tommy studied them. “Benrey, were you just… trying to get us back through the portal? Is that why you didn’t- didn't shoot back?”

They wavered a bit. “Maybe,” came the quiet reply.

“Didn’t want us to- to fight the… N-Nihi- Nihilanth?”

Benrey couldn’t look Tommy in the eye. “Does it… like, _matter?”_

“Yeah.” Tommy said. “It matters. It really, _really_ matters.” He clasped his hands together and set them in his lap. “Are you gonna... talk to the others about this?”

Benrey shrugged. “Dunno. Is it- should I?”

“I think you should,” Tommy answered. “I think you- they have a right to know. Especially Mr. Freeman.”

They kept their gaze trained on the ceiling. “Why’d you… bring me back? Like, _actually_ why.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment. “You’re my friend, Benrey. I found out I- I had a chance to get you back so I did.”

“Well, maybe I’m… maybe I’m _s’posed_ to be dead,” Benrey mused absently. “It was, like, _better._ Right? When I was gone? Gordon was probably less stressed and… Bubby is super moody, now that I’m back. He wouldn’t be like that if I was gone. And you wouldn’t be- just, like, so fuckin’ _worried_ all the time.” They looked over at Tommy. “You know what I mean?”

They expected Tommy to agree. To smile and nod and admit, _yeah,_ it was _easier_ when they were gone. It’d _be_ easier if they were gone again.

But he just _stared_ at them. Eyes wide and shining with- was Tommy _crying?_ “Uh… bro, are you okay?”

“Are _you?”_

Of course they were _._ They always were. They were Benrey, and they were _always_ okay.

They nodded, giving Tommy their best smile (and hoped it didn’t look menacing). “Yeah, ‘course I am. I’m… great. Cool.”

“You’re _lying.”_

The accusation hit them like a brick to the face. “Wha- no? I’m- I know I _did_ lie. A lot. In uh- Black Mesa. But I’m not lyin’ anymore. M'fine.”

Tommy ran a hand over his face. “Benrey, you- you can’t just _say_ stuff like that, it’s… that _worries_ me.”

Benrey tilted their head. “What’d I say? What are you- I didn’t mean to, like, worry you or nothin’.” Tommy sighed in response, which didn’t really help Benrey decipher what was happening. “Bro, what’d I _say?”_

He shook his head. “I-I’m not sure you’d understand. Even if- even if I explained it to you.”

“I’m not stupid,” Benrey replied on reflex, but they were beginning to doubt the statement.

“No,” Tommy agreed. “You’re not- you're _not_ stupid, Benrey. You just… need help, I think.” Sunkist barked quietly, a small sound in the back of her throat, almost like she was agreeing. “I have to… I’m gonna make a few phone calls. N-nothing bad, I promise.”

Benrey flashed him a thumbs up as he stood up and walked away. “Cool beans, bro.” They weren’t sure why that was their response. It didn’t really _feel_ very ‘cool beans’.

Tommy was worried again. Because of Benrey. Wasn’t that just proving their point? That they just caused problems and made people worry? That was _bad._ They weren’t even _trying_ to be bad anymore, and it was still happening.

They were still fucking this up.

Benrey buried their face in Sunkist’s fur and waited for Tommy to come back. Existing was seriously _way_ too fucking confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wonder who Tommy's gonna call :)
> 
> Can't wait for the next chapter, guys. Thank you for all the support. I love y'all! 'Til next time!


	8. Therapy Session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little shorter than I wanted it to be, but I think I got everything in there that I wanted to.
> 
> I don't see enough of Gordon going to therapy, so I'm doing it myself. Let's get some emotions up in here, y'all, let's get this introspection. whoop whoop.

“Do you ever think that maybe you missed them?”

Gordon stared at his therapist, only really half registering what she was asking. “Do I think _what?”_

“Do you think you missed them,” she repeated. “This person who’s come back into your life. Benrey. Do you think you missed them while they were gone?”

“No,” Gordon said firmly. “Benrey was _insufferable,_ and I got seriously hurt because of them. Why the hell would I _miss_ any of that?”

She tapped her pencil against the clipboard she was holding. “I don’t necessarily mean you missed them for the _person_ they were. Just that you might miss their _presence_ in your life.”

“They were in my life for _two weeks,”_ Gordon said. “And they fucked up _everything_ within that time frame.” He held up his right hand. “This. Benrey did this. How could I possibly miss someone who would _do_ this to people?”

“Benrey was _personally_ responsible for what happened to your hand?”

Gordon hesitated. He’d discussed the incident with her before, she was the only person outside of the Science Team that he _could_ talk to about it. A Black Mesa approved therapist, which Gordon didn’t think he’d ever be able to find.

Luckily, he had the Science Team on his side for that. And Tommy’s father of course. That guy seemed to have an infinite number of strings to pull. It was concerning, at first, how quickly G-Man could turn any situation in his favor, but Gordon had learned not to question it too much.

“I mean… they weren’t the one that cut it off, if that’s what you’re asking,” Gordon said finally. “But yeah. I’d say they were personally responsible for it.”

“Interesting.” She flipped through the pages attached to her clipboard. “Because before today, you claimed that _Bubby_ was the one responsible for what happened to your arm. You’ve never mentioned Benrey had something to do with it.” She frowned, flipping through a few more pages. “In fact… I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned Benrey at _all.”_

Gordon laughed, something forced and nervous. “Well, yeah, because I was _trying_ to forget about them.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Anyway, Benrey _and_ Bubby were kind of- they were _both_ responsible for what happened. They did it together.”

She nodded. “I see… well, for future reference, therapy works best when you tell the truth.”

“I didn’t _lie_ , exactly, I just-”

“The _whole_ truth,” she interrupted. “It sounds like Benrey had a profound impact on your life, even if the time you spent together was short. This may be the longest amount of time you’ve spent on a single subject.”

He looked at the clock on the wall. Sure enough, more than half of his session was over, and they had been talking about Benrey the entire time. Usually, they jumped from subject to subject, partially due to Gordon’s ADHD, but also to prevent him from becoming stuck on a certain event.

“Well, they- it’s… there’s a lot to talk about, when it comes to Benrey,” Gordon said. “They were a total pain in my ass. Not to mention an absolute _menace.”_

She raised an eyebrow. “So why not mention that outright? The incident with your hand is the first thing you’ve said about them that was inherently negative.”

Gordon blinked. “What?”

She consulted her notes. “You’ve mentioned the teasing, and the passport, neither of which sound particularly _menacing._ Just annoying.”

“Benrey _is_ annoying.”

“You’ve also said they made you laugh on several occasions,” she noted. “Offered to help you cross a potentially lethal gap, and even stayed up with you through the nights you couldn’t sleep.”

Okay, he could admit that he hadn’t necessarily given her the _best_ examples of Benrey being Benrey. “Fine. Wanna know some shit about Benrey? Here you go.” He started counting off on his fingers. “They got my arm cut off, annoyed me the entire time we were in Black Mesa, they killed a _shit_ ton of people, and they _attacked_ us as soon as we got through the portal.”

“Attacked you?” Her pencil hovered over the paper. “How do you mean?”

Gordon heaved an exasperated sigh. “I mean they turned into a giant fucking… _thing._ And asked me if I wanted to die, like a fucking lunatic.”

She wrote something down. “Did they say anything else?”

“Not really, they just-”

_Stop shooting at me or I’ll have to shoot back!_

He paused. “They said… at some point they said we shouldn’t shoot at them. Because they’d have to shoot _back_ if we did, but… I never really understood why they would say that.”

“Well, did they ever shoot at you?”

“I mean _no,_ but… why does that matter?”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t, necessarily. I just want to know what happened so I can help you better.” She wrote something down on her clipboard again. “What did you do after Benrey said not to shoot them?”

Gordon leaned back in his chair. “I shot them.”

She nodded. “Did you do that often?”

“Did I do what often?”

“Shoot them.”

“I-” Gordon shifted. “It’s not… yeah, I might’ve.” She peered at him over her glasses. “They weren’t- it didn’t _hurt_ them, it just- I wasn’t…” He struggled for an excuse for it, but found himself stammering over his own words.

But what did he need an excuse for? It was Benrey. They were _fine._ All they did was hinder him all throughout Black Mesa, anyway.

She set her pencil down. “I think I understand why you’ve never brought up Benrey during any of our sessions.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“You feel guilty about it.”

Gordon nearly choked on air. “Guilty? For _what?_ I don’t- I don’t have anything to feel guilty _about._ Benrey betrayed m- they betrayed us. All of us. And besides, they’re _literally_ an alien! I don’t feel guilty about it, I just… don’t want to think about them.”

“You’ll have to eventually. You know that, right?” Gordon would have disagreed with her a couple of weeks ago. He could push Benrey out of his mind forever if he wanted to. But with their recent reappearance… “Gordon, can I ask you something? And you’d have to think _very_ hard about the answer.”

“Sure,” Gordon said. “That’s what I’m here for, right?”

She put her clipboard on the small table next to her and leaned forward. “Why is Benrey the exception to every rule?”

Gordon frowned. “Benrey’s not an exception to _anything.”_

“You don’t have to feel guilty about shooting them because they’re an alien. Would you feel the same way about shooting your other alien friend, Tommy?”

“What? I would _never_ shoot Tommy. Why-”

“How about Bubby? The other person responsible for what happened to your hand. You’ve forgiven _him,_ haven’t you?”

“That is _not_ the same, Bubby _apologized_ to me for that.”

She tilted her head. “Then… I’m guessing Benrey _hasn’t_ apologized for that?”

“It’s- okay, they _did,_ but it’s _not_ that simple.” And it wasn’t. A three second apology after the _months_ Gordon spent recovering? One ‘I’m sorry’ whispered during movie night didn’t make things better. “It doesn’t change anything that happened to me. It doesn’t change the fact that they _crippled_ me, almost permanently.”

“I’m not saying it’s simple. And I’m not downplaying what they did to you either. I’m asking why you haven’t extended them the same chance you gave everyone else.”

“Because it’s _Benrey!”_

The room was silent for a moment, making Gordon more uncomfortable the longer it stretched on. He could hear the clock on the wall ticking, it was so quiet.

Finally, she picked up her clipboard and started writing again. “That’s not a very fair reason, Gordon.”

He sighed. “I know.”

She continued writing. “It almost feels like you’re _actively_ trying to avoid giving me--or yourself--a reason as to why you don’t want to talk to them.”

“I _did_ talk to them. A little.”

“How’d that go?”

“Not… _bad,”_ Gordon said. “We didn’t really get very far. There was some yelling, from me _and_ them. At one point, they kinda… interrupted themself? Like they almost said something they weren’t supposed to.”

She hummed. “You should probably ask them about that. It might be important.”

Gordon sighed. “Yeah, I probably will, eventually.” He slumped in his chair. “Then they stole my jacket.”

She paused. “Did you… _give_ them the jacket?”

Gordon felt his face heat up. “Don’t- it was cold outside, and they were… I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Of course.” She stopped writing to look up at him again. “This is a safe place, Gordon. I’m not here to judge you.”

“I know.”

“So… why won’t you talk to Benrey?”

A chorus of excuses came to mind, but Gordon shoved them all back down. He might not be ready to open up to Benrey, or even the Science Team, but he could trust his therapist with this.

“I’m _afraid_ to talk to Benrey,” Gordon admitted. “Because if I talk to them, and I _will_ have to one of these days, then I might find out they’re _actually_ sorry. And I’m not gonna know how to deal with that.”

“How come?” She asked. “Wouldn’t it be a relief knowing they regret what happened? A weight off your chest?”

Gordon shrugged. “I mean, sure, I guess. But what then? I’ll still be scared of them. An apology or an explanation doesn’t fix PTSD, you know?”

“I’m aware.”

 _Tell her the rest,_ he berated himself, _you know that’s not everything._

“Also, um…” Gordon thought carefully about his next statement. “On the off chance that they--and I’m not saying this is _true,_ but… if they really _didn’t_ mean to hurt me? Like, if everything actually _was_ an accident…”

“Yes?”

“Then I don’t… I don’t have reason for killing them anymore,” he managed to say. “I mean, they were shitty. And irritating. And they hurt me. But you’re right. It’s not anything the rest of the Science Team didn’t do. Except maybe the… being the size of a skyscraper.”

Her face softened. “Unfortunately, this is something I _can’t_ help you with. That’s gonna have to be between you and Benrey.”

That’s exactly what Gordon was afraid of. “I know. And uh- thanks. For making me talk about it.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “We’ve got about fifteen minutes left, and I don’t want to send you out of here with a topic that heavy. Why don’t we discuss Joshua for the remainder of this session?”

Oh, _finally._ A little piece of his life that wasn’t a complete shitshow. “Joshua! Right, yeah, I’m actually supposed to be getting him this weekend.”

The rest of the conversation was kind of a blur. They discussed Joshua and how he might react to Gordon’s prolonged absence. How Gordon should let Joshua adjust a little before introducing his new friends. And that Gordon may want to introduce them one at a time, given their… _colorful_ personalities.

By the time he left the therapy session, he was feeling a little lighter. He always did. There were still a couple of things weighing on his mind, but that wasn’t so unusual, given the… everything.

He got in his car and let his head rest on the steering wheel for a moment, trying to process the conversation about Benrey.

It _had_ felt good to say it out loud, but now he wasn’t so sure. She was right, of course, this was gonna have to be something he talked out with Benrey. And maybe she was also right about how guilty he felt, but was all still conditional. If Benrey actually meant to hurt him, then he didn’t have to feel guilty.

But if they _didn’t_ mean to, well…

Gordon shook himself out of his trance and started the car. He needed to get home and let his brain take a break. Thinking about Benrey and the inevitable conversation could wait until later.

Later Gordon was gonna hate him for that, but at the moment, he didn’t care.

His phone started ringing when he got about halfway home. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered without bothering to look at the Caller ID. There were only about three people that called him anymore and he didn’t want to take his eyes off the road.

“Hello?”

_“Mr. Freeman.”_

“Tommy! Hey,” Gordon greeted. “How are you?”

_“We need to, um, talk.”_

Gordon shifted to hold the phone better. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

 _“No, it’s… I-I’m fine, don’t worry.”_ There was a long sigh from the other end of the line. _“We need to- to talk about Benrey.”_

“Oh.”

 _“You need to talk to them,”_ Tommy said. _“I’ll mediate, but- you guys just… can you come over?”_

Gordon made an unsure sound. “Tommy, I _just_ got out of therapy. I’ve already been emotionally dissected enough for today.”

Tommy winced. _“Emotionally… Alright, just- when do you, um... when do you think you could come over?”_

“Sometime before this weekend,” Gordon promised. “I already told Benrey we needed to talk before Joshua got back, and he’s gonna be here Friday night.”

_“M-Mr. Freeman, it’s Wednesday.”_

Gordon blinked. “Oh yeah. I guess it is, huh?” He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. “Well, uh… I guess I’m not doing anything tomorrow. Is it alright if I come over then?”

_“Sure. Maybe around, uh, noon or so? I’ll make lunch.”_

“Sounds good.” Gordon felt worry twisting his stomach into a knot. “Is uh… is everything alright over there? With Benrey”

Tommy was quiet for a while. _“I don’t- I don’t think so.”_

“What’s going on?” Gordon asked. “Are you okay?”

 _“I already told you, I’m fine. It’s Benrey you should be worried about."_ Gordon didn’t respond. He may have opened up a little to his therapist, but that didn’t mean he was emotionally invested enough to _worry_ about them. _“Just... try to- to come with an open mind tomorrow? Please?”_

Okay, _that_ he could do. “I will, Tommy. Don’t worry. I’ll behave as long as they do.”

 _“That’s all I ask,”_ Tommy said in relief. _“I guess I’ll let you go now. Have a- a good day, Mr. Freeman.”_

“Yeah,” Gordon replied. “You too.” He waited until the line went dead to put the phone back in his pocket.

Well… _that_ was bizarre.

He really _had_ meant to talk to Benrey before Joshua arrived, if only to get the conversation over and done with. He had a bad habit of forgetting what day was which, especially when he didn’t have a schedule to keep track of. And now that he wasn’t working… yeah, he’d totally forgotten.

How long had it been since movie night? A couple of days, maybe? Long enough that he _could_ have scheduled something with Tommy, if he had remembered.

 _You didn’t forget,_ he reminded himself. _You lost track of time, but you didn’t forget._

Gordon shook his head to clear the thought. It was a very truthful thought, but an irritating one all the same.

So maybe he hadn’t exactly _forgotten_ to call Tommy about Benrey, but there was a set time now, and absolutely _no_ putting it off. Which was scary, in a way, because that made it real. He was going to talk to Benrey.

… he was going to talk to Benrey.

Tommy was gonna be there, it’s not like Gordon was doing this _alone._ Still, it was more than a little nerve-wracking. Just thinking about it was putting him on edge.

What was Benrey going to say? Tommy said they weren’t doing all that great, and that he was worried about them, so it couldn’t be _good_ news. Gordon didn’t doubt that Tommy was genuinely concerned, but he couldn’t imagine why. They were just… _Benrey._

Whatever it was, he was sure they'd be okay. Hell, the guy had fucking died and they still bounced back. Sans powers, maybe, but they were still _back._ And one could argue that Benrey losing their powers was actually a _good_ thing. It was safer. Like baby proofing a cabinet full of dangerous chemicals.

That might not be the greatest analogy, but it was the one he was going with. It implied that Benrey was a toddler, a mischievous one that couldn’t be trusted, and Gordon found that hilarious.

Smiling at the thought, Gordon continued his way home. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as he thought it was. They couldn’t do anything to him. He just had to keep reminding himself of that. And it’s not like they’d try anything with Tommy there, anyway.

Yeah. This was gonna be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. This is gonna be fine.
> 
> Absolutely fine :)


	9. It Could've Gone Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theydies and gentlethems, the moment has arrived! We are now approaching:
> 
> THE TALK.

The jacket probably didn’t mean anything, Benrey was well aware of that. It didn’t stop them from holding it, staring at it, wondering why Gordon had even given it to them in the first place. They might not have even been thinking about it so hard, except that Tommy said Gordon was going to talk to them.

They were going to talk to Gordon.

Not, like, a casual chat during movie night, or a three second ‘we’re havin’ it out’ on the front porch. A real, _actual_ talk. Which could be a problem, since Benrey was bad at really, _actually_ talking.

So they had stayed up all night, rehearsing what they were gonna say over and over again, and the words somehow changed every time.

“Hi Gordon, sorry about the arm, but-” No, not that. That would be a bad way to start.

“Hey, Freeman! So… I’m an alien and-” That was stupid, Gordon already _knew_ they were an alien.

“‘Sup, gamers. Time for big apology hours, totes not clickbait-” That would be funny, but probably not the best way to go about this.

Eventually they gave up trying to think of something to say. It was too hard. They sat on the bed, paced around the room, bounced in place until they got bored, and then did it all over again.

Benrey put the jacket on, took it off, then twisted it around their hands, debating whether or not they wanted to give it back. Of course, they didn’t _want_ to give it back, the question was more whether or not they were _going_ to.

They were, obviously. No sense in making Gordon more pissed off than he was already going to be. Under _normal_ circumstances, they’d probably keep it (if only to mess with Gordon a little), but these weren’t normal circumstances.

These were _weird_ circumstances. Everything was weird. Not _alien invasion_ weird--although that _did_ also suck--this was a different kind of weird. An angry, awkward kind of weird that Benrey didn’t know how to deal with. This never happened with… their other friends.

Benrey got back up on the bed and leaned against the headboard. This was bullshit they didn’t have to _deal_ with in Black Mesa. For _years,_ everything had been the exact same, day in and day out, and they had _liked_ it that way. It was routine, and it was _safe._

Now nothing was safe. There _was no_ routine.

Plan. They needed a plan. Step one, give Gordon his jacket back. That was a good place to start. Step two, don’t be annoying (or only be annoying when it’s funny). Step three, don’t piss Gordon the fuck off.

They sighed. “Step four, I _suck_ at making plans.” But they already knew that. If Black Mesa was any indication of their plan-making skills, then Benrey was probably the worst plan-maker in the history of ever.

Awesome. This was gonna be great. What was that thing Gordon used to say? Some streamer lingo… “Poggers.” Yeah, that was it.

A knock on the door made Benrey jump. “Benrey? Gordon is- he’s on his way. You wanna come to the living room?”

No. No, they did not. “Yeah, uh… I’m comin’.” Benrey unwrapped the jacket from around their hands to hold it normally. Was there a normal way to hold a jacket? By the hood, maybe? Or the sleeves? Nah, that looked dumb.

“Benrey?”

“Said I’m comin’, hang on.” They wadded up the jacket and sort of just held it at their side. That probably shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was.

Tommy sucked in a breath when Benrey opened the door. “Oh- Benrey, you look… did you get any sleep?”

Benrey shrugged. “Buh, don’t need sleep, bro. Remember? Got them… epic gamer moves.” It occurred to them that they probably couldn’t keep the ‘no powers’ thing a secret forever. Today wasn’t the day to talk about it, though.

Then it occurred to them that Tommy said Gordon was _on his way._

Fuck. That was sooner than they would have liked. Though, they suspected _any_ time would have been too soon. They weren’t gonna be ready no matter how long they waited.

Whatever. They had Tommy and about twenty minutes, that was enough to figure this out.

They cleared their throat as Tommy practically dragged them to the living room. “So uh… how much of this am I- what do I have to say?”

“You have to tell him _everything,”_ Tommy said firmly. “About Xen, about N-Nihilanth, _all_ of it.”

“Yeah, yeah. I got that. But do I… like, the scientists. The experiments and shit. Do I have to- ‘cause that, like, freaked you out, I think. And he already doesn’t… you know, _like_ me. So I don’t wanna make him… freak out more.”

Tommy sighed. “No, I guess you don’t… _have_ to. That can be a conversation for a- a different day, if you want. It’s your story to tell.”

“Cool.” That meant they just had to explain Xen. And Nihilanth. And the military thing.

And they were gonna have to see Gordon’s face when they said it.

They flopped on the couch, setting the jacket in their lap. Tommy went to the kitchen, saying something about making lunch, which… sounded pretty good. Eating, once they got used to it, was a lot more pleasant than they thought it would be. The digestion thing was… odd. But in a good way, they thought.

A lot of human things were pleasant, actually. Sleep was still awful, like temporary death, but eating food was fun. And drinking water? It was so goddamn refreshing. Not as good as soda, of course, but it was nice.

Benrey wondered what other human things they could do now. Eating, drinking, sleeping… there had to be other things, right?

Maybe they could ask Gordon about it.

They _could_ ask Tommy. He wasn’t human, but he was close enough. He’d been living with them for a long time, anyway.

But they _wanted_ to ask Gordon.

Why did they want to do that?

“Hey, Benrey?”

Benrey turned to peek over the back of the couch. “Yeah, Tomster?”

Tommy smiled a bit at the nickname. Benrey wasn’t sure if it was going to stick, but they liked that it made Tommy smile. “Don’t… don’t be n-nervous. Okay? Gordon s-said he’ll be nice if you are.”

“Okay.”

“That means you have to be _nice.”_

“Uh- I’m always nice.”

“Benrey.”

They turned back to sit normal on the couch. “Yeah, yeah. I got it. I’ll be nice. 10/10, nicest guy you ever met.”

“Good.” Tommy joined them on the couch. “You know, Mr. Freeman isn’t… he’s not unreasonable.”

There were a few bullets sitting on the floor of Black Mesa that would beg to differ. The ones that went right through their skull, fired from _his_ gun. “Sure.”

Tommy sighed. “Really, he isn’t. He was… under a lot of stress in Black Mesa. And you, uh- you were mostly responsible for that.”

… yeah, that was fair. “Right.”

“My point is, he- he’ll listen. He’ll listen to what you have to say, just don’t… provoke him. You know?”

“Yeah.” Fuck, this was already hard. If one word answers were difficult now, then how were they going to do this?

A knock at the door jolted them from their thoughts, their heart suddenly racing. Why was it doing that? It was Gordon at the door. This wasn’t a surprise. It shouldn’t have startled them as much as it did.

“That’ll be Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said unnecessarily. “I’ll get the door.” He stood and disappeared from sight. He was going to have Gordon with him when he came back.

Gordon was going to be here. With no movie to use as a distraction. There would be nothing but them and Gordon, and Tommy to mediate.

It shouldn’t bother them. It shouldn’t bother them, but their heart was _not_ slowing down. It was uncomfortable, like it wasn’t sitting in their chest right, hammering against something it wasn’t supposed to.

And then there he was. Gordon Freeman. Somehow, their heart started beating faster. Was Gordon’s heart spazzing out like this? If it was, he was doing a _really_ good job of hiding it.

They stood, their body moving before their brain could catch up, and held out the jacket.

Gordon looked between them and the jacket for a moment. “It’s uh… yours,” Benrey explained.

“I know,” Gordon said as he gingerly took the jacket. “I’m just surprised you’re giving it back.” He set it on the arm of the chair and sat down. “Thanks.”

Benrey was kind of upset that Gordon wasn’t sitting on the couch with them again, but they _were_ thrilled at the ‘thanks’. It was a small thing, but it slowed their heart a little. “You’re welcome.” They sat back down at the couch, as far away as Gordon as they could, letting Tommy take the end closest to the chair. Closest to Gordon.

That was probably for the best. This was serious talk time, and mediators had to be in the middle for those. Plus, Gordon probably wouldn't want to sit next to them anyway.

It was quiet. And awkward. Why was it- oh. “I’m… supposed to say something here.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. Something.”

Benrey glanced at Tommy. “Where do I- uh… start?”

Tommy shrugged. “Wherever you guys want, I guess.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Gordon said. “What the fuck was the whole _passport_ thing about? You literally _would not_ shut up about it.”

That was an easy one. Benrey could start there. “Passport. Right. Uh… it annoyed you.”

“No shit,” Gordon deadpanned.

Benrey bit their lip. “Yeah, like… it was fun, though. At first. I mean, you were laughin’ and all, before shit blew up. So… yeah.”

“Okay, but I wasn’t laughing about it _after_ shit blew up,” Gordon said. “So why?”

“Because… it annoyed you.” Didn’t they already say that? Why was Gordon asking the same question twice?

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I _got_ that part.”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Um, Benrey? Why don’t you tell Mr. Freeman the _reason_ you were annoying him.”

“There was a reason?” Gordon asked.

Ah. That made more sense. “I wanted… I kept telling you to get out. Of Black Mesa. You weren’t uh… doing that. So I tried making you. Like, trying to piss you off enough that you’d… you know. Leave.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment. “That explained absolutely nothing.”

Benrey almost said something mean, _Gordumb Freeman,_ but decided to exhale their frustration instead. They wished they had Sweet Voice back. “Okay, uh- I’ll… explain it better. I guess.” Their left hand moved to tap on their arm, just on top of their right wrist. “The portal. To Xen. That shit was um… fucky wucky.”

They were startled by the short burst of laughter. _“Fucky wucky._ Only _you_ would say something like that.” Gordon fought to make his face straight again. “Motherfucker. That shouldn’t be funny.” He readjusted his glasses. “Anyway, yeah. The portal to Xen was a totally fucked up thing.”

“Yeah.”

“But it was fucked up because of _you.”_

Benrey blinked. “Wha- no?”

 _“Yes.”_ Gordon’s brief moment of laughter was _long_ gone. “You attacked us, Benrey. _You_ did that.”

“Xen was fucked _way_ before I did that.” Benrey said. “And that was, like, a total last resort thing.” They paused. “Uh- actually, more like… a _last_ last resort. The first last resort was uh… military.”

Gordon froze at that. “Military. Right.”

Tommy held up a hand. “O-okay, let’s take this one- one step at a time.” Benrey’s gaze darted back and forth between Gordon and Tommy. Should they not have mentioned the military? But Tommy said they would have to talk about _everything._ “Mr. Freeman? Do you- do you have another question?”

“Yep,” Gordon said coldly. “Why’d you hand me over to the military?”

And now _this_ was happening. This isn’t how they wanted it to go. Which was funny, because they never actually finished that plan, so there wasn’t really a specific way they _did_ want it to go. “I uh… wanted you… away.”

Gordon’s eyes narrowed. “Away from what? _You?”_

“Yeah- I mean, no.” Benrey shook their head. “Yes and no. I needed- I had to um… I mean, I was _gonna_ blow up the… portal.” They focused on a spot on the wall, still tapping their arm nervously. “Couldn’t do that with you around. Coulda gotten hurt, you dumb… human. No respawn, fuckin’ cringe.

“Tried sneakin’ off. A couple of times. Thought maybe you’d uh… lose interest. Just go home,” Benrey continued. They were rambling, and that was _bad,_ but they couldn’t stop. “But then you’d get in trouble. ‘Cause you weren’t, you know, goin’ back. So I stuck around. For a while. Tried to… piss you off, maybe? Make you go back?

“And the military, that was- that was fucked, huh? They really… they weren’t supposed to. Do that.” Wow, the words really weren’t stopping, huh? “I thought- I mean, I just… I needed you away. For a little while. And the military wanted to take you… _somewhere,_ I don’t know. I thought it’d be… better. But it wasn’t- it didn’t- I-”

They felt a hand over theirs. “Benrey,” Tommy said quietly. “Slow down.

Slow down? _Slow down?_ How could they possibly? They felt like their brain was trying to run circles around their skull. ”But I- you told me to… to talk. And I’m- that’s what I’m doing.” Benrey’s hands twisted the hem of their long-sleeved shirt anxiously. “I- I’m doing what you _wanted_ me to do. Am I… did I do it _wrong?_ How- what-”

“Benrey, would you just shut up for a second?” Gordon interjected suddenly.

Their mouth snapped shut almost against their will. Gordon sighed in something like relief as he pushed his glasses up, pinching the bridge of his nose. They knew it. They fucked up. This was a bad idea. Words kept threatening to spill out, but Benrey tapped them back into place.

Gordon put his hand down, his expression completely unreadable. “Say I believe you. Say I believe this… whatever you’re saying about the military. That you were trying to protect me somehow, or just trying to piss me off so that I’d turn around.” He leaned forward a bit, giving Benrey a calculating stare. “What exactly were you trying to protect me _from?”_

Benrey forced their hands to still, sitting awkwardly on their legs. “Uh… I said- I didn’t want you goin’ to the portal. Remember? I said… I said that. I was gonna blow it up.”

“Why?” Gordon asked.

“There’s… bad stuff. Over there.”

 _“You_ were over there,” Gordon said.

Benrey shook their head. “No, it’s… something worse than me.”

“There’s nothing worse than you.”

Huh. Well, that got their heart to stop beating so fast. In fact, they were pretty certain that it had stopped beating entirely. Didn’t that kill humans, too? Were they dying? Could you get killed by just five words? No, they were pretty sure death was actually _easier_ than hearing that.

Tommy’s gaze snapped to glare at Gordon. “Mr. Freeman, that- that _wasn’t_ very nice.”

It wasn’t nice, but Benrey probably deserved that. Part of them wanted to tell Tommy that it was okay, that Gordon had a right to say it, and that they didn’t mind it so much. Logically speaking, from Gordon’s point of view, there probably _wasn’t_ anything worse than Benrey.

But they didn’t feel very logical at the moment. Gordon said he was going to be nice if Benrey was nice. So if Gordon was going to be an ass, then so was Benrey. “Yeah? How’d it feel to uh… shoot me in the face a bunch of times,” they asked flatly. “Make you feel- did you feel big? Huh? Big strong man, shooting your friend in the face? Gordon Meanman.”

Tommy’s attention turned to them just as fast as it had turned to Gordon. “What- _Benrey,_ that w- that wasn’t nice either!”

Gordon opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. His eyes searched Benrey’s face. They weren’t sure what he was looking for, but whatever it was, he found it. “Okay. Tommy’s right. I’m sorry. That’s- that wasn’t very nice.” He leaned back in the chair. “There _are_ things worse than you, I guess. I mean, capitalism exists, so…”

Whoa, okay. Benrey was reeling from the apology, but somewhere in their brain it registered that they should _also_ probably do that. “Yeah, I uh… I’m sorry, too. That was pretty unepic of me. To say that.” They rubbed the back of their neck. “I kinda… you know, deserved a shot to the face. Not fair to be mad about it when uh- I’m the one that pissed you off.”

“Dude, I don’t… I don’t fucking care about that right now,” Gordon said tiredly. “I don’t care about the… who pissed off who. Okay?” He rubbed his eyes. “Just- tell me the _truth._ I have too many mixed feelings for us to be arguing right now.”

 _Mixed_ feelings? That meant there were some good feelings in there too, right? “Sure, uh… I’ll try not to, like, ramble. Again.”

“Thank you.”

Tommy breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god. I thought- I thought I was gonna have to get Sunkist to use Calm Down on you guys.”

Gordon frowned. “Yeah, no thanks.” He faced Benrey again. “Seriously though, I see you in my nightmares, dude. That last fight was easily the scariest thing I have _ever_ been through in my entire fucking life. And you’re telling me that was the _better_ option?”

Benrey nodded. “Uh... yeah. One-hundred percent. It was me or Nihilanth and um… you would _not_ want to fight that guy.”

“Why?” Gordon asked. "Who's Nihilanth."

How to put this in a way Gordon would understand… “Think of uh- it’s me, but like… meaner.”

“Meaner?” Gordon asked.

“Uh-huh,” Benrey said absently. “Nihilanth is… it’s a big- you know what a fetus looks like?”

Gordon made a face. “Yes?”

“It looks like one of those,” Benrey said. “And it controls everything. On Xen. Everything on the planet, or… I guess it controls things _off_ the planet too. If it’s Xen, it can hear Nihilanth. Doesn’t uh- the distance don’t matter. I mean, none of ‘em had a problem hearing it on Earth. Attacking shit.”

“You're saying Xen is… a hivemind,” Gordon said slowly. “And Nihilanth controls it?”

“Yep,” Benrey replied. “Woulda been bad news. For you guys. If it found you. So I had to um- do my job. Security guard job. Escort you out.”

Tommy nodded approvingly. “That was good, Benrey. You took- took it slow. Now.” He gestured to Gordon. “Mr. Freeman? Do you have any questions?”

Gordon blinked rapidly. “Lots of questions, yeah, I’m just… processing.” He let his elbows rest on his legs, leaning on them heavily. “Okay, okay, okay. You knew about this… _thing._ You knew the whole time?”

“Yeah.”

“And you tried… _annoying_ me into turning around?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

Benrey shrugged. “Science Team woulda… they woulda followed you. If you left. They were following _you._ I was tryin’ to get _everyone_ out.”

Gordon looked to Tommy. “You’re Benrey’s friend, right? Did _you_ know about this?”

Tommy shook his head. “No, I didn’t.”

“Fuck,” Gordon muttered. “Okay.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Then you-” Half a laugh escaped him, sounding more stressed than amused. “This sounds fucking ridiculous.” He met Benrey’s gaze. “You handed me over to the military to _keep me away_ from the portal.”

“Yeah.” That was the third time they’d said 'yeah', almost in a row, but they weren’t sure what else to say.

Gordon closed his eyes for a moment. “So then _why_ did you fight us when we went through?”

Benrey bit their lip. “Because… you wouldn’t listen to me?” Gordon’s eyes narrowed. “Which was, like, totally my fault!” They amended quickly. “I was sus as hell, I- I know that, okay? I know.” That seemed to placate him a little, so Benrey continued. “I uh… I didn’t actually _fight_ you. Know what I mean? I wasn’t- I didn’t attack nobody.”

Something flickered in Gordon’s eyes. Recognition, maybe. “Yeah, I… I remember you saying something about… _not_ shooting at you.”

Their chest ached with the memory of the Devil Gun. Ow. “Uh-huh. ‘Cause I wasn’t tryin’ to. Fight you, I mean. Just wanted to scare you.” Benrey started tapping on their arm again. “I uh… wanted to get you through the… fuckin’ portal. And back to Earth. So I could blow it up.”

Gordon’s lips parted in surprise. “You were- wait, from _Xen’s_ side?”

Benrey nodded. “That way the explodey shit didn’t… get you.”

“But you would’ve been stuck there, wouldn’t you?” Gordon asked. “There was only _one_ portal.”

“I didn’t… think that far ahead, actually.” Benrey smiled, it felt awkward and lopsided. “I may be uh- dumb.”

Gordon laughed again, a bit more freely this time. Then it faltered. “Wait a minute, I thought… didn’t we _kill_ you? The Devil Gun-”

“Oh!” Benrey interrupted. “Don’t- you guys got, like, _super_ close. To killing me. Did a real good job with that, don’t worry.” Tommy looked uncomfortable at the statement, but he didn’t say anything. “The gun thing- your gun arm. Devil Gun. That almost got me, bro.”

“Of course.” Gordon dropped his head in his hands. “Of course it didn’t kill you. Oh my god.”

“Yee.” Benrey tugged absently at a strand of hair. This part was easier to talk about. They didn’t have to worry about pissing Gordon off with this part. “My powers aren’t _infinite,_ I got, like… cool down times.” They ignored Gordon’s knowing look. No, they _didn’t_ have their powers at the moment, but they didn’t have to talk about that. “And the fight really took… uh, a _lot_ of energy. Didn’t have time to… power back up.”

Tommy wrung his hands. “Um- if _we_ didn’t… kill you... then what _did?_ Was it- it wasn’t that Nihilanth thing… w-was it?”

Benrey smiled, a reassuring thing, they hoped. Tommy was absolutely assuming the worst, but the actual answer was so much simpler than that. A lot less troublesome. “Nah. It was me.”

Gordon’s head snapped up. “What the _fuck_ did you just say?”

“Uh… _me?_ I did it.” Was there something about that statement? “My powers were fuckin’ _gone,_ bro. I was running on fumes.” They tilted their head thoughtfully. “Could’ve pulled it off. Blowing up the portal? It would’ve been, like, _super_ easy. If I had done it earlier.” They shrugged. “But uh… you know, Healing and shit. Teleporting. Shapeshifting.”

“Holy fucking shit…” Gordon whispered.

Benrey laughed. “What’s- your _face,_ dude.” They waved a hand lazily. “I know you don’t… you don’t have regen or nothin’, so you don’t… like, know about this? But that shit takes _so_ much energy. And I did that a _lot_ in Mesa. Also, the uh- other stuff I said. Shapeshifting, blah blah blah. I was drained.”

“So you didn’t have the energy to bring yourself back?” Gordon asked incredulously. “Did… did you _know_ that would happen?”

“Uh… kinda? I knew I was running _super_ low. Like, empty, actually. I kinda figured dying would be a… a one way trip.”

Tommy stood suddenly. “I have to… I-I’m gonna go- Sunkist.”

Benrey watched him go, surprised at how upset he looked. “Wha- Tommy?” They gave Gordon a confused look. “What’d I say?”

Gordon shook his head. “Dude, don’t… I physically can’t right now.”

“Oh.”

There was a moment of silence. They heard Tommy move to the kitchen, Sunkist’s paws padding not too far behind. Benrey was tempting to turn around and look, but they didn’t think they could bear seeing Tommy upset again.

“Can I ask you something?” Gordon said finally.

“Kinda why you’re here.”

Gordon gave them a withering stare, but continued. “How did you _know_ about Nihilanth? You keep sayin’ all this shit about it, and… you don't _sound_ like you’re lying, but… I don’t know.”

Benrey hesitated. “Um… I might be… from there. Xen.” They glanced away. “That’s uh… whole other story. Dunno if you’re interested, but it’s- yeah.”

Another silence. Entirely too long of a silence. Tommy was still in the kitchen.

“You uh- already knew I was an alien,” Benrey tried. “But I never… told you where. So. I’m telling you now, I guess. I’m from Xen.”

Still no response. _Damnit._ Benrey finally managed to drag their gaze back to Gordon, dreading the expression they’d see.

Gordon stared back at them, eyes wide with so many emotions that Benrey wasn’t sure if they could name them all. They felt pinned by it. The look wasn’t even angry, it was just… disbelief. Shock. Maybe fear, somewhere deep down, if Benrey looked hard enough.

They didn’t like that look.

“You’re _one_ of them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split movie night into three separate chapters, there is no way in hell THE TALK was getting done all in one go. Sorry 'bout it.
> 
> Also, I appreciate y'all, like, so fucking much. Thank you for stickin' around. I'm- bbbbbbbbb. You are all lovely human beings.


	10. It Could've Gone Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, uh... fuckin'. whoops. I guess. Sorry this chapter took so long, guys. Several things came up. All at once. Been a very long couple of weeks.
> 
> Anyway, chapter done! They talkin'. Workin' it out. Kinda. It's a rollercoaster on all fronts. Mr. Gordon 'I Wear My Heart On My Fucking Sleeve' Freeman and Mx. Benrey 'What The Fuck Are Emotions I Don't Want Them' X, it's a great combination.

“You’re _one_ of them?” 

Gordon hadn’t meant the statement to come out as accusing as it did, but what the fuck else was he supposed to say? Benrey was from Xen. _Xen._ A planet full of actual _nightmares._

It was crazy. Gordon didn’t think things could _get_ any crazier when it came to Benrey, but here they were. A very, _very_ human-looking Benrey telling him that they were from a land of misshapen, monstrous aliens.

What were they doing on Earth? How did they _get_ here? How _long_ had they been here? And _why_ were they even here in the first place?

“Yeah,” Benrey replied simply. “Or, like… I _used_ to be? Dunno, that whole thing is- it’s screwy.” Their expression suddenly became alarmed. “Uh- shit, wasn’t s’posed to… talk about that. Today. Different day conversation.”

“What-”

“Tommy said,” Benrey said quickly. “Said I didn’t- I don’t have to. Talk about it today. If I don’t wanna.” They shifted a bit, looking almost worried. “And I kinda… don’t. Want to. Don’t uh- think I should.”

Gordon pulled his thoughts together enough to form a sentence. “Why don’t- why shouldn’t you talk about it? Is it… is it _bad?_ ”

Benrey scowled. “What- no? Thought we just… went through all that shit. I told you about… all the fuckin’- I’m not bad.” They grabbed one of the couch pillows and hugged it to their chest, facing away from Gordon. “I’m _not.”_

As soon as the words left his mouth, Gordon had regretted saying it, but seeing Benrey turn away with hurt in their voice made him feel... weirdly uncomfortable. And that was somehow worse. “I wasn’t- Benrey, I didn’t mean _you,_ I just… I meant, like, whatever _brought_ you here. Was it bad?”

He was met with silence, which was fair, he guessed, but he still had about a thousand questions and almost no answers. Tommy was still in the kitchen (again, _fair),_ leaving Gordon with Benrey and an awful lot of silence.

Silence wasn’t exactly his most favorite thing in the world.

And apparently it wasn’t Benrey’s either.

“Bro, can you- just say somethin’.” Benrey tightened their grip on the pillow. “Just not about… _that._ ‘Cause it made Tommy- he was all weird and upset about it. Top Ten cringe moments, right? And I don’t wanna make _you_ upset. Or mad or… whatever.”

Gordon nodded. “Y-yeah, I guess that… that makes sense.” So whatever brought Benrey to Earth made Tommy upset. Is that what he meant when he said he was worried about Benrey? Or was it something else? “You, uh, any idea what Tommy’s making for lunch?”

Benrey turned to him. “Huh? No. No idea.” They tilted their head thoughtfully. “You know, humans got… you guys are weird, but, like, in a cool kinda way.”

Okay, this was… a topic. An odd one, maybe, but Benrey didn’t look quite as uncomfortable anymore. “Yeah? I mean, you… Xen… people? You guys are pretty weird too.”

“Well, I’m a… human… people. Now. And it’s pretty- it’s fuckin’... weird.” Benrey’s grip loosened on the pillow, letting it fall in their lap. “Gotta do… human things. Bunch of people stuff.” Their brow furrowed. “Actually, uh… kinda wondering ‘bout that.”

“About what?”

Benrey waved a hand vaguely. “Human. Stuff. Like, what do you guys _do?”_

Gordon was admittedly perplexed. Benrey had just said they were from Xen, and now they were… human? How the fuck did that work? Were they human? Could they even _be_ human? How could they be human if they were from Xen? That didn’t make _sense._

Were they lying? Gordon couldn’t put it past them. It’s not like they _hadn’t_ lied before. But why lie about this? What was their game? Or their motive? What if the whole _story_ was a lie? Could they do that? Lie to Tommy? Lie to _him?_ Again? But _why?_

“Yo, you uh… you good?” Benrey asked. “Lookin’... kinda spacey, bro.”

He struggled for a moment to keep his thoughts together. Anxiety would forever be the bane of his existence. _Deep breaths,_ he reminded himself, _think it through._

What did he know about Benrey? Not a lot, really, just that they liked videogames and shooting pigeons for absolutely no reason. They couldn’t hold a conversation well, and they annoyed people on purpose, but…

Benrey was also a _terrible_ liar.

Nobody could figure out what Benrey was up to in Black Mesa, but it was clear that they _were_ up to _something,_ and they were _very_ bad at hiding it. If they couldn’t keep up an act for a couple of weeks… then were they _really_ capable of fabricating like this? Something so _complicated?_ Something they’d need to keep straight for _far_ longer than a few weeks?

Plus, it didn’t exactly _sound_ like Benrey was lying earlier when they were talking about Nihilanth. Their gaze flitted around the room a bit trying to explain their reasons, but it looked more nervous than suspicious. And given the way Gordon just reacted, maybe they had a reason to be nervous.

But Gordon _also_ had a reason to be nervous. Lots of them, actually. That underlying fear that Benrey was always up to something ended up getting the better of him.

Benrey’s brow furrowed, something like concern in their eyes. “Bein’, like, totally for real here… you good? 

“Yeah, I’m… you’re kinda throwing a lot at me.” He pulled his hair over his shoulder to mess with it. “I can’t- how are you… because that doesn’t make sense, I mean… you _can’t_ be.”

Benrey gave him a confused stare. “I can’t be… _what?”_

Gordon sighed. “Okay, don’t take this the wrong way-” Their gaze immediately fell flat, their face blank and expressionless. _Familiar._ “But I’m gonna… go hang out with Tommy in the kitchen.”

“Okay.”

“It’s just- my thoughts are going faster than I can handle at the moment? And I can’t keep-”

“I said ‘okay’,” Benrey repeated. “Deafman. It’s _fine.”_

Gordon paused. “Right.” He stood, taking the jacket Benrey had returned to him. “I’m- I’ll be back with Tommy, okay? We’re still talking about this shit.”

Benrey nodded, not meeting his gaze. “Sure. Whatever you say, Bossman.”

He almost felt bad, but it really _was_ a lot to take in. Between the betrayal-not-betrayal and the… everything else… Gordon felt like his head might fucking explode. Maybe Benrey had the right idea by _not_ telling him what was going on with their Xen origins.

Sunkist walked out of the kitchen just as he was walking in, making her way to the living room. She was probably on her way to help Benrey, maybe sensing that something had gone down in there.

Really, she was _entirely_ too knowing for a dog.

Tommy looked surprised to see him walk into the kitchen. “Oh! Hi, Mr.Freeman.” He frowned a little. “Is- is everything okay? I'm sorry I uh... left so suddenly.”

Gordon held up a hand. “Don’t worry about it, Tommy. I just… I think we hit a bit of a snag.” He gestured to the table. “Mind if I sit?”

“Not at all.” Tommy leaned against the counter, glancing at the timer on the microwave. “Wanna… talk about it? Gotta about five minutes ‘til the- the pizza’s done.”

He laid his jacket on the table, giving his arms a soft place to sit. After a few minutes of struggling to pick a question to ask, he finally settled on, “Is Benrey really from Xen?”

Tommy scowled at the microwave. “I was under the impression they weren’t- they didn’t wanna talk about that today.”

“It sort of came up by accident,” Gordon told him. “I asked them how they knew so much about Nihilanth and the hivemind. And they told me that they were from Xen.” He paused. “Th-they said you were… kind of upset? About that whole thing?”

“There were a couple of different things that upset me, but… yes. I was- I _am_ fairly upset about it.”

Gordon hesitated. “How bad _is_ it? I mean, they’re basically immortal, right? Or, like, pretty fucking close. They’re not-”

“It’s bad, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy cut him off. “But I’m not inclined to give you the information if- if they’re not ready. I’m... I’m not _fond_ of Benrey’s circumstances, no, and I would _like_ to tell you. But it’s not my place.”

“Right, yeah, I get it.” Gordon pulled the jacket closer to him, chin resting on his arms. “Think they’ll wanna talk about it _today,_ by any chance?”

Tommy shrugged. “Maybe. But if they don’t, you- you do have accept _no_ as an answer.”

Gordon hesitated. “But we- I thought I came over to talk this shit out.”

“You did,” Tommy said. “And you are. But are you- would _you_ be comfortable telling Benrey _your_ life story? Today? Right, uh- right now? If they asked you to?”

“No, I guess not,” Gordon conceded. “But still, it’s… it’s confusing. First they say they’re from Xen, and then they say they’re _human_ now, and-” He froze, suddenly remembering that Benrey had asked him _not_ to relay their lack of powers to Tommy. “Oh. _Shit._ I’m sorry, I wasn’t- did you-”

“It’s alright Mr. Freeman, I already- I already know.”

Gordon blinked. “You do? But Benrey- they acted like they didn’t want you to know about that. I only know because I talked to them on movie night.”

A humorless laugh passed through Tommy’s gritted teeth. “Yeah. I know. They didn’t _tell_ me, but I know about it.” His scowl deepened. “They’ve been… acting strange since they, um, got back. Very quiet. And I haven’t seen them use Sweet Voice, not _once.”_

He recalled the several times Benrey used Sweet Voice in Black Mesa. “Is their Sweet Voice really that important?”

Tommy nodded. “Benrey has a- a hard time communicating how they feel. Sweet Voice helped them with that a lot.”

“Well, they can still talk, though, right?” Gordon asked. “It shouldn’t be too hard to-”

“Sure!” Tommy interrupted with fake enthusiasm. “ While we’re at it, let’s just take- take all the inhalers from everyone with asthma! They still have _air,_ right? It should be too hard for them to _breathe.”_

Gordon felt his face heating up. “That’s- Tommy, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know it’s not,” Tommy sighed. “But that’s- that's how you sound. Just… be mindful of that. They’re semi-verbal, Mr. Freeman, a-and they just lost their alternate method of communication. It's difficult.”

When he thought about it that way, it really did make Gordon sound like an ass. And he _was_ kind of being one, even if it was an accident. “I just meant that we can, you know, help them work it out. Their emotions and stuff.”

Tommy was quiet for a moment. “Lot of- lot of _we_ going on there, Mr. Freeman.”

“Well, I mean- you know, I just meant the Science Team in general,” Gordon said quickly. Tommy shot him a sideways glance. “Okay, maybe- I don’t know, man. Everything they said is… it’s a _lot,_ you know?”

“I know.” Tommy pushed himself away from the counter, grabbing the pot holders next to the stove. “And I don’t expect you forgive them or- or even _like_ them right away.”

“Do you?” Gordon asked.

Tommy nodded. “Of c-course I like them, Mr. Freeman. They’re my friend.”

“But do you _forgive_ them?”

The microwave beeped before Tommy could answer, signaling the pizza was ready. He took a moment to take the pan out of the oven and turn off the heat. Then he took off his pot holders and tossed them aside.

Awkward silences were becoming a running theme, apparently. It somehow felt worse with Tommy though. With Benrey, there was a _reason_ for things to be awkward, but he’d _never_ had a problem talking with Tommy before.

“Tommy?”

“I do, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said finally. “I _do_ forgive them, but- but that doesn’t mean that _you_ have to.” He opened a drawer and took out a pizza cutter. “They didn’t… _hurt_ me like they hurt you.” Gordon’s left hand moved to the scar on his right arm. “They betrayed my trust. A lot. But it wasn’t… it felt terrible at the time because… they’re my friend.”

“I can only imagine.”

“But they _meant_ well,” Tommy continued. “And they did their best, in their own way. The only way they knew how. And I can’t… I can’t _condemn_ them for that.”

Gordon watched him methodically cut the pizza into eight pieces, some part of his brain weirdly dissatisfied that there wouldn’t be an even number of pieces for everyone. “Why not? Like you said, they betrayed your trust in a big way.”

Tommy put the pizza cutter down. “What- what do you want me to say, Mr. Freeman?” He asked without turning around. “I forgive them. I already said you don’t- you don't have to forgive them right now, or not _ever_ if you don’t want to. But I do.”

“But what about holding them accountable?” Gordon asked, repeating the advice he’d gotten from Dr. Coomer.

Tommy turned, his gaze almost unnervingly calm. “You hold them accountable for- for your arm, Mr. Freeman. That’s _your_ business. Your, uh- it's your decision.” He pulled open a cabinet door to pull down three plates. “But I think dying is- it’s punishment enough for me.”

And, _oh, wow,_ that last statement made Gordon’s heart twist in a very, _very_ unpleasant kind of way. No particular emotion attached to it, at least, not any he could _identify,_ it just felt… _bad._

He wondered vaguely if this was how Benrey felt. Just overwhelmingly _bad._

Still though, despite the uncomfortable feeling that came with the mention of Benrey dying, Gordon couldn’t find it in himself to forgive them. That was almost definitely because of what happened to his hand, which was entirely justified, and probably a few other things, but-

Boy, Gordon was sure getting tired of that word.

 _But_ if Benrey was willing to put in the effort… then maybe he should be willing to meet them halfway, whatever that entailed. Part of him wanted to argue that he’d done his part by showing up at all. For the _second_ time, no less.

What more should he have to do? It was _Benrey_ that fucked up, not _him._

“How much- how many pieces of, uh, pizza do you want?”

Gordon shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Just two for now.” Tommy handed him a plate with two slices of pizza on it. “Thanks.”

“Let’s go back to the living room,” Tommy said. “We can eat with- with Benrey.” Right. They still had things to discuss. Gordon had far too many questions to let this conversation end now. He followed Tommy, whose expression brightened considerably as he walked in. “H-hey Benrey! Pizza’s done.”

Benrey was quiet. Rounding the corner of the couch, Gordon could see Benrey with their face buried in Sunkist’s side. The dog laid across their lap, small noises rumbling in her throat, and familiar blue orbs bumping gently against the arms wrapped around her.

“Are they-” Gordon started, but Tommy shushed him. He sat down on the couch across from Benrey, setting their pizza on the cushions between them and starting in on his.

Gordon, confused, sat down in the chair and watched Tommy and Benrey curiously. Tommy seemed content to let Benrey stay quiet for the time being. Another round of calming blue from Sunkist floated around them, and Gordon could see the tension in their shoulders lessen a bit.

It was only another about another minute or so of this before Benrey sat up, but it felt like an hour. They took the plate Tommy had set for them, eyeing the two slices of pizza warily.

“It’s pepperoni,” Tommy explained. “I wasn’t- wasn't sure what kind you liked, so I went with a classic.” Benrey nodded, taking a piece and inspecting it like they thought there might be something wrong with it. Then they set it down again without taking a bite.

That was about all the awkward silence Gordon could take “Is- are you good?” He asked nervously. “You’re being, like, _weirdly_ quiet, man.” Tommy scowled at him. “What?” _Semi-verbal, idiot._ “Oh, right. Okay, sorry, got it.”

Benrey glanced away, finally starting in on their pizza. Their eyes widened a bit at the taste, a pleased look crossing their expression.

“Good?” Tommy asked. Benrey nodded, tearing into the pizza like they hadn’t eaten in days, which… maybe they hadn’t, if they were still trying to keep up the ‘I still have my powers’ thing. “I’m glad you like it.” He turned to Gordon again. “Mr. Freeman? Do you have any, um, questions? Regarding today’s conversation?”

 _Today’s_ conversation. Tommy didn’t need to emphasize the word to warn him not to bring up Benrey’s origin again. The implication was there. Today was about Black Mesa unless _Benrey_ said otherwise, frustrating as that was.

“Yeah, let me… think for a second.” Gordon took another bite of pizza and chewed thoughtfully. What _did_ he want to know? Did he have any unanswered questions at this point? Aside from Benrey’s weird connection to both Xen _and_ Earth?

They explained the passport situation. They explained the repeated jabs and insults. They explained the portal, the final fight, and Nihilanth. They even explained the military and their weird disappearance afterwards.

Wait a minute.

“Where’d you go?” Gordon asked.

Benrey’s gaze snapped to him, eyes wide. “What?”

Gordon gestured vaguely. “Like, after everything went down. Where’d you go?”

“I… I was- mm.” The hand that wasn’t holding their plate came up to tap the back of their head. “That- it’s not- can’t explain.”

“Why not?”

Tommy set his own plate on the coffee table and reached over to take Benrey’s. “I think that’s uh- that's a question for another day, Mr. Freeman.” After setting their plate on the table, he took hold of Benrey’s wrist gently. “Can you- please don’t do that, Benrey.”

Sunkist barked, blue spilling into the air. Gordon, bewildered, continued to stare like a moron. He was berating himself internally for not helping, but he couldn’t force his body to move. “I- what’d I say? I thought you said I could ask about what happened.”

“I also told you that it- where Benrey ended up _wasn’t_ a great place to be,” Tommy said, the majority of his attention still on Benrey. “Come on, Benrey, just… hold my hand, okay? Can you do that?” Benrey gave a nod and clung to Tommy’s hand tightly.

“Not a great- Oh!” Gordon quickly amended, “I didn’t mean where did they go after… after they _died._ I was asking where they went after the _military_ attacked me.”

Benrey’s gaze darted between Tommy and Gordon. “Um…”

Tommy seemed to understand better than Gordon did. “Do you want something to write on?”

They hesitated. “Nah, I… I got it.” They cleared their throat. “I did uh… _bad._ Thing. And you got hurt. ‘Cause of military, ‘cause of… me.” The hand not in Tommy’s pet Sunkist anxiously. “So I- couldn’t have ‘em… hurtin’ anyone else. Like that. Did my job, you know, security. Got rid of… safety hazards.”

Gordon nodded slowly. “So you killed them.” That was usually how Benrey solved problems.

“Uh… no?”

 _No?_ “Why is that a question?”

 _“Technically_ no?” Benrey tried again. “I was kinda… hangin’ around. For a while. Just uh- checkin’ up on you guys, you know, once the- the gang was all back together.” They rubbed the back of their neck. “A-and uh… heard you tellin’ Tommy and Coomer and Bubby… ‘bout where the bootboys put you. Decided that wasn’t a great cool.”

He tried and failed to repress a shudder, remembering how he had to drag himself out of the trash compactor, thankfully it was the side that didn’t do the crushing. “The wrong side of the trash compactor.”

Benrey nodded.

“I’m lucky those guys were fucking idiots,” Gordon muttered. “Anyway, what about it?”

“I- fuck those guys, you know?” Benrey shrugged. “So I… put ‘em in the right side. The side that worked. That’s what killed them.”

For a moment, Gordon couldn’t even get any words out, the tidal wave of emotions that hit him nearly making him choke on his pizza. Shock was at the forefront, followed closely by horror, and in the very back of his mind was a sick kind of satisfaction. “You- you put them in the _working side_ of the trash compactor?”

“Yeah.”

_“Why?”_

Their gaze grew distant, like they were looking right through the walls of Tommy’s house. “Why not? Deserved it.” Their unfocused eyes narrowed in anger. “Hurt my friends.”

Tommy nudged them. “Benrey.”

They shook themself out of their furious trance. “Anyway. Knocked ‘em out and shit, so they didn’t feel nothin’. We were… we probably would’ve shot ‘em anyway. Fuckin’ military. But I couldn’t… let them get away with hurtin’ you, know what I mean?

That was a sweet sentiment, in a weird Benrey sort of way. “Yeah, well… you hurt me too,” Gordon said. There was no venom behind it, just a simple observation. He had the constant reminder encircling his right arm, Benrey deserved a constant reminder too.

Tommy gave him a withering look. “Mr. Freeman…”

“I know that?” Benrey said, almost questioning. “That’s, like… I died too, bro, they ain’t special. They hurt my friends, they died. I hurt my friends, I died. It’s Even Stevens.”

Right. How did he keep forgetting that had happened? Maybe willful ignorance on his part. "Yeah, I guess... you _did_ die, huh?"

"Yeah," Benrey said. "So it's fine."

Gordon shook his head. “No, that’s- why would… that is _not_ fine.” And it wasn't. He couldn't place why it wasn't okay, but something told him it wasn't. It wasn't _fine._

“Why not?” Benrey asked.

“Because, it’s… you weren’t- I don’t know,” he said, feeling his frustration build. Not at Benrey necessarily, just at his inability to figure out the onslaught of emotions. “It just- it seems wrong.”

Benrey tilted their head. “How, though?”

“Because _they_ hurt me on _purpose,_ but _you_ didn’t mean to!” Gordon felt the air go still around him, realization settling like a heavy weight on his chest. “Oh… fuck, you didn’t… you didn’t _mean_ to.”

Several things hit him at once. It wasn’t anything Benrey hadn’t already said, but denial was a very powerful thing. Benrey had explicitly explained that they had died to close that portal on Xen, stopping any more aliens getting through, and ensuring that the Science Team would never _ever_ see Nihilanth. 

“Mr. Freeman?”

“I left my jacket in the kitchen,” Gordon stood, almost throwing his plate on the coffee table next to Tommy’s. “Gonna … go get that.” He heard Tommy talking hurriedly to Benrey before following him. He could only assume Sunkist was still sitting with Benrey, but it wasn’t like he was going to go back and check.

He didn’t even grab his jacket like he said he was going to. He just planted his hands on the table to steady himself and stood there, leaning heavily on the wood and trying to focus on breathing.

There was a voice, a quiet voice, and a hand on his shoulder. They both belonged to Tommy, he was sure, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up. He was far too busy reeling from about fifteen earth-shattering realizations at once.

Benrey never meant to hurt any of them. Benrey had never meant to hurt _him._ Benrey had _killed_ the people that hurt him. It was an accident. They didn’t mean it. They were trying to help.

And what did Gordon do?

“Mr. Freeman,” Tommy tried again. “Are you alright?”

Gordon sucked in an unsteady breath. “Is Benrey lying?”

“I… what-”

“Are they _lying?”_ Gordon repeated. “About any of it.” He turned to face Tommy “Are they?”

Tommy was quiet for a moment, rubbing his shoulder in a calming way. “No, Mr. Freeman. They’re telling the truth.”

“How do you know?”

“They’re a bad liar, Mr. Freeman. I th-think if I had asked if- if they were an alien _before_ the Resonance Cascade, I probably could’ve figured it out. I don’t think they could’ve lied to me.” He smiled sheepishly. “But I kind of offered the perfect excuse… I asked if their Sweet Voice was a result of Black Mesa’s hazardous or- or anomalous materials. All they had to do was say yes, and I believed them."

Gordon managed a laugh. “You’re real good at that, you know? Making perfect things. Perfect dog. Perfect shot. Perfect excuse.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, this is- I _know_ they’re a bad liar, and… and I _know_ they’re probably telling the truth, but…”

But this was exactly what he was afraid of. This is what he was talking about with his therapist _less_ than twenty-four hours ago.

How many times did he yell at Benrey in Black Mesa? How many times did he push them away? God, how many _bullets_ did he put in them? He couldn’t even count. He couldn’t count all the times he’d wished Benrey dead, or all the times he’d been relieved they’d died on Xen.

He spent the entire journey hating them, and _they_ spent the entire time protecting the Science Team the best way they knew how.

Benrey was protecting _him._

It was weird to think about. It’d be even weirder to say.

Did it justify anything Benrey did? Of course not. Did it make guilt squirm uncomfortably in Gordon’s stomach? Abso-fucking-lutely.

“You know,” Tommy said suddenly. “I also made perfect pizza that’s- it’s going cold in the living room.” Gordon managed a laugh that sounded more like a wheeze than anything else. “You- are you okay to continue this conversation? We can stop if you want.”

Gordon never wanted this conversation in the first place. But he _needed_ it. Closure or… whatever this was supposed to be. An explanation. That’s what he'd said he wanted. An explanation, and _nothing_ else, because Benrey owed it to him.

Maybe he owed Benrey a little, too.

“Yeah,” Gordon grabbed his jacket off the table, “I’m good.” He held his jacket, considering something he almost _definitely_ wouldn’t have considered the day before. “How do you think Benrey would feel… if I let them ask _me_ some questions now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if y'all would be interested in, like, locating me. Or whatever. But I'm on Tumblr @randomhl-vraifam. Come yell at me or something, if you'd like.
> 
> Anyhow, love you guys. Thanks for being patient with me.


	11. But It Turned Out Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one week? What? I don't know either, guys. I got possessed by a writing demon or something.
> 
> Not a single one of these dumbasses is gonna stay on topic. Between the Autism and the ADHD, no one can keep a single train of thought going for longer than five seconds. Bear with them. They're trying. The topic is a nebulous thing, and they can only vaguely perceive it.

So Gordon had just left for the second time. And _Tommy_ had just left for the second time. The two would probably return together in a couple of minutes, _also_ for the second goddamn time.

Was this how it was supposed to go? Is this what usually happened when people admitted to severely fucking up? Human behavior was a strange thing. This was either a _good_ thing, and _that’s_ why it happened twice, or Benrey had somehow screwed this up twice.

They wished humans were easier to understand. Especially since they _were_ one now or… some kind of terrible imitation of one. That was probably more accurate.

Luckily, the animals on Earth were _far_ easier to understand than the people. Sunkist looked up at him with wide, brown eyes, and Benrey felt like it was far more telling than any words. She was worried. About Tommy, probably, Benrey too, and _undoubtedly_ Gordon. She was anxious, unsure if she was actually helping ease their anxious state.

She was a perfect dog, after all. If she wasn’t able to calm people down when they needed it, then what was she doing? Benrey could relate. Do your job and do it well.

Benrey patted her head reassuringly. “Good pupper,” they told her. “Best doggo in the universe.” Her tail thumped against the couch, the reassurance helping her just as much as it was helping them. It gave them something to do while they turned the conversation over in their head.

They didn’t think they said anything wrong this time. Though they weren’t exactly sure what they said wrong _last_ time either, so maybe they’d said something bad without realizing. Maybe the thing about those military guys? But those jackasses deserved it anyway. Benrey was even _nice_ and knocked them out, which they _definitely_ didn’t deserve.

Giving those bootboys what they deserved was one of very few things Benrey _didn’t_ regret about Black Mesa. If that’s what Gordon was upset about, then Benrey couldn’t exactly say they were sorry about it.

Sorry…

“Aw, fuck,” they whispered. _“That’s_ what I was s’posed to do. Forgot. Fuckin’ idiot.” Sunkist tilted her head at him. Benrey scratched behind her ears. “Not you. Me. I’m the… fuckin’ idiot.” Gordon would probably agree if they asked him.

Speaking of Gordon, he and Tommy were back. And Gordon _did_ actually have his jacket, so that wasn’t _entirely_ an excuse.

All three of them stared at each other for a moment. It wasn’t… _terribly_ awkward, not like it was the first time Gordon and Tommy reappeared from the kitchen. Gordon still looked pretty uncomfortable, though. That was gonna make what came next all the more difficult to say, but Benrey had already decided they were gonna say it anyway.

Gordon wrung the jacket in his hands. “Um-”

“Hey,” Benrey interrupted, cursing themself for how nervous and high pitched their voice sounded. They cleared their throat and tried again. “Hey- I’m… I know this won’t fix it. What I did. I don’t… think that anything will? But I’m… sorry.”

“Benrey-”

“And I’m not just sayin’ words,” Benrey said quickly. “I’m- that was shitty of me. I wish I could’ve… just been honest. And maybe I could’ve, I dunno, but it’s… can’t do nothin’ about it now.” They tapped their arm, avoiding Gordon’s gaze. “And you’re over here ‘cause… I’m s’posed to say sorry. And I haven’t… done that yet. So… I’m sorry.”

Gordon wasn’t going to accept their apology, and that was okay. They could live with that. Die with that. Whatever came first.

“Benrey, I…” Gordon seemed to struggle with his words for a moment. They weren’t sure if they’d ever seen him do that before. If anything, Gordon seemed to have a harder time _stopping_ himself from talking. “Thank you,” he said finally. “You’re right. That doesn’t fix anything.” They slumped against the couch a little. “But it means a lot that you’re trying.” He fiddled with a strand of hair idly. “Seriously, it does.”

Okay, that was good. It wasn’t forgiveness, why would it be? But it was good enough for Benrey. They leaned forward and grabbed their plate off the coffee table where Tommy had put it. The pizza was room temperature now, but it was still pretty fucking good.

Gordon and Tommy seemed to realize their little rambling apology was over, sitting down and taking their plates back. The silence was far more comfortable now that the apology was off their chest.

It was more comfortable for _them,_ anyway. Tommy, on the other hand, kept giving Gordon pointed looks while they ate, like he was expecting Gordon to do something. Benrey wondered what all that was about, but they didn’t dare push their luck and ask.

… well, maybe they dared a _little._

“What’re you guys so quiet for?” Benrey asked. “Cats got your tongues, or..?”

Gordon’s eyes flicked to Tommy before returning to Benrey. “Actually, uh… I was- I’m kinda at a loss. I don’t know where to go from here, but… I feel like there’s still more stuff to talk about?”

Benrey flipped their empty plate around in their hands. “Okay?”

“So, I was thinking… you wanna ask me some stuff?”

They stilled the plate. “Like what?”

Gordon shrugged. “About Black Mesa, if you want, or... you know, whatever.”

Benrey thought for a moment, barely registering that Tommy was taking the plate from their hands and walking it back to the kitchen. They could ask _Gordon_ questions now? That was allowed? That wasn’t in their very loose, not quite thought out, plan.

Tommy returned, smiling reassuringly. “Did you, uh, think of anything?”

“No,” Benrey said. Then a memory tugged at the back of their mind. “Wait- shit, yeah, thought of something.” They looked up at Gordon. “You got- the baby in your locker. That still a baby?”

Gordon’s brow furrowed. “You mean my son? Who you said 'looked a bit shit'?"

Benrey winced. "Uh- yeah. That one. Sorry."

He waved it off. "Whatever. It's fine. And, no, he’s not a baby anymore. He’s three years old.”

“Can’t believe Freeman fucks,” Benrey commented, mostly to themself, but Gordon turned red at the statement. “Gordon Fuckman.”

“Okay!” Gordon waved a hand around like he was trying to swat Benrey from where he sat. “New topic! And don’t _ever_ call me that again, Jesus fucking Christ.”

Tommy muffled a giggle and gestured for Benrey to continue. Benrey wished they _could_ continue, but they were kind of out of questions already. It’s not like they were confused about anything Gordon did. Benrey annoyed Gordon, and Gordon reacted. He shot them.

Gordon _shot_ them.

Hm. “Did you know that hurt me?”

Gordon blinked at them. “Did I know what?”

“Like, when you shot me and all that… other shit that happened,” Benrey said. “Did you know?”

“I-” Gordon shook his head slowly. “No, I didn’t… did it? Hurt, I mean.”

Benrey felt a twinge of annoyance that Gordon hadn’t even considered that they might be hurt by what happened, but they shoved it down. “I mean, sometimes? Told you about… cooldown times. If was chillin’ at, like, eighty percent or so, I’d be… fine. But anything after that was uh...” They made a vague gesture with their hands. “Could start feelin’ shit.”

Tommy looked thoughtful. He and Gordon both did. “Were- are all of your powers affected by these... cooldown times?”

“And what do you consider a ‘cooldown time’?” Gordon added. “You don’t sleep.”

Sometimes they forgot Gordon and Tommy were scientists. “Yo, one thing at a time? Please and thank you?” Tommy and Gordon both physically pulled back, as if just realizing they’d been leaning forward with anticipation. “Damn, thought _I_ was supposed to be askin’ questions.”

“Sorry,” Tommy said. “Uh- did you want to-”

“Nah, just messin’. I didn’t really have uh- I don’t have any questions,” Benrey replied. “S’cool. Anyway… yes. To Tommy. Cooldown affected… all my shit.

Gordon leaned forward again, clearly intrigued. “How so?”

The attention was… not _unfamiliar,_ especially from scientists, but they were used to it being on the more negative end of the spectrum. “Regen sometimes took a while… if I died on low-battery.” Then they remember Gordon and Tommy had actually _witnessed_ their low power regeneration. “Actually, remember- you saw it. Skeleton.”

Gordon’s eyes widened. “So that _was_ you!”

Benrey cackled. “Yo, that was _me!”_ They settled down enough to finish answering Tommy’s question. “But uh- most of the time it was… pretty fast. One, two, three, presto chango, brand new Benrey. Die, come back a couple seconds later like nothin’ happened. Other times it was… had to start from scratch.”

Tommy seemed to ponder that for a moment. “And your healing? Similar results?”

“Yep.” Benrey popped the ‘p’ at the end. No particular reason, just for fun. “It was mostly fine. Got a… bullet hole. Or a cut. Or something. Kind just… zip that shit back up. You know?” They shrugged. “But not on my- not on low power. Heals slower. Faster than you still, but yeah. Slow for me.”

“So what _kills_ you, exactly?” Gordon asked curiously. “Because I thought running out of power was the only thing that could get you.”

Benrey snorted. “Damn, you got… lots of questions. Didn’t even answer your first one.” Gordon looked embarrassed, but they continued. “Maxin’ out my powers causes _permadeath._ But respawn shit was just… anything that could- that destroyed my human… whatever. Heart, head- er, brain, I guess. And anything that did enough damage to… that I couldn’t heal it in time. Like… gettin’ cut in half by a door?”

Tommy looked uncomfortable at that, and Tommy tended to take off when he got uncomfortable, so they decided to answer Gordon’s _first_ question before that happened.

“Cooldown,” they redirected. “It’s not, like, _sleeping,_ exactly. I’m just… resting. Like I have to stop using power for a while so- to do a… recharge. Recharge is a better word. No teleport or nothin’, just chill for a while. Usually got to recharge at night. While you guys were sleepin’.”

“That’s… _fascinating,_ actually,” Gordon said. “You- yeah. That’s amazing.”

Benrey tried not to think about the fact that Gordon had basically just called them _fascinating_ and _amazing._ “Yeah, I’m… a great cool. Tried to tell you. I’m awesomesauce.”

Tommy grinned. “You think- you think _you’re_ fascinated, Mr. Freeman? I’m a _biologist._ Genetics is my specialty.” He flapped his hands excitedly. “This is all- it’s _very_ intriguing to me.”

Huh. Yeah, Tommy _was_ a geneticist, wasn’t he? He made Sunkist, after all, and did a damn good job of it. Benrey remembered Tommy talking about her during their study sessions. They weren’t really ‘study sessions’, it was more Tommy analyzing their Sweet Voice, but calling it a study session made them feel less like an experiment.

He’d actually used the results to give _Sunkist_ Sweet Voice, but Xen and Earth were fucked in the genetics department. Probably how Sunkist ended up so big. And with teleport. Tommy had never quite been able to figure that one out, but he probably understood now that they’d explained the scientists and shit.

Earth plus Xen equals weird-ass powers. Suknist only got a itty bitty bit of Xen in her, though. Benrey figured that would probably explain why she only ended up with the _one_ odd power. But _they_ were about half and half, so…

Well, not anymore.

Their hand paused on Sunkist’s head. Their powers… right. The powers they didn’t have anymore. And hadn’t told Tommy about. Even though Tommy was their friend and kinda deserved to know.

“Hey, um- on the subject of… powers.” Tommy and Gordon both turned to look at them. “I don’t… _have_ them. Anymore.” They rubbed the back of their neck. “Meant to- I meant to say somethin’. But you were always… fuckin’ worried about me and shit. Didn’t wanna make you worry more.”

Gordon glanced between Tommy and Benrey for a moment, looking worried, but Tommy simply nodded. “I figured as much. Do you,uh- do you remember when you noticed?”

Benrey gaped at him, nervousness giving way to shock. “Wha- you _knew?”_

“Don’t insult me, Benrey,” Tommy said, with a nudge that reassured them that he was joking. “You haven’t been- you haven't used Sweet Voice since you… got back.”

Ah. That was probably a pretty good indicator, yeah. Benrey hadn’t thought about that. “Uh… guess it was… when I first woke up? Things were, like, screwy. Couldn’t adjust my hearing or nothin’.”

“You could _do_ that?” Gordon asked incredulously.

Benrey gave him a funny look. “Bro, I could… shapeshift. Teleport. And you’re surprised I got… volume control? In my ears? I can- I could see in the _dark,_ man.”

Gordon paused. “You know what? That’s fair.”

“Yeah,” Benrey said. “Anyways. That’s how my… shit got all fucked.”

“Like your eye?” Tommy asked.

They’d nearly forgotten about their eye, still unnervingly yellow. “Uh-huh. Somethin’ fucked it up… after the big bang.” They gestured vaguely at their hair. “Dunno what’s goin’ on with that, though. More weird shit.”

Gordon ran a hand through his own hair, suddenly very interested in the topic. “Hey, I think… I think I know how that happened.”

Benrey blinked at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He tugged at a lock of his own hair. “I’ve got some premature grays in here. Stress from college and Black Mesa… stress in general.”

Tommy frowned. “But this is different. It’s not strands like yours.”

“Well, it’s not always like mine,” Gordon said. “Sometimes stress causes changes that are a little more… _prominent._ It doesn’t always look like that, but it happens sometimes.” He trailed off a little. “Could be a result of overexerting their powers… they said they were running on empty when they destroyed the portal, right? Overexertion… the trauma… yeah, I’d say silver streak is a pretty reasonable physical response.”

Benrey wrapped an arm around Sunkist. “Uh- trauma? Ain’t got none of that shit. Cringe.”

Gordon frowned. “I’m… _pretty sure_ you do.”

“Yes,” Tommy agreed. “You _definitely_ do.”

“You guys are gangin’ up on me,” Benrey muttered. “Not fair. You guys are… not great cools.”

“Oh no, I’m not a great cool,” Gordon intoned. “I’m so insulted. Really, I’m truly wounded.”

Benrey narrowed their eyes. “You’re… makin’ fun of me?”

Tommy shrugged. “Don’t dish it out if c-if you can’t take it, Benrey.”

“Mleh,” Benrey replied intelligently. “Mleh, mleh, mleh.” The laugh that came from Gordon and Tommy made this whole entire conversation totally worth it. Awkwardness? Who’s that? Never heard of her. All Benrey knew was his good friend Tommy laughing and Gordon… fuck, just Gordon _smiling._ Laughing and sputtering giggly indecipherable nonsense.

They were suddenly very happy to _not_ have their Sweet Voice, because they’d be spitting out all _kinds_ of embarrassing colors right now.

“Fuck,” Gordon wheezed. “What are you? Five?”

Benrey shrugged. “Could be. Still older than your kid.” They paused. “You’re uh… s’posed to be getting him soon, right? That’s- you said on movie night that you were.”

Gordon’s gaze turned thoughtful. “You know… yeah, I am.”

Tommy brightened. “Oh! Do we get to meet him?”

“Duh,” Gordon said teasingly. “Gotta introduce him to all my friends.” He shot Benrey a glance. “And yes, you do also get to meet him.”

Excitement bubbled in their chest. “Yo, for real?” The excitement was immediately crushed by a sudden realization. “Uh- maybe shouldn’t, actually.” They pointed to their face. “Don’t- that don’t look right. Don’t wanna freak out junior.”

“Oh… well, that’s- hm.” Gordon studied them carefully. “I mean, it’s not like the rest of the Science Team is exactly… _normal.”_

“You’re normal,” Benrey pointed out.

“Darnold’s normal,” Tommy added.

Gordon sighed. “You know what I meant.”

Benrey made an unsure noise. “I kinda… _don’t_ actually?”

“Bubby can light himself on fire and Coomer has enough ‘enhancements’ that he has to _actively avoid_ magnets.” Gordon chuckled a bit. “At this point, none of us are normal.”

They huffed. “Well, at least you guys… you all _look_ normal.”

Tommy put a hand on their shoulder. “If- if it helps, I think your eye looks cool.”

It did help a little, but it didn’t change the fact that it wasn’t very human-looking. “Thanks.”

“How about this,” Gordon said. “My therapist said I should really only bring you guys over one at a time, but four of you are kind of… package deals.” He started listing names, counting off on his fingers. “I’ll bring Tommy and Darnold first. Then Bubby and Coomer. And then he can meet you. That way he’s totally familiar with all kinds of weird. Deal?”

It wasn’t… a _bad_ offer, by any means. Honestly, the fact that Gordon would consider letting Benrey in his life again at all was a bit overwhelming. But _this?_ This was…

What was that word again?

“What’s that fuckin’ streamer word?” Benrey muttered.

Gordon looked confused. “What?”

“Fuck- that word you say.” Benrey snapped their fingers. “Pog! That’d be poggers, yes. Meet junior. I would… like to. Do that.”

“Okay,” Gordon said. “Then we can do that.” He hummed absently, looking to Tommy. “Anything else we need to cover?”

Tommy thought for a moment. “Well… we talked about the portal, Xen, the… military. Oh, and Benrey’s powers, too.” He reached over to pet Sunkist. “I can’t, uh, think of anything else, at the moment. Do either of you still have questions?”

Benrey didn’t think they did. This round was technically supposed to be _their_ turn to ask questions, but the conversation kind of derailed. Not that they minded, it wasn’t like they had a whole lot of questions prepared anyway.

… there was _one_ that kept tugging at the back of their mind. “Do you… like, _hate_ me?” They kneaded Sunkist’s fur. “Wouldn’t blame you. Just curious.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment. “No,” he said slowly. “I don’t _hate_ you… but I don’t know that I _like_ you, either. If that makes sense.”

That wasn’t a nice feeling. An icky red kind of feeling. “Oh.”

“Not because of what happened at Black Mesa,” Gordon continued. “Or… okay, maybe a lot of it _is_ that. But it’s also just- I don’t, like, _know_ anything about you.” He made a wide gesture with his hands. “Like, what do you do for fun?”

Benrey thought they’d been pretty clear about this one. “Videogames.”

Gordon chuckled. “Heavenly Sword, yeah? I remember. But I mean _aside_ from that.”

Aside from videogames. Was there anything they liked to do other than play videogames? It was basically their only source of entertainment in Black Mesa, unless you counted people-watching.

But Gordon was looking at them so expectantly, and they felt obligated to answer with… _something,_ at least. “Um… I like- I like… things.” Excellent. 10/10 answer. Fuck.

Tommy gave them a good-natured smile. “That- that’s alright. Videogames are fun.”

Gordon snorted. “Yeah, videogames are fun, but come on. You do anything else?” Benrey still didn’t have an answer. “Man, you really need to get out more.”

Benrey felt something close to shame turn in their stomach. “Fuck you, Gordon,” they muttered. “I didn’t- you don’t think I _wanted_ to go outside?”

It occurred to Benrey as soon as they said it that Gordon didn’t actually _know_ they couldn’t go outside. He would know, maybe, if he could remember. But Gordon _didn’t_ remember. And now Benrey sounded all pissy and weird, and Gordon wasn’t gonna know what he said that made them feel that way. Which was… kind of shitty of them, honestly.

“Uh… sorry,” Benrey amended. “Didn’t mean- wasn’t thinkin’. Sorry.”

Sunkist whimpered, alerting Tommy to Benrey’s emotions. Beautiful, traitorous dog. “Are you- are you okay, Benrey?”

“Fine,” Benrey answered.

Gordon hesitated. “I didn’t know, man, I… you’ve really never been outside?”

“Once.” Benrey glanced away. “It’s one of the… that’s- it’s a _not today_ thing.” Or a _not ever_ thing. They wanted to elaborate, but their voice was already on the verge of breaking. So they just shut up and called that particular conversation done.

“Right,” Gordon said. “Sure. Guess we’re… dropping that, then.” He pulled out his phone to check the time. “Um- I guess… if that’s it? I gotta kid-proof the house still. So…”

Tommy nodded. “If you want to be done, we can be.” He turned to Benrey. “Are you done too?” Benrey nodded, their voice still refusing to cooperate. “Okay. w-we can pick this up another time. Or maybe it- it’ll happen, uh... naturally! Who knows?”

Gordon and Benrey glance at each other. The apprehension was nearly tangible, neither really sure if they wanted this conversation to have a part two, but… they didn’t think it’d be _so_ bad if it did.

Benrey wouldn’t personally mind it. Talking to Gordon made them feel… just _feel._ Even if it was bad feelings sometimes, they supposed it was better than not feeling anything _ever._

All too soon, Gordon is standing, giving Tommy a quick farewell hug. Benrey wanted so badly to ask, and they almost did, maybe they _would_ have, but Sunkist had them trapped firmly on the couch. They focused on some spot on the wall instead.

“Hey,” Gordon’s voice startled them from their thoughts. He was standing in front of them, hand up in a tentative gesture. “I’ll… see you later, yeah?”

And Benrey, like the idiot they were, went for a high-five. They didn’t realize until about halfway through that Gordon had just been _waving,_ but it was too late to take it back. Panicking, they closed their hand into a fist, trying for a fist bump. That was a casual thing, right? A bro thing?

But Gordon had already decided to go through with the high five. His hand collided awkwardly with Benrey’s fist, much to Benrey’s dismay. But it was Gordon reflexively closing his hand around theirs that stained both their faces with red-hot embarrassment.

The two of them stared at their hands for a moment, then Gordon quickly pulled away. “I’m- I gotta go now.”

They nodded, their voice completely evaporated. It wasn't until they were _sure_ Gordon was out of sight that they buried their face into Sunkist’s side, waiting for the tightness in their chest to loosen. It wasn’t an _bad_ tightness, not like panic or fear, but it was hard to breathe around it all the same.

When they finally managed to look up, Tommy was grinning at them. “I th-think that went well.”

Benrey grabbed a pillow and shoved it in Tommy’s face. “Shut up.”

Tommy laughed and shoved the pillow back at them. “Feeling better, I see. Little, um, red in the face, though.”

“Shut _uuuuup,”_ Benrey protested loudly. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Tommy continued laughing while Benrey calmed down a little bit, shushing Sunkist when she started excitedly barking. “Thanks, by the dubs. For… helpin’ me. Talk about shit.”

“You’re welcome,” Tommy replied. “Just… don’t keep anything from me. Like your powers?” Benrey nodded. “I know you… still haven’t told me everything. And that- that’s fine! You can take your time with that part. But you- you gotta tell me when you need help. Okay?”

They flashed Tommy a thumbs up. “For sure, bro. I got it.” He nodded to the kitchen. "There any more of that... fuckin'- the pizza?"

"Two slices!" Tommy said happily. "One for me and- and one for, uh, you!" Sunkist rolled over on Benrey's lap while Tommy went to retrieve the last of the pizza. Benrey patted her furry stomach, marveling at the softness.

Tommy returned with the pizza, and they both ate in contented quiet. They felt a lot better now with Black Mesa off their chest. Or _most_ of Black Mesa, anyway. But they could think about the rest of that some other day that wasn't today.

Today was an okay day. _Good,_ even.

“So…" Tommy drawled. "W-when are you gonna tell Mr. Freeman that you-”

Embarrassment flooded their face again. “Bro. On god. Shut the fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a while to work around Gordon, Tommy, and Benrey's speech patterns. I hope I managed to accurately portray how these three would have a serious conversation (and then a less serious conversation).
> 
> Next chapter is gonna be a pretty fluffy one. We get to meet Joshua! Don't worry, though. I haven't forgotten about the angst. It'll be coming... soon-ish. Two chapters? Three? Who knows? You don't :)
> 
> Thanks again for stickin' around. I care y'all so fucking much *mwah!*


	12. Welcome Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye, got another chapter up! This is a little longer than I expected it to be, and I apologize if it's tedious in places. I just really wanted to write a normal domestic scene before we got into the crazy family domestic scenes.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy some domestic Gordon and Joshua! This man really missed his son.

Whoever came up with the phrase _Terrible Twos_ never actually raised a child. They witnessed a toddler having a meltdown in a store one time and thought, yep, that incredibly loud babbling nonsense is the worst thing that could happen to a parent, ever.

But anyone who _had_ raised a child, or had at least been _around_ children for any extended period of time, knew that it was age _three_ that you really had to brace yourself for. Two year olds babbled nonsense, sure, and they were loud as fuck when they did it, but a three year old?

A three year old could put together mostly coherent sentences. A three year old could talk back. They could _argue_ with you. And they were still loud as fuck.

Despite that, they were just kids, and they had emotions just like everyone. And three year olds could be sweet, if a little temperamental. They were just full of great big emotions that didn’t fit in their tiny bodies. That went for any emotions, really. Anger, excitement, sadness…

Loneliness.

So maybe Gordon shouldn’t have been surprised when Joshua tackled his legs and nearly knocked him over. “Whoa! Hey, Cowboy!”

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” He started jumping up and down, attempting to climb his way up his father.

Gordon laughed and scooped Joshua into his arms. He’d just seen Joshua about a week ago, visiting regularly since Dr. Coomer had _insisted_ he started getting out of the house. But it was different finally having Joshua at his _house,_ rather than at his ex’s.

Not that he had issues with his ex, he just loved having Joshua over. And he hadn’t been able to do that in… months. Felt like forever. Joshua was almost _four_ now. Come September, Joshua would be four, and Gordon had spent the last four months more or less absent.

His ex was in a hurry to get to work, so everyone exchanged a quick hello and goodbye after Joshua was dropped off. Then Gordon carried Joshua all the way into the house and tried to set him down, but was quickly met with two arms thrown around his neck. “Joshua, c’mon, let me put you down.”

“No.”

“Please?” Gordon asked politely. “I gotta make dinner.”

“Nooooo.”

Gordon sighed dramatically, tossing Joshua’s backpack full of toys, clothes, and other assorted things onto the couch. “Oh well. I _was_ gonna put on _Rango,_ but now I can’t.”

Joshua pulled away to frown at Gordon. “Yes, you can.”

“No, I can’t,” Gordon replied, walking to the kitchen to grab the container of cashews he’d bought. It was his son’s favorite food, for some reason. “I can’t turn it on if I’m holding you.”

“Yes, you can!” Joshua pointed to the TV. “It’s right there. See? You can.”

Gordon shrugged. “I can’t turn it on.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t.”

“You can,” Joshua insisted.

“It’s impossible,” Gordon replied, pulling down a bowl to put some cashews in.

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yeah-huh!” He put the cashews back in the cabinet and handed Joshua the bowl. “How about this. I’ll put on _Rango_ and-”

Joshua shoved the bowl in Gordon’s face. “Watch with me.”

Gordon gently pushed the bowl out of his face. “I will,” he promised. “I’ll make dinner, and then I’ll watch _Rango_ with you while we eat. Deal?”

Joshua considered the deal for a moment. “I wanna eat on the couch.”

“You can eat your cashews on the couch,” Gordon told him, walking to the living room. “But we can’t eat spaghetti on the couch.” Joshua pouted, but agreed. Gordon fully expected Joshua to argue with him about it later, and try to convince him to eat spaghetti on the couch.

But he was content, for the moment, sitting on the couch eating cashews. So Gordon went to the kitchen to fix up a small thing of spaghetti.

It was weird, cooking for two now. He’d been cooking for just himself for three months. Or rather _two_ months, since he’d spent the month out of the hospital being… unproductive.

‘Unproductive’ was a nice way to put it, really. He’d been an absolute mess of a human being. If it hadn’t been for the Science Team, he may not have come out of that rut at all, which was scary to think about, because that was a pretty dark place.

He tried not to focus on it too hard anymore, but there were moments when it crept up on him. Moments when his scar hurt, moments he was flooded with memories. Big moments, small moments, sometimes totally random moments.

For the most part, though, he thought he’d handled the trauma pretty okay. As ‘okay’ as someone _can_ handle trauma, anyway. Could have been worse. He could have turned to drugs. That was something Tommy had been worried about, apparently. He thought the morphine from the medkits might make Gordon an addict. And he couldn’t deny that it’d been tempting to try and find a supplier, but he hadn’t used the medkits quite _that_ often. Plus, had Joshua to think about.

Right, Joshua.

He suddenly wanted nothing more than to sit with his son. The noodles would boil by themselves, he just needed to watch the time. The meat and the sauce could simmer for a bit. In the meantime, he could watch Johnny Depp be a cowboy lizard.

That’s… that’s what that movie was about, right? Gordon wasn’t sure. His ex had informed him that it was Joshua’s new favorite movie, but hadn’t provided many details. Apparently, Joshua had taken quite a liking to cowboys lately. Even the _not_ lizard kind.

Leaning against the back of the couch, Gordon stared at the screen to try and decipher what was going on. “You really like this movie, huh?”

“Mm-hm.” He held up the empty bowl. “More cashews?”

Gordon shook his head. “Sorry, bud. Dinner’s almost done. Maybe later tonight, yeah? Bedtime snack.”

He was met with a bright smile. His ex didn’t let Joshua have bedtime snacks, so it was always their little secret. A very poorly kept secret, of course, his ex knew about it, and didn’t particularly care. Gordon didn’t make rules at his ex’s house, and his ex didn’t make rules at Gordon’s house.

Joshua handed Gordon his empty bowl. “The lizard is a fake cowboy.”

“Oh yeah?” Gordon set the bowl on the arm of the couch so he could pick it up when he checked the noodles. “Is he a good fake cowboy?”

“Uh… he’s funny,” Joshua replied, not really answering the question. “He’s a real cowboy later. It’s okay.” He rocked back and forth a bit, lost in thought. “He fights a big snake.”

Gordon nodded like he understood. “Is the snake the bad guy?”

Joshua hummed. “Yeah, but he helps.” He tugged on his ear absently. “He beats the turtle. So that’s okay, too.” Gordon figured that would make more sense the longer he watched. For now though, he was content to let Joshua occasionally give him spoilers and half-baked explanations as to which animals did what and who were the good guys, the bad guys, the not-so-bad guys, and the bad guys that were only bad conditionally.

After about seven minutes or so, Gordon took Joshua’s empty bowl and started back towards the kitchen to check on the noodles. Joshua protested. Loudly. “I have to finish dinner, I’ll be right back.”

“Wait!” Joshua slid off the couch and rushed to follow him. “Wanna help!”

Gordon paused. “You wanna help me make dinner?” Joshua nodded. “Okay. Let me pause this first, though.” The frame he paused it on gave them both a good chuckle. “Alright, alright. Come on, bud. The noodles are gonna overcook.”

He grabbed a chair from the table on his way to the kitchen, setting it next to the stove. Joshua climbed into the chair and quietly observed while Gordon checked the noodles. He pulled one out, giving it a moment to cool before giving it to Joshua.

“What do you think, Joshie? Noodles ready?” Gordon already knew they were, but it didn’t hurt to let Joshua participate. Joshua chewed on the noodle thoughtfully before giving a decisive nod. “Alright! I’ll drain these then.” He handed Joshua the spoon he’d been using to stir the sauce. “Can you stir this while I do that? Just don’t touch the metal.”

“Okay!” Joshua started stirring carefully, brow furrowed in concentration. Gordon smiled and grabbed the colander to drain the spaghetti noodles. It reminded him of old times, not that ‘old times’ were actually all that long ago. But it sure felt that way sometimes.

It was incredible how you could fit an entire lifetime into just a few months. If Gordon didn’t think about it too hard, or look directly at his right arm, he could almost pretend the last four months didn’t happen. Like this was just his regularly scheduled weekend with Joshua.

Joshua smiled when Gordon returned with the small pot of noodles. “Did I do a good job?”

“You sure did, bud.” Gordon set the pot down and reached over to turn the heat off both burners. “Come on, let’s mix this together.”

“Help?”

Gordon shook his head, taking the sauce pan out of Joshua’s reach. “Not with this part, bud, I’ve got it.” He dumped the meat and the sauce into the pot with the noodles. Then he pulled the pot closer to Joshua. “Here. Now you can stir again.”

Joshua diligently mixed the sauce into the noodles. The movement wasn’t exactly coordinated, but he was doing well enough. Gordon grabbed two plates and a set of forks. “Can we eat on the couch?”

“What’d I say earlier?” Gordon reminded him, setting the plates next to the pot and handing Josh his fork. “Trade me?” Joshua gave Gordon the spoon he was stirring with and took the fork. “How much spaghetti do you want?”

“All the sketti.”

Gordon laughed. “You can’t have _all_ the sketti, that’s too much for your tummy, bud.” Joshua pouted, but accepted that, no, he couldn’t eat an entire pot of spaghetti. He got off the chair and started scooting it back towards the table. “Aw, thanks, Joshie. That’s very helpful.”

“You’re welcome!” Joshua chirped. The distant sound of a phone ringing made him turn to the living room. “Phone?”

“Yeah, that’s my phone.” Bad timing, considering he was halfway through making Joshua’s plate. “Just- uh…”

“Can I get it?” Joshua asked.

Well, Joshua sure was being helpful. “Alright, just bring it in here to me, okay?” Joshua nodded and ran to the living room. The phone rang a couple more times before going quiet and Joshua didn’t reappear with the phone. Gordon shrugged, assuming Joshua didn’t get to the phone in time, and finished making plates.

He started walking the plates to the living room, hearing Joshua talk excitedly at… something. The movie, maybe.

Joshua looked up at him when he entered the room. “Daddy! Who’s Tommy?”

“What?” He noticed Joshua with this phone up to his ear. “Joshua, I told you to bring _me_ the phone.” He set the two plates on the small end table next to the couch. “Give that here.” Joshua handed over the phone, not looking particularly guilty about the situation. “Tommy?”

 _“Mr. Freeman!”_ Tommy all but squealed. _“Is- was that your son?”_

Gordon smiled. “Yeah, that was Joshua.”

 _“He’s adorable,”_ a new voice complimented.

“Darnold?”

“Who’s Darno?”

Gordon gave Joshua a vague _‘hang on’_ gesture. “Daddy’s talking, give me a second.” He turned his attention back to the people on the other end of the call. “How’ve you guys been-”

“Who’s Tommy?”

“Joshua, don’t- they’re friends from work,” Gordon explained. “And we’re not supposed to interrupt conversations, okay?” His attention returned to the phone call. “Anyway, why the call, man?”

 _“I just wanted to- to see how you were after… yesterday.”_ Tommy cleared his throat awkwardly. _“But I can call back later, if you- if you’re busy right now.”_

“Oh.” Gordon’s gaze slid to Joshua, who had taken his plate and was sitting on the floor, waiting impatiently for Gordon to sit down and eat with him. “Yeah, I’m- we were just about to eat dinner, actually, but I’ll get ahold of you later.”

_“Of course, Mr. Freeman! Enjoy your movie!”_

Gordon paused. “How did you know we were watching a movie?”

 _“Joshua told us,”_ Darnold replied. _“I hear Rango is very good.”_

He hadn’t watched enough to have an opinion, but he decided to take Darnold’s word for it. “Alright, well, I gotta let you go now. Sketti’s gonna get cold.”

“Sketti!” Joshua exclaimed.

“Yes, Josh, we have sketti,” he said. “Sorry, guys. I’ll talk to you later.”

_“Bye, Mr. Freeman!”_

Gordon shoved his phone into a pocket as soon as Tommy disconnected the call. “Alright, Joshie, let’s get this movie started.” He sat down beside Joshua with his own plate of spaghetti. “But next time, just bring me my phone, okay?”

Joshua twirled his spaghetti absently. “Are Tommy and Darno your friends?”

“It’s Darnold,” Gordon corrected, putting emphasis on the ‘l’ and ‘d’. “And yes. I said they’re friends from work, remember?”

“Hm…” Joshua chewed a forkful of spaghetti thoughtfully, trying to work out his thoughts. “I never met them.”

Fair enough. Joshua stays over for the first time in months, and suddenly Gordon has friends that he’s never heard of? Gordon could understand his curiosity. “Well, they’re… _new_ friends.”

Joshua blinked up at him. “You have _old_ friends?”

And instead of justifying that with an answer, Gordon reached behind him to grab the remote off the arm of the couch. “I bet the cowboy lizard has lots of friends, yeah?” He started the movie and, thankfully, Joshua dropped the ‘friend’ subject.

It wasn’t that Gordon took offense to the question, he was more embarrassed by the answer than anything else. He’d never considered friends a necessity, focused more on surviving his parents’ house. Then surviving college. And _then_ surviving the ungodly hours he worked at Black Mesa.

That wasn’t the idea of friends that he wanted to put in Joshua’s head. Gordon may have grown up friendless, but he didn’t want Joshua to think that was the status quo. 

Busy people could have friends too. He’d walked out of the ruins Black Mesa with four new friends, and they’d been in contact ever since. Sure, they all had their own lives to worry about, but they found ways to stick together anyway. Movie night, regular phone calls, gently bullying each other to go to therapy.

Good wholesome fun for the whole friend group.

“Do you have more friends?”

“Yeah,” Gordon answered. “There’s Tommy and Darnold, and then I have two more friends named Bubby and Dr. Coomer.”

“Can I meet them?”

Gordon nodded. “Sure. I can even ask Tommy when I call him back.” He paused, listening to Rango rant at a bird for a few seconds before adding, “You won’t be able to meet all four of them at once, though. Just Tommy and Darnold for now.”

“Why?”

“They can be a lot to handle.”

“Why?”

Gordon shrugged. “I don’t know, they’re just… a lot.”

“Why?”

 _Deep breaths._ “I don’t have an answer for you, bud. It’s just the way they are.”

“Why?”

He didn’t want to say that the nagging reminded him of Benrey, because that wouldn’t be fair to Joshua. His son wasn’t even _four_ yet. Joshua being curious was _not_ the same thing as Benrey perpetually questioning his every move. It wasn’t the same.

Still… “Joshie, buddy, you’ll get to meet them all eventually, okay? You’re just gonna meet Tommy and Darnold first because they’re the nicest.”

Joshua seemed content with that answer, though Gordon suspected that had a lot to do with the bird chasing Rango around town. To be fair, it _was_ pretty funny. The two sat in comfortable silence while they ate, Joshua being surprisingly careful about not dropping anything on the floor.

Despite the conversation being dropped, Gordon’s mind still wandered. Only half paying attention to what was going on the screen, he found his thoughts going back to Benrey, which… wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be, but still a little unpleasant.

He didn’t have a problem introducing Joshua to Tommy, Darnold, Bubby, and Dr. Coomer, but Benrey... fuck, how _was_ he supposed to explain Benrey? They weren’t his friend, not by a long shot, but it’s not like they were mortal enemies. Gordon _had_ promised Benrey that he could meet Joshua, but now there was a little voice nagging at the back of his mind wondering if that was _really_ a good idea.

It would be a dick move if he took it back, though, so it was a nagging little voice he was ignoring. After Benrey’s nonsense, Gordon had the ability to tune out just about anything.

“I want more sketti.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow. “Do you have nice words?”

Joshua pondered the request. “Can I _please_ have more sketti?”

“Of course, you can.” Thankful for the distraction, Gordon took Joshua’s plate and went to the kitchen.

The distraction was temporary, though. Without Joshua or the movie to keep his mind occupied, the Benrey situation forced its way back into his thoughts. Which was stupid, obviously, because… it was Benrey. They should _not_ get to take over his thoughts this easily.

But they did, which left Gordon to mull over all the ways Benrey meeting Joshua could take a turn for the worse. He returned to the living room, struggling to keep the concern off his face for Joshua’s sake. “Here you go, Joshie.”

“Thank you.”

“Good job remembering your nice words, Cowboy,” Gordon praised. Joshua beamed, rocking back and forth happily as he dug into his second plate of spaghetti. “What happened while I was gone?”

Not much, considering Gordon was only gone for a minute, but he was happy to let Joshua tell him the brief sequence of events.

The rest of the movie was spent finishing their spaghetti and then moving to the couch, which was far more comfortable than sitting on the floor. Joshua had climbed into his lap almost immediately and leaned against him, absently tugging at his ear. It was an old habit, one that Gordon had long since given up trying to break, and the familiarity of it made Gordon ache.

This was real. He was home with his son, and it was _real._

Joshua glanced up at him. “Are you okay?”

Gordon nodded, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “Yeah. I’m okay, bud.” He pulled Joshua into a hug and tried to focus on the movie. “I just really missed you, Cowboy.”

“Missed you too,” Joshua looked up at him. “Are you gonna leave again?”

“Nope,” Gordon carded through Joshua’s brown curls. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good.” Joshua settled again and continued watching the movie. “I don’t like it when you’re gone.”

He laughed a little. “Yeah… I don’t like it when I’m gone, either.” The tears came despite his laughter, but he managed to wipe them away before Joshua noticed. They were happy tears, _overwhelmingly_ happy, but he didn’t want to worry Joshua, just in case.

They watched the movie somewhat quietly for a while, interrupted only by one or both of them laughing, until Joshua insisted on counting every cowboy he saw onscreen. He definitely counted some of them twice, but Gordon didn’t have the heart to correct him.

“Cowboys twenty-one,” Joshua said. “Cowboys twenty-two, cowboys twenty-three.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow at the screen, not bothering to point out this was about the fifth time Joshua had counted Rango, and instead focused on the giant rattlesnake that had appeared on the screen. “Is that the snake? Rattlesnake Jake?” Gordon asked.

Joshua gasped. “Wha-! Cowboy snake! Cowboys twenty-four!

“Cowboys twenty-four,” Gordon echoed. Watching the movie a bit more closely now, he could see that this was… almost kind of unsettling for a children’s movie. He’d sort of assumed the armadillo that got run over by a car would be the end of the disturbing imagery, but then the snake took off with the turtle and… the implications of that were less than pleasant.

The turtle did kind of deserve it though, so Gordon supposed he couldn’t judge too harshly. How could he? He was a war criminal responsible for killing dozens of military bastards.

Maybe he shouldn’t tell Joshua about that. Not until he was older, anyway.

It wasn’t _too_ late when the movie ended, but it was late enough that they probably couldn’t start another one without Joshua falling asleep. Gordon quietly wished he could have gotten Joshua earlier in the day. Then again, he _was_ going to have Joshua for a couple of weeks, so at least there was that.

“Alright,” Gordon carefully pulled Joshua off his lap. “I’ve gotta call my friends back. Why don’t you go ahead and pick out some pajamas?” Joshua nodded, grabbing his backpack and sorting through the clothes and toys to find something suitable to wear.

Gordon turned off the TV and started dialing Tommy’s number. He was almost dreading the conversation, because Tommy said he’d wanted to ask Gordon how he was doing after the talk, but he hoped that scheduling a day to meet Joshua would distract Tommy away from that particular topic.

_“Hi, Mr. Freeman!”_

“Hey Tommy,” Gordon greeted. “You’ll never guess what Joshua asked me earlier.”

_“What?”_

“He asked if he could meet you guys,” Gordon looked over to see Joshua smiling. “Think we could make that happen?”

Tommy practically squealed in excitement. _“Of course! Darnold! Darnold, come here! Mr. Freeman wants to schedule a day to meet, uh- to meet Joshua!”_

While Tommy was busy getting Darnold, Gordon motioned for Joshua to come closer. He pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speaker so that Joshua could hear. “Joshie’s on the line now, if you guys wanna say hi.”

 _“Hey, Joshua!”_ Darnold said. _“Did you like your movie?”_

“Yep! I counted cowboys.”

 _“Oh, really?”_ Tommy asked, _“How many cowboys did you see?”_

Joshua grinned. “Cowboys one-million!”

Gordon snorted. “Joshua, you only counted thirty cowboys.”

“Million!”

“Alright, alright, cowboy one-million,” Gordon conceded. “Anyway, Joshua said he’d really like to meet you guys, if you’ve got a date in mind.”

Tommy hummed. _“I think we’re free on um... Sunday. Does that work?”_

“Works for me,” Gordon confirmed. “What do you think, Joshie? Wanna meet Tommy and Darnold on Sunday?”

“Yeah!” Joshua exclaimed happily. Then he paused. “When’s Sunday?”

Gordon ruffled his hair. “Two sleeps, bud.” He glanced at the pile of clothes Joshua had strewn across the floor. He was probably gonna have to go through that at some point,but for now, “Why don’t you put your clothes back in your backpack, huh? Leave your pajamas on the couch.”

Joshua nodded and set to work picking up the mess. Gordon was sure the clothes had been folded nicely when he had arrived, but they certainly weren’t anymore.

While Joshua was busy with his task, Gordon took the phone off speaker. “Anyway, you guys wanna just come over here on Sunday?”

 _“Sure!”_ Tommy said cheerfully. _“We can meet Joshua and if- if we decide to do something later, then we can.”_

Gordon nodded absently. “Sounds like a plan.”

 _“Now about the real reason I called…”_ Gordon sighed. He should’ve known Tommy wouldn’t forget. _“You’re… are you doing okay? I know yesterday was… a lot.”_

“I’m good,” Gordon answered honestly, “I mean, maybe questioning a few things still, but… all things considered, I think I’m alright.” He hesitated for a moment. “How’s uh… how’s Benrey doing?”

Darnold hummed. _“They’ve only come out of their room a couple of times, but that’s not so unusual.”_

 _“I think they’re relieved that you, uh- that you listened to them,”_ Tommy added. _“But I think they also know that you um… have more questions.”_

“And I do,” Gordon said, giving Joshua thumbs up when he got all the clothes put away. “But it’s like you said, Benrey will tell me all that in their own time.” Joshua hands him his pajamas, already trying to pull his shirt off. “It’s their decision to tell me, and it’s not my decision when it happens.” Gordon held the phone with his shoulder and started helping Joshua change into his pajamas. “It’ll happen when it happens.”

Tommy sighed in relief. _“I- I’m glad you’re being so understanding, Mr. Freeman.”_

Gordon made a noise of disagreement. “Not understanding. Just patient. I still don’t trust Benrey as far as I could throw a truck.” He let Joshua handle tugging on a pair of pajama pants, running a hand through his hair. “I know they’re trying, and I know _you_ trust them, but I don’t have enough answers about-” He almost said _Xen,_ before remembering Joshua was still in the room. “... their origins. It all still sounds suspicious as hell.”

 _“At the very least,”_ Darnold said, _“we’re glad that you two are playing nice. We know it’s difficult for both of you, but it’s good to see you trying.”_

“Yeah, I guess.” Gordon helped Joshua straighten his shirt, nodding approvingly at the _Toy Story_ print. “Just as long as they’re not doing some stupid sh- stuff. If they’re not doing anything stupid, then I’ll tolerate them. That’s about where I stand right now.”

 _“That’s fair,”_ Tommy said. _“Well, that’s all I really wanted to- to ask about. So um… if you’re really doing okay, then I guess I’ll let you go.”_

“Thanks for checking in, Tommy,” Gordon said appreciatively. “I’ll see you guys on Sunday.”

_“Bye, Mr. Freeman.”_

_“See you Sunday, Gordon.”_

After hanging up, Gordon set his phone beside him on the couch and his attention returned to Joshua. “Alright, buddy, what do you want to do now?”

Joshua threw his hands in the air. “Cashews!”

Gordon smiled at his enthusiasm. “Yeah, cashews!” He stood and moved Joshua’s day clothes next to his backpack, resolving to deal with them later. “Let’s get you some cashews, and then I’ll put on that baking show we like, yeah?” They didn’t have time for another movie, but they could probably get through an episode or so of _The Great British Baking Show._

“Yeah!” Joshua clapped his hands excitedly. “Cashews! Britter Baking!”

He fought back a laugh. “Absolutely, Cowboy. Cashews and Britter Baking.” God, he’d missed this. All of this. Having another person in the house, having _his son_ back in the house, after so long worrying he’d never get this again. The place just didn’t feel the same without Joshua running around.

It finally felt like home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter wasn't up to par, I just. wanted some wholesome moments. Don't worry, we'll be back to our regularly scheduled madness in the next chapter!


	13. A Familar Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just uh... little warning here. Nightmare. Dissociation. Both are going to happen in this chapter, and it's going to be most of this chapter. If either of these things are uncomfortable for you to read, then please proceed with caution.
> 
> That said, I have been waiting so long to write this nightmare scene, it's not even funny. The dissociation is loosely based on what my own episodes of dissociation feel like, because projection, bitch, I'm doing it constantly. And I also want this to feel as genuine as possible, so I'm going with a primary source.

Dreams were weird. Benrey was pretty experienced in all things weird, and dreams definitely ranked high on the list. According to their sources (Tommy), dreams could be anything from a clear memory to completely incoherent bullshit, and Benrey’s seem to ride a pretty fine line.

Like, for example, standing in front of a house they hadn’t seen in almost two decades.

Benrey had never seen the inside of the house, apart from a fleeting glance through an open door, so curiosity alone drove them forward. They didn’t trust it, but they couldn’t stop themself either. That was one of the more frustrating things about dreams. Benrey couldn’t control anything here, no matter how hard they tried.

So they pushed open the door, _knowing_ it was a bad idea, and stared down an empty hallway. A very _familiar_ hallway. They wanted to back out, run away, do _something,_ but all they did was step inside. The door closed behind them, sounding much heavier than it did when it opened. When Benrey turned to look at it, it was unmistakably metal and _not_ the wood it had been two seconds before.

They turned back to the hallway, looming and dark and so familiar that it hurt to look at. If Benrey had any say in what happened in this place, they’d have noclipped right back out of this hellhole. They didn’t want to spend another _second_ here, but they didn’t get to choose.

Benrey was stuck in Black Mesa. And there was nothing they could do about it.

And they walked, like they had somewhere to be. There were noises in the distance and blood on the walls, and Benrey wanted to cover their ears and close their eyes, but their hands stayed stubbornly at their sides and their eyes stayed open. They weren’t even sure what they were walking towards. Nothing good, they could assume.

Then they saw it. The chamber. The machine that started it all. The anti-mass spectrometer. Benrey knew what it was called, but they weren’t sure what it did. As far as they knew, the only thing it did _properly_ was tear holes in space and open portals to alien planets, which is exactly what it did next.

They felt themself get thrown across the room at dizzying speeds, but hardly registered wall they crashed into. Standing on unsteady legs and looking down, they could see they were back in their old security guard uniform. When had they put this back on?

Looking back up, they could no longer see the anti-mass spectrometer, and were instead met with the Science Team shouting about… something… what was happening?

A sudden weight on their back made them stumble, then pinned them in place before they could get anywhere. _The door,_ they realized. _It’s the fucking door._

Realistically, Benrey shouldn’t have been afraid. They knew what was going to happen when this door came down, and they _knew_ they were going to come back. And aside from the very… _uncomfortable_ feeling that came with being cut in half, they didn’t _really_ feel all that much pain.

But, of course, the more their body tried to heal itself, the less power they had, and less power meant less pain buffer. And that wasn’t fun. Wasn’t fun at the time, and it certainly wasn’t fun now. They heard Gordon shouting about something, _someone,_ there was someone that needed help.

That was about all Benrey heard before their stupid human form lost too much blood to sustain itself and gave out, plunging them into darkness.

Another familiar place… not the worst place, they decided, but it wasn’t the _best_ place either. They wandered here, in the void, because they had nothing else to do, and found something they’d never seen here before.

A person.

A kid, actually.

Benrey knew this kid.

The kid sat on the floor, or whatever constituted as _floor_ in this place, and was facing away from Benrey. They moved closer to sit down next to him. “Did it hurt this time?”

“A bit, towards the… end, there.” Benrey glanced down, noticing the candle sitting in front of the kid. “That me?”

“Mm-hm.” The kid tucked his unruly brown hair behind his ear. “Better be careful. You know how this ends.”

Benrey frowned. “How do you-” But the kid was gone, and in his place stood a group of camouflage-clad idiots. Every single blurred face brandished a gun, and that made Benrey smile. These fucking idiots had no idea who they were dealing with.

Of course, the Benrey _outside_ this Benrey was horrified to be confronted by the military again. They were both the same Benrey, split into two different thought processes, and they were _wildly_ conflicting. One the one hand, this was a dream Benrey didn’t want to be a part of, and on the other, this was a dream and Benrey had no choice but to participate.

They got shot, of course, it’s what the military _did._ But they still had a good bit of power, considering they’d only died once, and hardly felt any of the bullets. They healed up easily enough, bullets clinking against the cold floors. The bootboys, however, didn’t fare quite as well. Dream Benrey was pleased to have disposed the fucking nuisances, Not Dream Benrey still wanted to run.

Fun fact about the human brain: it’s the most complicated organ humans have. So complicated, in fact, that Benrey didn’t know how to zip it back up when it got damaged. They weren’t sure what hit them. It wasn’t a grenade, they didn’t think, maybe a small barrage of bullets. Either way, it was enough. The brain controlled everything in a human body. Benrey could fix it, but it was gonna take dying first.

Back to the darkness and flickering candlelight. The kid was staring at them now, the candle melted slightly. “How much longer are you going to do this?”

“What-” But they’re pulled back just as quickly as they were thrown in, not taking nearly as much time as it did the first time around. “Hey, wait a minute!” They can’t tell if it’s really them shouting, or just another figment of their dream. Either way, they wanted to know what the fuck that kid is doing in their dream.

They didn’t have time to think about it though, because they were outside, and there were grenades. Explosions left and right, and they couldn’t see any of their friends through the smoke and dust.

Something powerful suddenly threw them forward, the sound reaching them just before the impact and ringing in their ears. An explosion, a grenade that had landed entirely too close. Benrey hissed at the searing pain in their back, struggling to heal the burns.

Not fast enough, unfortunately. Too slow. That one was going to leave marks. Wouldn’t kill them, thankfully, but it hurt like a bitch. Were dreams supposed to hurt this bad?

Benrey stood, looked around, and went back to running. At this point, they weren’t sure if they could find their friends. This fucked up dream might not even let them.

As if on cue, the ground fell out from under them, dropping them unceremoniously onto the floor. _Floor._ Back in Black Mesa again. It was dark, but not so dark that Benrey couldn’t make out a few of their surroundings. They were vaguely aware of people sleeping around them. The Science Team? Gordon?

They were about to call out to one of their friends, but a familiar voice shushed them. “Don’t wake them up.” Benrey whirled around, caught in the gaze of bright green eyes and a crooked smile. “They need to rest.” He held up the candle, looking a little less melted, but only by a small margin. “And so do you.”

The candle. That was supposed to represent their powers right? The more they use, the smaller the candle gets, and when they recharge, the candle gets bigger again. It made sense, kind of, except… could you put the wax that melted off of a candle _back?_

“How did- how do you unmelt the candle?” It felt like a ridiculous question to ask, given their situation, but they were freaking out too much to care.

The kid tilted his head. “How do you unmake a monster?”

“Wha… you- I’m _not_ a monster!” Benrey insisted. _This isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real,_ they struggled to hold onto that thought, but it was slipping away from them just as fast as they could think it.

“I wish I could kill _you!”_

Benrey’s head snapped up. That wasn’t a kid. “Gordon-” They were interrupted by a flurry of bullets in their face. “God, fuckin’-” The holes in their face sealed up on reflex. “Gordon, what the f- fuck…” But Gordon was gone again by the time they’d managed to look back up.

Right. Gordon had a gun. Gordon had a gun, and he hated them, but they weren’t done with their mission yet. They started running, noclipping through the nearest wall and darting down the next hallway. Where was the goddamn Lambda Lab?

They skid to a halt, hearing shouting from Gordon and the team. “Guys?!” _Fuck._ That’s right. They weren’t supposed to leave the Science Team alone. Most of those guys were humans, and got hurt _way_ too easy. Benrey cursed and teleported to where they thought they heard the voices coming from, only to be confronted by another squad of military soldiers. _“Move!”_

None of them listened and Benrey didn’t have time to waste. It took a few more bullets, nowhere important, but they were starting to sting. Occasionally, he saw the kid in the corner of their eye, the candle in his hands melting a little more every time Benrey saw it. They teleported away every time they saw the mess of curls, wondering vaguely if this was how Gordon felt about their skeleton.

Time warped as they tore through the walls of Black Mesa, and they were suddenly blinded by bright sunlight. Benrey skid to a halt to avoid falling off the edge of a jagged cliff, taking a moment to catch their breath. None of this had actually happened so fast, obviously, they were clearly speedrunning some shit.

Benrey turned just in time to see Gordon glaring down at them. Again. They suddenly remembered what happened on the cliffs. “Wait-” But Gordon moved before they could get the sentence out, shoving them over the side.

The anticipation was the worst thing. It always was. The first time around, they’d managed to throw out one last insult before hurtling towards the ground, it was dumb name, like _Gordon Feetman_ or something. But they weren’t exactly in a teasing mood this time.

There was just a split second of pain before Benrey was back in the void. “This isn’t real!” Benrey shouted at nothing. They weren’t sure when they’d been put in control of what they were doing, but they were somehow able to speak freely, run where they wanted to, even if there wasn’t anywhere to go.

Maybe they’d been in control the whole time. Maybe this was _real_ the whole time.

 _No, don’t._ Benrey shook their head and stopped running. _Think. Focus. It’s a dream. You’re asleep._

Benrey slammed a fist against the back of their head, forcing their thoughts to slow to a halt. “Wake up!”

“You know you’re not gonna make it.” Benrey didn’t even have to turn to know who was standing behind them. The kid was there, they knew, and he was holding a candle that was burning far, _far_ too low to pull off what they needed to do. “And they won’t even care.”

“Shut up,” Benrey managed. “They _do_ care. I just… I messed up.”

“And you think I’ll forgive you for that?” The kid asked. Benrey hesitated before turning to answer.

But when they turned, the void was gone. They were standing on a small floating island, surrounded by a hundred other islands just like it, but they couldn’t focus on anything except on the person in front of them.

The kid, with his all too familiar brown curls and bright green eyes. The stupid freckles you couldn’t see unless you looked close enough, but Benrey knew they were there. His skin was tanned by a sun Benrey had only felt the warmth of once, and they swore they’d never seen anything as beautiful since.

“Fuck, bro,” Benrey said tiredly, “I really wish you remembered me.”

A child blinked up at them, then it was Gordon again, pointing a gun at their chest. “I really wish you’d stay dead.”

Benrey’s eyes snapped open just as the gun fired. They sat up and looked around. Where were they? It was dark, but not dark enough to be the void. Couldn’t be Black Mesa. A room. Their room? Did they have a room? They frantically checked their chest just to make sure there was no blood, no gaping wound from the gun.

Nothing. Just the scar.

They swallowed hard, and took another look around. This room… this was Tommy’s house. Not Black Mesa. This was a safe place, and they were fine, and everything was just a dream.

Okay.

There was a faint noise from somewhere in the house. _Tommy._ Benrey got up and left the room cautiously. Now that they were somewhat in the open, they could hear Tommy and Darnold talking. They couldn’t decipher any words through their not-quite-awake brain, but just knowing the two were around was comforting enough.

“Do you, uh, think we should bring some soda?” Tommy asked. “I know we- we’re only going for a visit, but it seems wrong to show up with nothing.”

“I’m sure Gordon won’t mind,” Darnold replied. “But we should probably bring something _without_ caffeine for the little guy.”

Benrey was confused for a moment before their thoughts caught up to their tired brain. Tommy and Darnold were going to go see Freeman’s kid. They were going to get to do that too, one of these days. The thought was enough to push aside the remnants of the weird dream out of their head.

Tommy spotted them hovering in the hallway. “Oh! Good morning, Benrey!”

They waved, trying to appear more awake than they were. “Yo. Headed to Freeman’s?”

“Yep!” Tommy said cheerfully. “I was just about to- to come get and let you know we were leaving.” He picked up a case of Sunkist-brand strawberry soda. “Do you mind if- is it alright if we take Sunkist with us? I can, uh- I can leave her here to keep you company, if you want.”

“What? Nah, man, that’s… she’s _your_ dog, bro. You don’t gotta do that. ‘Sides, bet Gordon Jr. would uh- he’d love her.”

Darnold laughed. “Everyone loves Sunkist. She’s the perfect dog.”

“You’re damn right she is!” Tommy gave Darnold a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll put this in the car. Do you mind finding Sunkist’s harness?”

“Sure thing.” Tommy disappeared outside to put the soda in the car. Then Darnold turned to Benrey. “You sure you’ll be alright by yourself?”

No. “Uh- for sure. S’just a day, I’ll be fine.” They shrugged. “Used to wander Mesa… like, all the time. By myself.”

Darnold studied them carefully. “Well, if you’re sure.”

They _weren’t_ sure, but they grinned like they were. “I’ll be _fine,_ Darnie-boy. GTA playin’ ass.”

That got a laugh out of Darnold. “Alright, alright.” Then he whistled for Sunkist and started looking for her harness.

Benrey let the easy smile fall from their face as soon as Darnold was out of sight, standing in the middle of the living room. They’d be fine, right? It was just for a day. This was nothing. It wasn’t like they’d _never_ been alone before. They’d been alone before. For, like, a _super_ long time, actually.

Tommy returned, still smiling brightly. “Okay! before we, uh- before we go, do you know h-how to use a microwave?”

“Yeah, I can- I know how to use one.” Their experience was limited to seeing fellow security guards use one in the break room.

“Great,” Tommy said. “There’s a f-few pieces of pizza in the refrigerator. You can heat those up whenever you get hungry, okay?”

They nodded. “Okay.”

“You do, um- you _have_ to eat though. No forgetting. You're human now, remember?”

Benrey waved Tommy off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Go- go have fun with Freeman and his… lil mini Freeman. I’m all good.”

“I’ve got Sunkist.” Benrey turned to see Darnold returning with the dog in her harness. “Are we ready to go?”

“I think so.” Tommy and Darnold waved as they left the house. “We’ll be back this evening,” Tommy promised.

“Later.”

“Try not to burn down the house,” Darnold added.

“No promises.”

The door closed. They were alone. The car outside started and drove away. They didn’t see it drive away, but they heard it get quieter and quieter until they couldn’t hear it anymore. The house was awfully quiet without Tommy and Darnold around.

Okay.

They went to the kitchen to get some water, since that was a thing that had to do now, for survival purposes. Also, water was great. Tasted like… not _nothing,_ but Benrey didn’t have a good enough frame of reference to describe it. They didn’t like it, exactly, but they didn’t _not_ like it either.

Water was great. And they could drink it all the time. _Required_ to, actually, now that they were human. Well, human-adjacent. Could they really be considered human? They were alien first, the human was just… added on later.

Did that count? Does being stripped of anything alien make someone a human being? Maybe it didn’t.

But then what did that make Benrey?

This _body_ was human, but were they on the inside? Not Xen, they didn’t think, it didn’t feel the same. On Xen it was easy, here it was hard. On Xen they were _nothing,_ and mindlessly violent. But that didn’t sound appealing anymore, which meant they _had_ to be something different now, right?

Benrey set the cup down and walked back to the living room. They stood for a moment, fists clenching and unclenching at their sides. Maybe they didn’t know what they were anymore, but they were _something._ Something was better than nothing.

Unless they _were_ nothing. What if that’s all they were now? Just an empty shell that only _resembled_ a human. Did they resemble a human? They were sure they did.

There was a mirror in the… room. The name of the small room escaped them, but there was a mirror in there, and they could use it. They could check.

Their legs felt heavy as they walked, quickly flicking on the light and looking into the mirror, hands resting on the sink to steady themself. Someone stared back at them. Someone human. Someone that _looked_ human. They knew this person.

This was a person. A real person. “That’s me,” they reminded themself. “I’m you.” Their reflection stared back with two different colored eyes. That was funny, huh? Less than one percent of the human population had gray eyes, they knew that. How did they know that?

Did humans have yellow eyes? Not like that one, they didn’t think. Not like the one in the mirror.

“You’re pretty fuckin’ weird,” they muttered under their breath, poking at the reflection. “The fuck are you?”

They didn’t know.

With a frown, they started poking at their own yellow eye. Which also wasn’t supposed to be yellow, they were pretty sure. “Hm. You’re not s’posed be here… looks wrong.”

It did. It looked wrong. _Felt_ wrong. They hated it, so they stopped looking. Walked away from the mirror, and into a room they only vaguely knew. Had they been in here before? They felt like they had. It was familiar, somehow, but wrong. Something still felt _wrong._

What was wrong? They glanced around, trying to figure out what felt so off. Everything in this room looked fine. The couch, the chair, the other… _littler_ couch. There was a name for that, wasn’t there? Didn’t little couches have a name? They couldn’t remember.

They left the room with the little couch. Everything felt heavier now. The _air_ felt heavy. They felt heavy and yet… very… _floaty._ It was hard to walk. Hard to do anything. Hard to think.

There was a room. They found it on autopilot, like their body remembered something their mind didn’t. That was weird. They didn’t care. Didn’t have the willpower to care. It took so much concentration just to open the door and walk into the room.

This was… not a familiar room. Everything had kind of stopped being familiar. It was all blurry. Could things be blurry inside your brain? That didn’t sound like a human thing. Were they human? They didn’t think so. They didn’t remember. They didn’t think they could be anything else.

Unless they were nothing.

Something caught their eye at the far end of the room. Nothing had done that yet, so they walked towards it. The helmet. They walked towards the helmet and…

It belonged to somebody. It had to, didn’t it? Somebody in this house?

They picked it up off the dresser and looked it over. Memories that weren’t theirs flashed through their mind briefly. Or maybe the memories _were_ theirs, but they didn’t know how to be sure.

Glancing up, there was a stranger in front of them. A stranger with the oddest eyes they’d ever seen. They held out the helmet. “Yours?”

The stranger didn’t answer. They stood there waiting for a few minutes before they remembered. They’d encountered this stranger before.

“Oh.” They put the helmet back on the dresser. “That’s me.” They backed away from the stranger. The mirror. The stranger in the mirror. “I’m you.”

Everything was so distant… why was their brain so slow? Was it supposed to be? Had it always been that way?

They didn’t know.

It felt like there was a whole world of things they didn’t know sitting on their shoulders. They didn’t know what to do with that world. The knowledge escaped them, leaving something heavy and inescapable behind. And they didn’t have the energy to go chasing answers to questions they didn’t know they were asking.

The world only grew heavier around them, until it was too much effort to even stand. It occurred to them that didn’t even _have_ to stand, not if they really didn’t want to, so they laid down. Some fuzzy thought tugged at the back of their brain, a name or something. A thing they were supposed to know.

But they didn’t know. The only thing they _did_ know was that they were _here._ They didn’t know where _here_ was. They were alone. They were a stranger. They were tired. They were awake. They were sad. They didn’t care. They didn’t… _anything._ They were nothing.

Their eyes slipped closed. This felt better. There was nothing unfamiliar in the darkness. Nothing to confuse them. No strangers, no helmets, no mismatched eyes in the mirror. And all at once, the fuzzy thought at the back of their brain forced its way into becoming a coherent thought. A name. A name they _knew._

“I’m Benrey,” they whispered at the familiar darkness.

The darkness didn’t say anything back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't y'all love an ending that solves absolutely no problems but is too obscure to be called a cliffhanger? :) Also, if you think this is the only nightmare I have planned, you got another thing coming. You know how much trauma Gordon and Benrey have? Too much. You know how much angst potential that has? Also too much. You know how much of that trauma I'm going to weaponize as angst? All of it.
> 
> Anyhow! I hope you folks enjoyed this chapter! The next one will be another fluffy bit with Gordon and Joshua, this time with Tommy and Darnold! Woo! :) I promise we'll get back to Gordon and Benrey bonding eventually. It'll happen, it will, but they both have a lot to work through, and I'm having entirely too much fun exploring their trauma. Slow burn, man. It really do be like that.


	14. It's Just a Normal Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what it says in the chapter title. Tommy and Darnold are going to come over, and it's going to be a Perfectly Normal Day. Don't worry, it's fine :)
> 
> Yes, I'm posting this at five in the morning. No, you're not allowed to say anything about it. Mayhaps I slept, mayhaps I didn't. Who's to say?

Gordon knew he shouldn't have been anxious to have Tommy and Darnold over. These were his friends and they weren’t gonna care if his house wasn’t in _one-hundred_ percent perfect condition. He was a human being, with another smaller human being. Messes were bound to happen. It’s not like his house was _totally_ trashed.

That didn’t stop him from anxiously wiping down the table for the third time. Tommy had been over a couple of times, but he’d never really come _into_ the house. He mostly just came to collect Gordon, take him to the store or the park. Trying to get Gordon _out_ of the house. Tommy had seen him at his worst. But sure, whatever, his house having a few toys scattered across the floor was _definitely_ going to make Tommy think lesser of him.

“Are Tommy and Darno here yet?” Joshua asked.

“I don’t know,” Gordon said. “Is Tommy’s truck here?”

Joshua got up on the couch to look out the window, pulling the curtain aside to get a clearer view. “No.”

“Well, there you go.” Joshua continued to stare out the window. “Bud, they’ll be here soon, you don’t have to do that.”

“I’m being a lookout!”

Gordon laughed. “Alright, then. You keep watch, Mr. Lookout.” Joshua nodded solemnly, stoically staring out the window for Tommy and Darnold’s truck, despite the fact that he had no idea what their truck looked like.

Although, Gordon supposed if _any_ truck pulled into the driveway, that’d be a pretty good indicator. It’s not like they were expecting any _other_ guests today. The only other people he would even _consider_ bringing over would be Bubby and Dr. Coomer, but he had already decided to schedule that for another day.

“What do you want to do when Tommy and Darnold get here?” Gordon asked, hoping that talking might distract him from cleaning obsessively. “Any ideas?”

“Mario Party!”

Gordon nodded. “Yeah, we could probably make that work.” He had four controllers, and he was sure Tommy and Darnold would love to play. “Anything else?”

Joshua gasped. “Puppy!”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m… I mean, Tommy has a dog, but I don’t know if he- well, she _is_ his service dog, so he _might_ bring Sunkist, but I didn’t ask-”

“There’s a puppy! Daddy, look!”

Gordon heard someone pull into the driveway and realized that Tommy and Darnold had arrived. Walking across the living room to join Joshua by the window, he could see the bright red pickup. Sure enough, Tommy had brought Sunkist, who was currently laying down in the bed of the truck. “Guess he brought Sunkist after all.”

“Can I say hi to the puppy?”

“When Tommy brings her in, you can,” Gordon told him. “Just make sure to be _nice_ to the puppy, okay?” Joshua squealed excitedly, rushing to open the front door. “Hey! Hold your horses, bud!” But he was already at the door before Gordon could stop him. How could a three year old be so fast? “Ah, jeez…”

Joshua already had the door open by the time he caught up. “Hi!” Joshua waved enthusiastically at Tommy and Darnold.

Tommy waved back, opening the back of the truck for Sunkist. “Hello!”

“Hey, guys,” Gordon greeted. “How was the ride? Any trouble?”

“Not at all!” Tommy patted his thigh and Sunkist jumped out of the bed of the truck. Gordon sometimes forgot how absolutely _massive_ she was, easily reaching Tommy’s shoulders, maybe even just above.

Joshua seemed to forget his eagerness to meet Gordon’s friends as soon as Sunkist stood at full height, and instead clung to Gordon’s pant-leg. “That dog is big,” he whispered.

Gordon ruffled his hair. “Yeah, she is. And she’s the nicest dog in the whole universe.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.” Gordon smiled. “You can even ask Tommy. “She’s the _perfect_ dog.” Joshua didn’t look convinced. “Okay, how about this. You remember where my Switch is?” He nodded. “Why don’t you go grab it, huh? That way we can get Mario Party set up.”

After another quick nod, Joshua darted back into the house. Darnold approached Gordon with a friendly smile and case of strawberry soda. “Hey, Gordon. Where’d your boy run off to?”

Gordon nodded to Sunkist. “He was a little startled by Sunkist, I think. He’s never seen a dog that big.”

Darnold nodded knowingly. “Can’t blame the kid. I know I was startled the first time I saw Sunkist.”

“Oh, definitely,” Gordon agreed. He stepped aside to let Darnold in. “You guys didn’t have to bring anything, you know.”

“We know,” Darnold replied as he walked in. “But we figured it was the least we could do.”

Tommy finally made his way up the driveway, Sunkist in tow. Apparently, even perfect dogs have to stop and sniff everything in a new environment. “Hi, Mr. Freeman!”

“Hey, Tommy!” Gordon closed the door behind them as Tommy gently ushered Sunkist into the house. “So how is- well, I know Sunkist is perfect, but how is she around… you know, kids?”

“Wonderful!” Tommy said cheerfully. “She- Sunkist loves kids.” He glanced around, realizing Joshua was nowhere to be found. “Oh… did we startle Joshua?”

Gordon put a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “A little, but don’t worry. I’m sure once he actually meets her, he’ll absolutely fall in love.”

“Everyone does,” Darnold said, setting the case of soda on the table. “No one can resist Sunkist’s charm.” Gordon was inclined to agree. He hadn’t exactly known Sunkist for very long, but she was easily the greatest dog he’d ever encountered. She lived up to her title.

Joshua emerged from the hallway with Gordon’s Switch in his hands. Gordon smiled and waved him over. “Hey, buddy. C’mere and meet Tommy and Darnold.” Joshua hesitated for a moment, gaze flicking to Sunkist, then darted to Gordon, shoving the Switch into his hands and taking off back down the hallway. “Wha- Joshua? Where are you going, bud?”

Darnold looked concerned. “Is he alright?”

“I think so,” Gordon said, setting his Switch on the table next to the case of soda. “He’s usually a real outgoing kid, but… I don’t know. This might just be a lot for him all at once. I mean, he hasn’t even _been_ here in… shoot, a _while,_ you know?”

Tommy ran his hand along Sunkist’s fur absently. “Maybe I should have- should have asked before I brought Sunkist.”

“No, no!” Gordon interjected. “She’s your service dog, man, I’m not gonna tell you _not_ to bring her here.” Joshua suddenly ran back into the room, this time with a yellow star clipped to his shirt and small stuffed horse in his hands. “Hey, bud. You ready to meet my friends?”

“Yes,” Joshua said confidently. He skirted around Sunkist, but otherwise looked more comfortable with the situation. “My name is Joshua.”

Darnold held out his hand for Joshua to shake. “Hey there, Joshua. My name is Darnold.”

“And I’m Tommy!” Gordon smiled as Joshua shook both of their hands respectfully. “And _this…”_ Tommy put a hand on Sunkist. “Is the most perfect dog in the, uh- the whole universe.” Joshua clutched the horse tighter to his chest and approached Sunkist carefully.

Gordon held his breath as Sunkist moved to lay down, expecting Joshua to freak out at the sudden movement, but to his pleasant surprise, Joshua only backed up a step to give Sunkist some room. Then he reached out tentatively and patted her head. “Good puppy.”

Tommy beamed. “See? I told you. She’s the perfect dog!”

Despite seeming more comfortable with Sunkist, Joshua still held the small stuffed horse like a lifeline. Gordon wasn’t sure how to help, other than to let Joshua get used to Sunkist gradually. Darnold also noticed Joshua fidgeting and quickly asked, “Are you the sheriff around these parts, Joshua?”

Joshua puffed his chest out proudly, his free hand still on top of Sunkist’s head. “Yep! I’m the sheriff.” He looked up at Gordon with his best stern face. “Sheriff says it’s time for Mario Party.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow at him. “Does Sheriff Joshua have some nice words?”

“Sheriff says it’s time for Mario Party. Thank you.”

“Try again.”

Joshua huffed. “Please?”

“Absolutely.” He picked his Switch up off the table. “Tommy? Darnold? You guys up for a little Mario Party?”

Tommy grinned. “Only if- if you’re ready to get your butts kicked.” Sunkist’s tail started to move back and forth, sensing her owner’s excitement. Joshua marveled for a moment, and Tommy got a thoughtful look on his face. “You know, Joshua…” Tommy said slyly. “Every sheriff’s gotta have a- a horse.” He patted Sunkist’s back. “What do you think, Joshua? You wanna hop on?”

Gordon cleared his throat. “Hang on, Tommy. Is that uh… you know, safe?”

Tommy shrugged. “If I can ride on her, then I’m sure she’ll- she'll have no trouble carrying someone that small.”

“I’m not small!” Joshua said indignantly, despite the fact that he stood a little less than three feet off the ground.

Gordon put a hand on his head placatingly. “Of course you’re not, Cowboy.” He turned his attention back to Tommy. “I know Sunkist is _physically_ capable of carrying a toddler, I just meant- like, is it safe for _Joshua?_ What if he falls?”

Joshua looked up at him. “I won’t fall! Promise!”

“Bud, you can’t promise that kind of stuff, you don’t know what could happen.”

Darnold put a hand on Gordon’s shoulder. “It’s just to the living room, Gordon. There’s three of us here, we’ll watch him.”

The reassurance was welcomed, and Gordon felt himself relax a little bit. “Alright… just be careful.”

“I will,” Joshua said. He giggled as Darnold helped him onto Sunkist’s back. Gordon wouldn’t ever admit to being jealous, but he kind of was. He imagined the ride would be very akin to riding a horse, except much softer, and inside of a house. Sunkist was smaller than a horse, obviously, but only by a small margin.

Darnold led Sunkist and Joshua to the living room, Joshua _yee-hawing_ all the way, while Gordon collected his Switch of the table. “That little horse sure gave him a confidence boost,” Gordon said. “Or the sheriff badge, maybe. Either way, I’m glad for the sudden one-eighty.”

“Oh, I- I’m sure they’re just comfort objects. Most young kids have them, you know?” Tommy and Gordon started towards the living room, Tommy still talking in a rather animated fashion. “Although, it's- it’s just as normal for adults to have them. Comfort isn’t just, uh, a kid thing.”

“Yeah?” Gordon asked. “Do you have one? You know, a comfort object?”

Tommy shrugged. “I have Sunkist, but um- Benrey has one.”

Gordon’s pace stuttered a bit in surprise. “Wait, really? Benrey?”

“Sure!” Tommy explained, “Their helmet is- it helps them feel calm. Safe. And it…” His brows furrowed. “And… I haven’t seen- they haven’t been wearing it lately…” He trailed off. “Hm.”

“Tommy?” Gordon waved a hand in the corner of Tommy’s peripheral to get his attention. “Everything okay?”

Tommy blinked. “Hm? O-oh. Yeah. Just thinking.” He stopped walking. “Do you mind if I, uh- if I make a phone call?”

“Yeah, man, go ahead,” Gordon said. “I’ll get Mario Party set up, you uh… just do whatever you gotta do.” He joined Darnold and Joshua in the living room while Tommy retreated back to the kitchen.

He tried not to panic when he saw Sunkist walking circles around the living room with Joshua. But, true to his word, Darnold was watching them closely, and Joshua was in no real danger. Quite the opposite, really. Joshua looked like he was having the time of his life.

“Why is Sunkist so big?” Joshua asked.

“You might have to ask Tommy about that,” Darnold replied. “He’s the one who made her.”

Joshua gasped. “Tommy _made_ Sunkist?”

“He sure did.”

“Does Tommy make other dogs?”

Darnold hummed. “Not that I know of. I don’t think he needed to, because Sunkist is perfect.”

“Is Tommy gonna make other animals?”

“Not sure.”

“Can _you_ make animals?”

“No, I make potions.”

Joshua looked at him with wide eyes. “Like a wizard?”

Gordon was used to Joshua’s incessant line of questioning, but he wasn’t sure if Darnold or Tommy would be okay with the interrogation, no matter how friendly. “Easy with the questions, bud,” he said, getting the Switch ready for everyone to play. “You’re gonna wear him out.”

Darnold smiled good-naturedly. “Nonsense, Gordon. I’m happy to answer a few questions.” And he answered far more than a few while Gordon continued to get the Switch set up. No, he wasn’t a wizard, he was a scientist. No, not like Gordon, a different kind of scientist. He made lots of things, but mostly soda. Yes, he knew how to make root beer. No, he could not make root beer in the living room.

After the Switch was up and running, Mario Party music blaring in the speakers (need to turn that down, yeesh), Gordon grabbed the two extra controllers. “Alright! Who’s ready to play?”

“Me!” Joshua said enthusiastically. “I wanna play!”

“Alright, Cowboy.” Gordon gestured to Sunkist. “Darnold, can you help him get down? I’m gonna go grab Tommy.” He could hear Joshua complaining, not wanting to get down off of Sunkist, but he relented easily with Darnold reassuring him that they could play cowboy again later.

Just before he entered the kitchen, he heard Tommy speak and paused. Tommy wasn’t being loud, and Gordon didn’t usually make a habit of listening in on other peoples’ conversations, but the word _Benrey_ made all his joints lock for a moment.

“No, Bubby, I’m at Mr. Freeman’s right now and… well, I- I’m not sure if Benrey _knows_ how to- to use a phone.” Tommy made an exasperated sound. “Look, you don’t… you don’t have to _stay_ with them if you don’t want to, I just- I’m worried that leaving them alone will… I’m just worried.”

Gordon tugged at his ponytail anxiously. Tommy had left Benrey _alone?_ He couldn’t imagine trusting Benrey enough to leave them alone for five seconds, much less a few hours. There was no telling what chaos the alien would cause if left unsupervised.

“If you don’t want to, I can- I can maybe call my father. I just need someone to, um, check on them and you were the first people I called.” There was a pause, and then Tommy sighed in relief. “Thank you, Bubby. If you need me, just call, okay?”

Part of Gordon wanted to be angry. This was supposed to be a fun, _quiet_ day with his friends, why should Tommy have to worry about Benrey? They were a full-grown… whatever they were. They could take care of themself.

Although… Gordon was _also_ a full-grown whatever he was, and he had plenty of trouble after Black Mesa. Maybe Tommy was right to be worried. Just because Gordon didn’t _like_ Benrey, didn’t mean the guy wouldn't need some help every once in a while. It wasn’t very fair for Gordon to assume Benrey was any more adjusted than he had been.

He composed himself, then walked into the kitchen like he hadn’t heard anything. “Hey, Tommy. Everything okay?”

Tommy nodded, his smile looking only a _little_ forced. “Of course, just needed to call in a favor.”

Gordon held out a controller. “Well, Mario Party isn’t going to play itself. And I think Joshua may have a question or fifty about Sunkist.”

At the mention of Sunkist, Tommy’s expression brightened. “Oh! I’d be happy to answer any questions he has.” He took the controller and smiled brightly, following Gordon back into the living room to play. _“And_ I’d be happy to- to whoop your butt in Mario Party.”

“Bring it on.”

Tommy did, in fact, whoop Gordon’s butt in Mario Party. Gordon was lucky that Mario Party was a dice game that relied mostly on luck, otherwise _everyone_ might have beaten him by a landslide. He’d almost forgotten about the issues with his hand, but by the third minigame, he had remembered. There were a few moments when he got frustrated, but he bit it back.

Everyone was here to have a good time. They _weren’t_ here to listen to Gordon gripe about his arm, so he kept it to himself.

Gordon’s right hand had acted up a lot since Black Mesa, what with the phantom pains and all. And he’d definitely been forced to pause in the middle of particularly long tasks to give it a break. He _knew_ there were still a few huge glaring issues, but this was easily one of the more frustrating consequences.

His fine motor control was gone.

Not _gone_ gone, really, but it wasn’t great, and it progressively got worse the longer he played. He might’ve started cursing under his breath if Joshua weren’t in the room. He was grateful for G-Man’s help in getting his hand back, of course, but that didn’t mean it was _magically_ better. Human bodies didn’t really _work_ like that.

He had actually envied Benrey for a while, during the first couple of months of recovery. That guy could regenerate and be perfectly fine, but Gordon gets his hand back and has to deal with physical trauma? Fucking bullshit.

 _Benrey can’t do that anymore,_ he reminded himself. _They’re just like you now._

Right… well, at least Benrey got off scot-free, as far as physical injury went. Gordon still had phantom pains to deal with. Which he was kind of surprised by, since he thought that only happened to limbs that were removed in a more permanent kind of way.

Turns out he was wrong. He didn’t think there’d be very much research on the subject ‘should my arm still have phantom pains if it got reattached’, but a couple of Google searches were surprisingly helpful. Apparently, when you reattach shit, it still hurt like a motherfucker. In addition to being chronically painful at times (fun), his hand also had unhelpful moments of stiffness, and occasionally felt like it wasn’t there at all.

Which was exactly how he ended up dropping his controller. A lot. By the seventh time, the unresponsiveness of his limb managed to pull an agitated sigh out of him. Tommy gave him a sideways glance, but he waved it off. Everything was fine.

He was fine. He could make it through one simple game. He wasn’t a sore loser, he didn’t really mind that he was getting his ass kicked by a three year old in a minigame. So Joshua was better than him at rolling around on a beach ball. So what? He didn’t have a problem with losing.

The _problem_ he had was that he was losing because his _stupid_ _fucking_ _hand_ wouldn’t move the way he _wanted_ it to. He was relieved when the game was finally over and he could give himself a break. “Alright, guys, I think I’m all Mario Party’d out.”

“Awww!” Joshua complained. “I wanna play some more.” Gordon wasn’t sure if Joshua quite understood what he was doing in the game, considering he’d picked the path that led him in the _opposite_ direction of the star on more than one occasion, but Gordon was glad he was having fun.

“You can keep playing,” Gordon said. “You guys feel free to have at it, if you want, I’m just dipping out for a while.” He flexed his right hand a little, trying to make it feel normal again. He knew it probably wasn’t ever going to feel _truly_ normal, but he needed it to _at least_ be functional. “I might play again later, bud.”

Tommy was giving him another knowing glance, but didn’t say anything about his hand, which Gordon was grateful for. He hadn’t exactly had the time to explain everything wrong with his arm to Joshua, and that exact moment wasn’t the best time to learn.

Darnold also seemed to pick up that something was wrong, because Gordon’s friends were funny and empathetic like that. “How about we grab some mid-game refreshments?/” Darnold suggested. “Then we can get the controllers switched around. Can’t be player one if you’re not playing, Gordon.”

“What- oh! The soda.” Gordon nodded absently. “Yeah, a soda sounds pretty good right now, actually.”

“Can I have soda?” Joshua asked.

Gordon hesitated. “It was, like, strawberry or something, right?”

Tommy smiled. “We wanted to make s-sure it didn’t have caffeine.”

“Should probably put that in a cup for him,” Gordon muttered, mostly to himself. “Yeah, Joshie, you can have some soda.” He stood, chuckling to himself as Joshua cheered and ran to the kitchen. Sunkist trailed after them, though mostly seemed interested in staying close to Tommy and occasionally nuzzling at Joshua.

He grabbed a soda from the box before making his way to the cabinet. Tommy watched him carefully, taking a soda for himself before saying anything. “So, how have you been, Mr. Freeman?”

Gordon shrugged noncommittally. “I’ve been alright. It’s nice having my favorite cowboy in the house.” Joshua beamed at him from the table, waving his toy horse in the air. “Yeah, buddy, I see it.” Gordon shook his head with a smile and started opening the can. “You know, I have no clue where he got that horse.”

Tommy hummed. “Might’ve been when you were um... when you were gone.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured.” Gordon frowned at the soda can, his hand slipping clumsily over the tab. “God f- friggin’. Darn it.” He tried again with similar results. “Oh, come _on.”_

“Everything okay over there?” Darnold asked, still standing by the table with Joshua. 

He took a breath, trying not to let his frustration show too much. “Yeah. Fine. Everything’s great.”

Neither Darnold nor Tommy looked too convinced. “Do you need help, Mr. Freeman?” Tommy asked quietly.

“No,” Gordon said firmly. “I’ve got it.” Switching to his left hand, Gordon managed to open the can, almost dropping it in the process, but it was a success regardless. _“Finally.”_

Joshua clapped happily. “Good job! You did it!”

Gordon couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. “Yep! I did it, Joshie. _Woo!”_ He picked out a small cup from the cabinet and started pouring (carefully) with his left hand. It barely took half the can to fill the kid-sized cup, but that was probably for the best. Joshua didn’t need that much soda anyway. Besides, Gordon could just drink the rest. It’d save him the trouble of having to open another stupid can.

Tommy and Darnold glanced at each other while Gordon handed Joshua his cup. He opted to ignore it, knowing their expressions were going to be twin looks of pity.

“Okay,” Gordon said, “I’m letting you have soda, but you can’t have it in the living room.” Joshua looked like he was going to start pouting, so Gordon blew right past it. “It’s easier to clean up if you spill in the kitchen, Cowboy.” The three year old had no solid argument and a game he wanted to play, so he decided not to question Gordon’s authority on the matter.

Darnold cleared his throat. “Tommy, why don’t you help Joshua get the next game set up? I need to talk to Gordon about… proper hydration.”

Gordon shot him a confused look. “What?”

“It’s very important, Gordon,” Darnold scolded lightly. “Especially after drinking a lot of soda.” Gordon realized, maybe a little late, that this was Darnold's way of discreetly telling him that they needed to talk.

Tommy, however, had immediately caught on, and was cheerfully ushering Joshua into the back into the living room, asking if he knew anything about Beyblades.

There wasn’t a single threatening bone in Darnold’s body, but that didn’t stop Gordon from shifting nervously as soon as Tommy left the room. “So… want me to uh- drink some water or something?”

“Gordon,” Darnold said. “You know damn well that sodas aren’t the only thing I make.”

Gordon glanced away. “Well, yeah, you… you made, like, rocket boots. And that Devil Gun thing.”

“Prosthetics, Gordon. I make prosthetics.” Darnold gestured vaguely with the hand not holding his soda. “I’ve seen a few amputated limbs during my years in Mesa. I know what comes after.” His tone softened a bit. “And if you need help occasionally, that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yeah, I know,” Gordon said, running a hand through his hand. “It’s just- it feels like I’m being dumb about it. Feels like everything’s harder.”

Darnold gave him a sympathetic look. “It feels like everything’s harder because it _is_ harder. You’re not being dumb about anything.” Gordon’s doubt must have been evident on his face, because Darnold continued with, “I’m serious, Gordon. You’ve been doing great, going to therapy and all, but you have to remember that it’s okay to accept the physical help, too.”

“Alright, I got it,” Gordon relented. “I’ll take it into consideration. I just- I want things to be as normal as possible, especially with Joshua around.” He huffed out a bitter laugh. “I mean, shit, I’m twenty-seven. I should be able to handle opening a can of fucking soda.”

“Well, I’m not sure if _normal_ is a viable option for any of us anymore,” Darnold said jokingly. “But normal people still need help, too.” He grabbed another soda from the box. “You want one?”

Gordon picked up the half-empty can he’d used to fill Joshua’s cup. “Nah, I’m just gonna take whatever’s left of this.” He hesitated. “Thanks, though. Not just for the soda, I mean. Just for… everything.”

“Of course,” Darnold replied warmly. “That’s what friends are for.” He grinned. “Now, let’s rejoin Tommy and Joshua, hm? I’m sure Tommy is eager to kick our asses again.”

“Kick _your_ ass,” Gordon corrected. “I’m not playing this round, remember?”

Darnold laughed. “I hope you have fun watching, then. Because I’m pretty sure Tommy’s not holding back this time.”

Gordon and Darnold walked back into the living room. “It’s a game of _luck,_ dude, you literally have to roll a dice. How could Tommy possibly be 'holding back'?”

“Daddy!” Joshua exclaimed as soon as Gordon walked into the room. “Tommy’s an alien!” He informed Gordon excitedly, perched on Sunkist’s back. Thankfully, Sunkist was laying down, saving Gordon from a mild heart attack. “Did you know aliens need soda to see?”

“I don’t need it to see,” Tommy corrected. “I only- I use it to see _faster.”_ Which, of course, only started an entirely _new_ line of questioning from Joshua.

There was a moment of just listening to Tommy and Joshua talk before Gordon registered the conversation. And when it _did_ finally get through, all Gordon managed to say was, “Ah.”

“Yep,” Darnold agreed.

“I forget he’s an alien sometimes,” Gordon admitted, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. “Yeah, normal… that’s, like, definitely not an option.”

“Nope.”

Gordon sighed, but there was a smile behind it. “You know what? I think I can live with that.” Normal… who needed normal anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I told you it was fine! Gordos hand's fucked up and not worky momence, but otherwise fine! Just a lovely day of Mario Party with friends. What could be better?
> 
> Did y'all think I was gonna let Gordon off the hook without any physical trauma? Me? Not a fucking chance. G-Man may have alien bullshit, but Gordon is a Very Squishy Human. You know what happens to Very Squishy Human people? pain happens :)
> 
> Oh yeah! And don't worry about Benrey. They are absolutely fine.


	15. Speedrun to Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! This chapter still has a little bit of dissociation going on, but it's only the first part of the story. Again, if this is something that's going to be hard for you to read, please read with caution.
> 
> Also, folks on Tumblr have been making some posts about Tommy's stutter, and I've recently seen a couple. The way I've been writing it is incorrect, so I went back through the chapters and fixed all of Tommy's lines :D! Hopefully those are better now, and I apologize if it bothered anyone to read Tommy's lines the way that I wrote it.
> 
> Oh! And! I finally got around to drawing Benrey's design! It's not great, but it's really just to give folks an idea as to what they look like (and Tommy's there too!). https://randomhl-vraifam.tumblr.com/post/635376883547160576/dumb-lil-drawing-just-a-scene-from-my-story-its

Benrey was vaguely aware that something _somewhere_ was being incredibly loud, but they couldn’t make themself care enough to figure out what it was. They were sort of content to just… lay on the floor for a while. They had only just remembered their name, and that was about all their brain was willing to handle at the moment.

And they _knew_ they should care, which was probably the worst part. But they couldn’t. So they didn’t. Whoever was banging on… whatever they banging on… could just keep doing that for a while. See if they cared.

All at once, the banging stopped. Benrey waited to see if they could hear anything else, which they could, there was a door opening somewhere. People were _entering_ the house. Maybe they should start caring now… nah.

“Hey, asshat!” A familiar voice called. “Where the fuck are you?”

They narrowed their eyes at the ceiling. Their name was not asshat, therefore they were not responding.

“Boper!” A different voice tried. “Tommy has sent us to assist you!”

Boper was also not their name. The two voices argued for a minute about why they were _actually_ at the house. To help them, to check on them, one of the two. Either way, the voices seemed determined to find them. That was cool, they decided. It was kind of boring being so disconnected from everything.

Another door opened, much closer this time. They turned their head a little, almost surprised that the door to _this_ room was open, and even more surprised at the two silhouettes. “The hell are you doing on the floor?”

Up until this point, Benrey hadn’t really bothered saying anything because… they hadn’t needed to? But the question seemed a little too direct to ignore, making Benrey vaguely aware that they needed to give an answer. “What’re you doin’... _not._ On the floor.” They went back to looking at the ceiling. “Dunno, m’just… chillin’.”

“On the _floor.”_

They lifted their head just enough to look around, then let it fall back. “Mm-hm.” They weren’t sure what was so difficult to comprehend about the situation. They were Benrey and they were on the floor. That’s all they knew, and that seemed like enough information.

There was suddenly a face looming over him. It was a kind-looking face, with smile lines around the mouth and crow’s feet around the eyes. He was short. Not super important, but it was one of very few things that Benrey could register.

Feeling the need to say something at the expectant face above them, and the expectant whoever else was in the room, Benrey pointed at the face and muttered, “Ha… mustache.”

“Indeed!” came the cheerful reply. “Do you mind if I sit you with you, Boper?”

“Who’s Boper?” They asked. “Keep… callin’ me that. S’the wrong name. I think.” They frowned. What was their name again? They just had it a second ago. “Benrey.”

A voice Benrey couldn’t see muttered. “Jesus fucking Christ…” Retreating footsteps made Benrey turn their head again. “Come get me when they snap out of this.”

“Bye,” Benrey said. Then they looked back up at the face above them. “Who was that guy? Kinda… rude. Sucks.” They frowned. “I know that guy…”

“That would be Bubby,” the helpful face above them supplied. “Boper, I am going to lay down on the floor.”

“Benrey.”

The mustache laid down next to them. “How are you feeling, Benrey?”

“I’m not,” they answered honestly.

“Hm.” Whoever was laying next to them was quiet for a moment. “I believe you are dissociating.”

Benrey frowned. “Whuzzat?” They turned to look at the person laying next to them. “Who the fuck… who’re you?” The friendly smile was so _goddamn_ familiar, and yet. “Sorry. Hard to think.”

“My name is Dr. Coomer.”

“Oh, _yeah.”_ Benrey smiled, feeling dazed by the realization. “Fuckin’... robot. Arms.” They stared at the ceiling again. “Coomer. Bubby. I know those names.”

Dr. Coomer hummed. “Helps to talk, hm?”

Benrey shrugged awkwardly. “Guess so. Was kinda just… layin’ here. For a while. Not doin’... much. Or anything.” They waved a hand absently. “Feels less fuzzy now, so. That’s dope.” What did he call this shit again? “Dee… social. Dish- no. What…”

“Dissociation,” Dr. Coomer supplied, “is any of a wide array of experiences, ranging from a mild emotional detachment from the immediate surroundings, to a more severe disconnection from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.”

They didn’t know how to respond, so they opted to just listen. Dr. Coomer seemed to know what he was talking about.

“Dissociation is commonly displayed on a continuum. In mild cases, dissociation can be regarded as a coping mechanism or defense mechanism in seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress – including boredom or conflict.” Coomer seemed to be giving them a pointed look, but it was hard to tell from their peripheral vision. “At the non-pathological end of the continuum, dissociation describes common events such as daydreaming. Further along the continuum are non-pathological altered states of consciousness.”

Benrey nodded. “Sounds… fucky wucky.” That phrase was funny for some reason. They didn’t know why, they just had a feeling it was. They couldn’t remember laughing about it.

“More pathological dissociation involves dissociative disorders,” Dr. Coomer continued. “Including dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder with or without alterations in personal identity or sense of self. These alterations can include: a sense that self or the world is unreal--depersonalization and derealization; a loss of memory--amnesia; forgetting identity or assuming a new self--fugue; and separate streams of consciousness, identity and self--dissociative identity disorder, formerly termed multiple personality disorder--and complex post-traumatic stress disorder.”

That sounded familiar. “Dereal…zation. That sounds like- uh…” Their brow furrowed in concentration. “You said… nothing is real. In the- the place… Black Mesa.” Their eyes widened as they turned to stare at Dr. Coomer. “Do you think, like… you think shit’s not real?”

“Sometimes,” Dr. Coomer admitted. “It’s rather scary when it happens.”

“S’weird,” Benrey muttered. “I think- I think the world’s real. I’m uh… like, I’m _in_ the world. So it’s _real._ I just don’t think I’m… s’posed to be. Here. Feels… wrong. Bad.”

“How come?”

Benrey turned to face the other way. They could see the dresser if they looked that way, and the mirror seemed to mock them from that high up. It reminded them of what sent them spiraling in the first place. “I don’t- it doesn’t feel like… _me._ Anymore.”

Dr. Coomer seemed to understand, in a quiet kind of way. The quiet was good, because Benrey still needed prompting to talk, there were no coherent thoughts happening otherwise.

“Has the idiot come back down to Earth?”

“Hey,” Benrey protested. “That’s… not nice.” They used what little effort they could scrape together to put a hand on Dr. Coomer’s arm. “He’s not- Coomer’s _not_ an idiot. Rude.”

Bubby, that’s who this was, glared down at them. “I meant _you.”_

“I didn’t leave Earth.”

“Okay, get up. Both of you.”

Benrey frowned. “Floor’s comfy.”

“No, it isn’t,” Bubby snapped. “We’re to check on you, so that’s what we’re doing.” He reached down and tugged at Benrey’s arm. “Now get up, before I drag your dumbass out of this room.”

“Bet. You won’t.”

Dr. Coomer stood, laughing under his breath. “I wouldn’t tempt him, Benrey. I believe he would actually like to drag you out of this room.”

Benrey groaned. “Boo. Top ten rude Bubby moments. Number five will surprise you.” They forced themself to sit up. “Hate this… stupid brain.”

“Get used to it,” Bubby said. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you, but apparently you need someone to babysit your dumbass. Now come drink some water before I punt you into next week.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Benrey hauled themself to a standing position. “Water. Hydration station, here we come.” The rest of their brain seemed to kick into gear as soon as they were up and walking around. Not that anything made any sense once their thoughts were all collected anyway.

First off, why the fuck were Coomer and Bubby here? They remembered one of them said something about Tommy. Did Tommy send these guys? Why would he do that? Wasn’t he supposed to be at Gordon’s place right now?

Gordon… _that’s_ who thought ‘fucky wucky’ was so funny.

“Fuckin’... Feetman,” Benrey muttered, grabbing the cup they’d left on the counter and filling it up at the sink. They hadn’t really used the nickname since Black Mesa, mostly because it seemed to annoy the shit out of Gordon, and they were trying _not_ to do that anymore.

It _was_ pretty funny, though. It wasn’t a clever nickname, by any means, but Gordon’s face got all cute and red when they called him that. An angry kind of red, but Benrey didn’t mind. They’d earned it, after all, bothering him so much.

They shut off the water before the cup overflowed. More thoughts started coming back to them as they took a few cautious sips. Mostly about Gordon, frustratingly enough.

 _Focus,_ Benrey chastised themself. _You were thinking about Tommy. Why are the grandpas here?_

“Why uh… what are you grandpas doin’ here?” Benrey asked before they could distract themself again.

Bubby scowled at him. “Call me grandpa again and I’ll roast you alive.”

Benrey raised an eyebrow and took another long drink of water, waiting for an answer to their question.

Dr. Coomer was the one that decided to be helpful. “Tommy sent us to check on you.”

“Yeah?” Benrey asked. “What for?”

“Said you might be weird about being alone,” Bubby added. “Guess he was right.”

Benrey snorted. “I wasn’t weird about bein’... like, by myself,” they said. “Done that… fuckin’- lots of times.” They swirled the water in their cup. “Bein’ weird about… somethin’ else. Dish soap thing, Coomer said.”

“Dissociating!” Dr. Commer corrected.

“Yeah, that.”

Bubby frowned. If Benrey didn’t know any better, they might have mistaken it for concern. “Well, what the fuck triggered _that_ bullshit?”

“Fuck if I know.” Benrey replied. “What- why do _you_ care?”

“Because, _Benrey,_ if it’s something in the _house_ , then we have to _move_ it,” Bubby said, like it should have been obvious. “That way another episode won’t happen once we _leave.”_

Benrey rolled their eyes, brushing past Coomer and Bubby to the living room. “Relax, uh- Bubster. It’s not anything in the house, you can fuckin’... go.”

“Not a fucking chance.” A hand on their shoulder made them flinch, whirling around so fast that they almost dropped their cup. Bubby pulled his hand back, but his heated gaze remained. “First we’re gonna have a fucking _talk.”_

Oh. Benrey swallowed on reflex, trying to hide orbs of emotion that weren’t coming. “Yeah? ‘Bout what?”

Bubby studied their face for a moment, and Benrey tried their best to hold his stare without wavering. “In my _entire_ life,” Bubby said finally, “I have cared about exactly _five_ people that weren’t myself.” Benrey was no longer able to meet his gaze. “And _you_ fucking _tricked me_ into hurting one of them.”

Benrey felt their blood run cold. This wasn’t about the fight that killed them. This was about tricking Bubby into helping hand Gordon over to the military. “I… okay.” They took a step back. “Why- what are you… what do you want to know?”

Dr. Coomer spoke up before Bubby could. “How about we move this to the living room, gentlemen.” Benrey didn’t have any arguments with that, so long as it put some distance between them and Bubby.

Not that they were _afraid_ of Bubby, that’d be ridiculous. And they weren’t afraid of Coomer, either. Even if they _could_ kill them. And rather easily too, considering their lack of powers.

Their grip tightened around the cup of water. _Don’t think about that._

Tommy wouldn’t have sent these guys over to check on them if he thought- well... no, Tommy wouldn’t have done that. He was their friend. Maybe the last one they had. And if there was _any_ chance that Bubby or Coomer wanted to kill them, Tommy _wouldn’t_ have sent them.

Benrey was safe. This was fine.

They forced themself to relax into the chair, holding their cup in both hands to stop their hands from shaking. _Why were their hands shaking?_ Bubby and Coomer took the couch, which gave them some space. Not that they cared. Or needed space. Because they didn’t.

There was a short silence before Bubby spoke. “I’m ridiculously smart. You know that.”

“Uh…”

“He is,” Dr. Coomer confirmed. “Dare I say, Bubby is the _smartest_ individual I have ever met.”

Bubby looked proud at that. “Of course I am. I’m the _perfect_ scientist.” He redirected his attention back to Benrey. “Which is why I’m absolutely _furious_ right now, because I don’t _understand_ you.”

Benrey set their jaw. “Yeah, well… join the fuckin’ club.” They took another drink of water, hoping that might help the words come out better. “Wanna be more… specific? Maybe? ‘Cause there’s a lot of things-”

“Why’d you hand Gordon over to the military?” Bubby interjected. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Makes perfect sense,” Benrey muttered. “I’m an asshat.”

Dr. Coomer glanced at Bubby. “You _did_ call them an asshat.”

“For good reason,” Bubby agreed. “But that doesn’t change the fact that they _like_ Gordon.”

Luckily, Benrey hadn’t taken a drink when Bubby said that, so the only thing they choked on was air and not water. “What- I don’t… the fuck are you talkin’ about, bro, I don’t-”

“Oh, _please,”_ Bubby scoffed. “If you were any more starry-eyed, I swear to god-”

“Your face is incredibly pink, Benrey!” Dr. Coomer pointed out helpfully.

Benrey scowled, like feigning anger might make the embarrassment go away. “Is not. Don’t even- don’t look at me. Shut up.” They tapped the cup of water anxiously. “Fuckin’ cringe- cringe ass motherfucker, I do _not_ like him.”

Bubby raised an eyebrow. “Sure.” Before Benrey could protest, Bubby moved on. “Either way, I want to know why you handed him over to the military.”

Well, there _was_ an answer for that, but Benrey wasn’t sure if they could say it. They were _physically_ capable of speaking the words, but the consequences that might come from it… _that_ they weren’t sure if they could handle.

But this was _their_ fuck up. So they were gonna try their best. “Gordon… I- we talked. The other day.”

Dr. Coomer beamed. “Fantastic news, Boper!”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah, I- we- talked out, like, a _lot_ of stuff.” They cleared their throat. “I… apologized for some shit. A lot of shit, actually.” They took a drink of water, hoping that might help their words come out easier. “I did some… pretty fucked up shit. Not just to Gordon.”

“Uh-huh,” Bubby said expectantly.

He didn’t… sound _too_ pissed off, but it still put Benrey on edge. They suddenly wished Tommy was there. “I think- I gotta… tell _you_ guys. Say sorry, ‘cause… you were part of that… whole thing.” They glanced up at the Bubby. “And um… also for lying. To you.”

“Great,” Bubby said coolly. “Doesn’t answer my question.”

Benrey blinked. “Huh? Oh. Yeah, uh- about the… military thing. They really _weren’t_ supposed to… _do_ that. With his arm.”

Bubby’s gaze was fixated on them. “So fucking what? It still happened.” Benrey tried to respond, but Bubby bulldozed over them. “You told me they just wanted _answers_ and then they’d leave us the hell alone.”

“That’s what they told _me!”_ Benrey exclaimed. “I wasn’t- I didn’t _mean_ to, like, _lie_ about it. They _said_ they wouldn’t _hurt_ him.”

Dr. Coomer raised an eyebrow. “And you believed that?”

Benrey hesitated. “I- figured they’d… like, rough him up a little, just… not like that. Thought he’d be safe with the- the suit, it…” They sighed. “Look, I just- I needed you guys… _away._ Alright? That’s it. Thought if you… went on, like, some stupid fuckin’ rescue mission, it’d… distract you for a while, but-”

“Rescue mission?” Bubby questioned. “So you _did_ lie to me.”

“Huh?”

“You said they’d ask Gordon some questions,” Bubby said. “But you didn’t say _anything_ about the military _taking_ him anywhere. Now you’re acting like you _knew_ they’d do that from the start, and just didn’t _tell_ me.”

Shit. “Um… okay, yeah, I- I can see how that looks bad, but… you wouldn’t have helped if-”

“You bet your ass I wouldn’t have helped,” Bubby interrupted. “Why the _fuck_ would I help hand my friend over to the military?”

Frustration bubbled up into Benrey’s throat. Not at Bubby, necessarily, and _definitely_ not at Coomer. It was mostly frustration at themself, both past and present, for being the textbook definition of an idiot. Regardless, the agitation forced its way out. “I just wanted you guys away from the portal, okay?!”

Dr. Coomer tilted his head. “Away from the portal? What for?”

Bubby’s eyes narrowed behind his glasses. “Explain.”

And that’s about when they remembered that Bubby and Coomer hadn’t been made aware of their… situation. “I- because of the… it was-” Where did they start? Did they start with Nihilanth? Or the fact that they were from Xen? Would they have to explain the scientists if they started with that? What were they supposed to _say?_

“Boper.”

The ridiculous name pulled Benrey from their thoughts. “What? Oh.” They glanced between Bubby and Coomer nervously. “It’s- sorry. I’m… I can answer, I just gotta… I dunno where to start.” Their gaze finally landed on Bubby, a thought occuring to them. “Hey, you know… you know Black Mesa, like, seriously fucking sucked, right?”

Bubby snarled. “Fuckers put me in a tube.”

“Yeah! Yeah, they- it sucked. That whole place… sucked.” Benrey realized they were gonna have to get to the point. “It uh… sucked for me, too. I’m- I _was…_ like that. Like you.”

Something in Bubby’s expression shifted. His eyes still flashed as angrily as ever, but his eyebrows unfurrowed a bit, the corners of his mouth softened from a snarl to a frown. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Benrey took a breath. “Okay, I had to… like, I haven’t explained all this. To Gordon. _Yet._ Because… you know, his brain is- it’s super cringe and not nice to him. So.”

“Gordon has anxiety!” Dr. Coomer said helpfully.

“That’s- yeah. That.” Benrey took a drink of water, giving themself time to put their thoughts in order. “But that’s why I didn’t… tell him everything about… me. ‘Cause I think his brain would- it’d be real mean to him. If I did.” They gestured to the two men in front of him. “But, like, y’all are cool and big-brained, so… m’gonna speedrun this shit.”

Bubby looked only _slightly_ less ready to burn them into a crisp. “Speedrun this shit _faster.”_

“Okay,” Benrey said quickly. “I can- yeah. I’ll do that.” This probably wasn’t what Tommy had in mind when he sent these two to check on them, but whatever. Might as well cross this bridge while it was burning. That was gonna be their new motto, actually.

“Well?”

Benrey took a breath. “So Black Mesa totally built that portal to Xen, like, forever ago, okay? Sent some peeps over, ‘cause they’re dumb, and one of them got merced--that was the HEV suit you guys saw--but they actually managed to… you know, _grab_ an alien to take home with them and that was, uh, me.

“But- um… that’s fine,” they continued quickly, before Bubby and Coomer could say anything. “Not super important, they just… spliced my genetic code. With human DNA. You know, like scientists do.” Bubby’s eyes widened slightly, but didn’t interrupt. “Anyway, that was shit, so… I left- escaped. Kinda.

“So I already knew what was on Xen, is… what I’m trying to say.” Benrey held their cup in their left hand, tapping their arm anxiously with the right. “There’s this- it’s called Nihilanth. Bad. Xen is a hivemind, and Nihilanth is the… bad. Not like me, I was- I was the _big_ bad. To scare you. But it- Nihilanth is… _bad…_ bad.

“I wanted you to… I told Gordon to leave, and he wouldn’t. So I, like, annoyed the shit out of him. ‘Cause I thought he’d… I dunno. Leave? And if he left, _you_ would’ve left. I just needed you guys away so- not forever, just… I would’ve found you after I destroyed the portal, probably. Could’ve just split off from the group, I guess, but you guys got into trouble like… like a bunch of fuckin’ noobs humans, so I had to stay.

“And Gordon didn’t- wouldn’t leave, and um… the military wanted him. I thought- I knew they’d take him… _away,_ but I knew you wouldn’t help if I told you… _that_ part. So I just said they wanted to… question him. Which they said they did. They said they wanted to take him away and question him. Which I thought would be cool. For you guys. Keep you outta… well, _mostly_ outta danger. Then I could do my thing and come back.”

Smoke floated away from Bubby's fingertips, or maybe that was just Benrey’s imagination. “But that’s not what happened.”

Benrey shook their head. “No.” They shifted uncomfortably. “Shit got… all kinds of fucked. Dunno if it’s gonna win me any points, but uh- I knocked those bootboys out and, like, tossed them. In the, um, working side of the trash compactor.”

“My only complaint,” Dr.Coomer said cheerfully, “is that you knocked them out first!”

“Yeah, what the fuck?” Bubby complained. “Should’ve let those bastards suffer.”

Benrey shrugged. “Figured uh- Gordon would have… issues. With that. He’s a bleedin’ heart, you know?”

Bubby snorted. “He sure is.” There was a pause, Bubby’s brow furrowing in thought. “So, just to make sure I’ve got this all straight-”

“But you’re gay,” Benrey said before they could stop themself.

There was definitely smoke rising from Bubby’s fingertips now. “You little-”

“They are correct!” Dr. Coomer chimed in. “You are _very_ gay.”

 _“Okay,”_ Bubby snapped. “Got it, I’m gay. This has been established already. Can we get back on _topic?”_ Benrey and Dr. Coomer glanced at each, but didn’t say anything. “Good,” Bubby said. “Now just to make sure we’re perfectly clear on this:

“You knew that there was a giant alien monster on the other side of the portal, so you tried pissing off Gordon so we’d turn around. When that didn’t work, you struck a deal with the military so they’d take him away, effectively distracting the rest of us so that you could destroy the portal.”

Benrey nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“But you knew none of us would be okay with that, so you tricked me into helping.” Bubby pressed his fingertips together. “And you tricked me into helping by telling me the military only wanted to _question_ Gordon and then they’d let us go.” He shot them a glare. “Which was shitty of you. Extremely so.”

They knew. “Yeah. Sorry.”

Bubby sighed. “And you thought _all_ _that_ was a better alternative than just _telling us_ that you were from Xen?”

“I never claimed to be smart, bro.”

“Clearly.”

Dr. Coomer looked lost in thought. “If it wasn’t your intention to hurt anyone, then what exactly happened on Xen?”

Benrey shrugged. “Tried to scare you off. Worked, sorta, but it- I think it worked too good. Scared you _too_ bad. Anyhow, it’s… you guys went back to Earth, none of you ever saw Nihilanth, and uh… that’s good. That was the goal. Mission accomplished.”

“And _after_ we went back to Earth?” Bubby asked cautiously.

“You remember the explosion?” Benrey asked. “That was me. I blew up. S’ploded the portal. Died. Tommy and his old man pulled some shit, and now I’m… here.” They paused for a moment. “And my, uh, powers are gone. Don’t got ‘em. Not even Sweet Voice. Major sucks.”

Bubby raised an eyebrow. “Is that why you haven’t fixed your face?”

Benrey gave him a deadpan stare. “Why? What’s uh… what’s wrong with my face?”

“It’s impolite to ask about someone’s face, Bubby,” Dr. Coomer scolded playfully.

“You both _know_ what I meant,” Bubby snapped. “Their eye is bright _fucking_ yellow.”

A smile broke through their deadpan expression. “Nah, you’re good. Know what you meant. But it’s… yeah, it’s fucked. I’m uh… all human now with a fucked up eye. Yay.“

Dr. Coomer hummed. “Is that what triggered your dissociation?”

Benrey tensed, fidgeting with the rim of the cup. “I mean… maybe. It’s just weird, you know? S’like if Bubby couldn’t… shoot fire at stuff. Or whatever. Feels bad. Not like me.” They forced out what they _hoped_ sounded like an easy-going laugh. “But uh… Tommy just sent you guys to, like, check on me. And I’m all good now, so…”

“And… what?” Bubby asked. “You just expect us to leave now?” Benrey nodded slowly. Wasn’t that how this was supposed to work? “No way. I just found out I’m not the only surviving experiment from Black Mesa, and you think I’m just gonna _leave?_ Fat chance.”

“I don’t- I don’t wanna talk about that, actually,” Benrey said quickly. “That was… not fun.”

Bubby made a noise of agreement. “Tell me about it. Yeah, not gonna make you talk about shit, just… it’s nice to not be the only one.”

They weren’t sure why, but they smiled at that. It was nice to know there was someone who understood. It wasn’t nice that they had shared experiences, of course, because Black Mesa was a _bad_ experience, but the understanding… Benrey couldn’t deny it made them feel a little more at ease.

“Perhaps we could talk about how oblivious Gordon is,” Dr. Coomer suggested.

“Oh my _god,”_ Bubby groaned. “He is _so_ fucking oblivious.”

Benrey blinked. “Wha… wait, so, that wasn’t- I’m not the only one that noticed?”

Bubby looked at them incredulously. “Of course not! You were so _fucking_ obvious. Hell, you were outright _flirting_ with him.”

 _“Thank_ you!” Benrey threw their free hand in the air, the other still holding their cup. “Can’t even compliment the guy, _fuck.”_

“He’s so dense, it’s borderline homophobic,” Bubby said. “I _told_ you that you should have just slapped him on the ass.”

They snickered. “And get myself _shot_ again? No fuckin’ thanks.” For a brief moment, they thought that it probably would have been _worth_ getting shot. Then they realized that they sounded like an absolute simp and shut the thought down. “So… Gordon being IGN’s number one dumbass aside, I’m… I really am sorry. For lying.”

Bubby waved a hand absently. “Whatever. Just don’t ever lie to me again, or I’ll burn your fucking face off. Which, apparently, I can do now. Bitch ass human.”

“Mleh, mleh, mleh,” Benrey replied. “You’re a bitch ass human, too.”

“He’s a bitch ass human that can shoot _fire,”_ Dr. Coomer corrected.

Benrey pouted. “Hacks.”

Bubby smirked. “What? Mad because you’re just a boring human now?”

They stared for a moment, weighing their options. Finally, deciding there were no verbal responses that would do them justice, quickly flicked their cup outward, splashing the remaining water on the fire-wielding man on the couch.

The room was quiet for a moment, Bubby’s face twisted into an expression somewhere between surprise and outrage. “What? Mad because you’re just a wet human now?”

Benrey laughed as Dr. Coomer physically restrained Bubby from tackling them. Funnily enough, they weren’t really concerned that Bubby was going to hurt them. They weren’t sure why. Maybe it was the conversation, maybe it was because Bubby wasn’t actually producing any fire. Shit, maybe it was because they had entirely too much faith in Tommy’s decision to send them over.

Whatever the case, this felt like a good step forward. At this point, they were on good terms with every member of the Science Team, which was a lot better than they thought they were gonna get. Especially considering they originally thought they weren’t gonna have this… _ever._

Bubby suddenly broke free of Coomer’s grasp (though Benrey suspected that Coomer had just let him go. “Gotcha, bitch!”

“Aw, fuck!” Benrey threw the cup at Bubby and jumped out of the chair to escape, initiating a playful chase around the house.

Definitely not how Benrey thought this day was going to go, but they found that they didn’t really have a problem with that. If this was going to be their new normal, well, who were they to complain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told y'all Benrey was going to be fine! Just some friendly gay grandpa momence, it's okay.
> 
> Personally, I don't see enough fics that discuss Benrey lying to Bubby about the military, and I definitely wanted to address it. I also didn't want Bubby to be unreasonably angry, because... it's Bubby, and he's really only outwardly hostile to people he thinks are fucking with him. Anyhow, I hope I portrayed him well, he's the hardest character for me to write, hhhhh.
> 
> And, no, I did not miscount the number of people Bubby cares about. It's Coomer, Tommy, Darnold, Gordon, AND Benrey. He care the little feral bastard, even if he'll never admit it.


	16. Early Morning Phone Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh... warning! Another nightmare. Gordon's this time, it's a pretty short one, though. There's also early warning signs of a panic attack, but he gets help pretty fast, so there's no full on attack (this time).
> 
> And, warning for towards the end of the chapter...
> 
> that's it. There's nothing bad that happens at the end of the chapter, it's just stupid. Because I'm a very dumb enby who can write, but only, like, barely.

“Joshua!” Gordon called. “Joshua, where’d you go?  _ Joshua!” _ The longer he searched the dimly lit halls, the more his heart threatened to break out of his chest. How could he have lost Joshua in this place? What kind of father  _ was _ he?

Something in the back of his mind told him that Joshua couldn’t  _ possibly _ be here. Joshua had never even  _ seen _ Black Mesa before, much less entered the building. But he knew. Somehow he  _ knew _ Joshua was here, and Gordon  _ needed _ to find him. He couldn’t rest until he did.

He hated it. He hated being back in Black Mesa. It was where most of his dreams tended to wander, and he couldn’t stand it. Although, he did have to admit, it was never so eerily  _ quiet, _ but that didn’t exactly put Gordon at ease. There was no telling what was behind any corner.  _ Every _ corner. Every darkened hallway and dimly lit room.

There was danger. It was everywhere, even if it  _ was _ quiet. Gordon had to be faster than the danger, otherwise the danger would find him first. It could find  _ Joshua _ first.

His grip tightened around his gun. And his gun was… a rifle? For some reason? Gordon had never been a fan of rifles. Not for any particular reason… or maybe a reason he couldn’t remember. He couldn’t focus on that now though. He needed to focus on finding Joshua. Or  _ anyone, _ really.

Tommy had to be around, right? Or Dr. Coomer and Bubby?  _ Somebody _ had to be there, no way he was here  _ alone… _ right? Not being alone was the only thing that kept him relatively sane. The hour or so he  _ had _ been by himself were filled with a helpless kind of terror he didn’t ever want to go through again.

“Hello?” He called, wincing at the volume of his own voice. There didn’t  _ seem _ to be anything in the area that could attack him, but still… “Joshua? Guys? Where’d you go?!”

“Calm down.”

Gordon flinched at the voice, heart in his throat. “Benrey?” The name hung in the open air. “Benrey, where are you?” The only response he got was a laugh-- _ Joshua’s _ laugh--echoing off the walls. “Joshua?”

Benrey’s voice had come from everywhere, and Gordon couldn’t even pinpoint a direction that he  _ thought _ might lead him to them  _ or _ his son. It was frustrating to say the least, and terrifying to say the most. Did Benrey have Joshua? Fuck, he  _ hated _ this.

The lights above him started to flicker, and he suddenly hated this a  _ lot _ more. “Hey! What the hell, man?!” For a moment he couldn’t hear anything aside from his own voice, and then there was a noise somewhere to his left, something that sounded like a crate being smashed. “This isn’t  _ fucking _ funny, Benrey!”

“Uh- never said it was funny,” Benrey said monotonously. “Just said calm down.”

“I can’t  _ fucking _ calm down!” Gordon hated the way his voice wavered. “What the  _ hell _ did you do with Joshua?!” He nearly choked on the last word as the hallway went dark. 

His eyes strained in the dark, trying and failing to see anything. He tried to make himself take another step forward, but he felt rooted to the spot, unable to move. All he could do was turn in place, hoping his heartbeat wasn’t as loud as it sounded in his ears, or else something might hear it.

Gordon wanted to call out for someone,  _ anyone, _ but the fear of being found overpowered the urge. Instead, he held his breath, listening closely to his surroundings. He hated this. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted his friends.

Quietly as he could, Gordon readied his gun to fire. He wasn’t really used to shooting a rifle, but he didn’t care. He needed to be ready. Because what if the threat was closer than he thought it was? What if it was a vortigaunt? Or one of those golem things? What if it was  _ Benrey? _

Suddenly there was a presence. Footsteps so quiet that Gordon barely heard the over the blood rushing in his ears. Benrey should have been his main concern, considering he’d just heard them, but in the moment, in the dark, all reason flew out the window.  _ Soldiers. _

He whirled to face the sound, aiming in the general direction and firing. A thousand different thoughts flashed through his mind, every instinct screaming at him to _get the fuck away, just run,_ but he fired anyway. Gordon didn’t know what--or _who_ \--was over there, but he wanted it _gone._

Without warning, the lights flickered back on. The lights in Black Mesa were never terribly bright, but after being in complete darkness, they were nearly blinding. Gordon squinted against the brief, searing pain, struggling to make out the blurry shape in front of him.

When he finally managed to blink the light and the panic out of his eyes, Gordon saw Benrey. Not the Benrey he knew from Black Mesa, just…  _ Benrey. _ They looked so painfully  _ normal. _ No helmet, no bulletproof vest, just a gray sweater that looked too big to be theirs.

And a gaping hole right through their chest.

They blinked for a moment before looking down at their red-stained shirt. A hand came up to the wound, confusion crossing their expression. “Bro, what… why’d you  _ do _ that?”

“I didn’t-” Gordon looked down at the gun in his hands. “I don’t know. It was dark and… I didn’t- you weren’t-” He looked back up. He could see the wall behind Benrey through the hole in their chest “But you- you’re fine, right? You’re always fine.”

Benrey frowned at the blossoming red stain. “Think I need uh… band-aid.” Their gaze drifted to Gordon’s left. “Yo, you got any band-aids?”

Gordon glanced down next to him and jumped in surprise at the curious wide-eyed gaze of Joshua. “Wh- Joshie? What are you- this isn’t- you’re not supposed to be here.”

Joshua looked between Gordon and Benrey, completely expressionless. He looked so out of place, it almost seemed ridiculous. With the  _ Toy Story _ pajamas and the stuffed horse tucked under his arm, Joshua looked like he was ready to go to sleep, which was a luxury rarely allowed in Black Mesa.

Finally, Joshua met his gaze. “Did you do that?” He asked, pointing to a still-bleeding Benrey.

“What? No! I… I mean-” Why was Benrey still bleeding? They could fix themself, right? Why were they just standing there like that?

“Lyin’ to your kid, Feetman?” Benrey asked, much closer now than they had been a few seconds before. How did that happen? Gordon hadn’t even heard them move. “That’s uh… pretty cringe, bro.”

Gordon’s eye flicked to the wound in their chest. How the fuck. How the  _ fuck. _ A rifle couldn’t do that, he was pretty sure. The last time he’d seen Benrey with a hole in their chest, it’d been the result of the Devil Gun. Which didn’t make sense, because Gordon hadn’t  _ fired _ the Devil Gun, because he was,  _ somehow, _ holding a fucking rifle.

Why a rifle? What kind of fucked up dream  _ was _ this? He hadn’t been anywhere  _ near _ a rifle since he was  _ teenager. _ There weren’t even any rifles _in_ Black Mesa. A shotgun or two, maybe, but never a rifle. 

Another sound pulled him from his thoughts. It wasn’t Benrey. It couldn’t have been Joshua. There was someone else.  _ Something  _ else. He held the rifle up defensively, earning him a frown from Joshua.

“Are you gonna shoot somebody?”

“I- maybe? It’s just- Joshua, I  _ have _ to.”

Benrey looked at him expectantly. “Gonna shoot me?”

Gordon swallowed around the fear in his throat. “No, it’s- not  _ you, _ there’s… something…” He looked around, trying to locate the noise he was hearing. It was louder now. Why couldn’t he  _ see _ it? “There’s something else, I-”

Joshua grabbed his sleeve. “Don’t shoot my friend.”

“Your friend?” Gordon asked. “What-” The lights started to flicker again. “Shit, we- Joshua, we gotta go.” He took Joshua’s hand and tried to walk, but Joshua wouldn’t move. “Joshua?” His son’s eyes narrowed at him. “Joshie, we gotta go, bud.”

“No.”

The noise was closer. Too close. There were too many things happening to be having this conversation, they needed to _move._ “Joshua, please-”

“You did a bad thing.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to.” Gordon dropped the rifle, as if trying to convince Joshua that he wasn’t the threat. He wasn’t the bad guy. He  _ wasn’t. _ The only crime he'd committed was survival. “I couldn’t- I didn’t know.”

Benrey’s gaze caught something behind Gordon. “Uh… you might wanna shoot that.”

Gordon’s heart nearly stopped in his chest. “Shoot what?” He realized his mistake as soon as he heard something skittering across the floor. Before he could curse himself for wasting time asking questions, he turned to see what was approaching him.

Maybe he should have been relieved that the headcrab targeted  _ him _ instead of Joshua, but he mostly just regretted dropping the rifle.

And in the same moment that he moved to grab the rifle off the floor, he was plunged into darkness. He bolted upright and scrambled for a gun he couldn’t see. He moved to stand--had he fallen?--but the ground shifted beneath him.

“Fuck,” he muttered, kneeling and planting a hand beneath him to keep himself steady. The floor seemed to give under the pressure of his hand.

It was soft… this wasn’t a floor.

He curled his hand around into a fist, his fingers catching something. Fabric? His vision started to adjust a little, helped by the soft light coming in through the window.

Window?

Gordon looked around. He was sitting on a bed. Holding a blanket. There was moonlight in the window. His  _ bedroom _ window.

“...  _ fuck,” _ Gordon repeated tiredly. A nightmare. Of course it was. And _of_ _course_ his subconscious was using Joshua against him. He'd only had his son back for a week, and his brain was already weaponizing the fear that Joshua might hate him if the truth of what he did at Black Mesa ever got out.

He rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock. 2 a.m.

Running a hand through his hair, Gordon weighed his options. He could try to go back to sleep, try to convince himself that was strong enough to handle another nightmare. Or he could get up and… actually, no, scratch that one. It was too dark for that.

_ Don’t panic, _ Gordon told himself.  _ You’re home and it’s safe. This is a… safe… dark. _ Somehow, that didn’t make him feel any better.

His last option was to call someone, which… didn’t sound bad. Especially now that the dark seemed to be closing in on him a little. Normally he’d try to ignore the urge to reach out, but Tommy had  _ really _ been pushing the idea to get help when he needed it.

Tommy probably wouldn’t mind, right? It was late--well, it was  _ early, _ actually--but Tommy wouldn’t mind. He  _ told _ Gordon that he wouldn’t mind. He told Gordon that  _ several _ times.

So why was it so difficult to pick up the damn phone?

Finally, too exhausted to wrestle with his own internal protest, Gordon reached for the phone sitting on his nightstand. The clock read 2:15. He’d spent fifteen minutes trying to work up the courage to call his friend.

This was stupid.  _ Just call him. _

He shakily scrolled through his contacts until he found Tommy’s name. It was hard to see without his glasses, but he was already spiraling and didn’t feel like waiting to grab them. He tapped Tommy’s name and held the phone to his ear, listening to the phone ring and hoping Tommy would pick up.

_ “Yoooo, this is Tommy’s phone. Leave uh- leave a message after the… beep.” _

Gordon froze. That wasn’t Tommy. “Benrey?”

_ “Wha- Freeman? Bro, what are you… aren’t you s’posed to be sleepin’?” _ Benrey asked. _ “Tommy and Darnold, like, passed the fuck out around… ten, I think? What’re you doin’ up?” _

“I…” How did he explain this to Benrey?  _ Should _ he explain this to Benrey? “W-why do you have Tommy’s phone?”

Benrey clicked their tongue.  _ “Uh… I dunno. He left it. In the living room. Started makin’ noise, so I just- I picked it up.” _ There was a pause.  _ “Didn’t know it was gonna be you, though.” _

Gordon frowned. “You didn’t check the caller ID?”

_ “Huh?” _

“The- the caller ID. Didn’t you see it?”

_ “The fuck is a caller ID?” _

He sighed. “You know what? Never mind.”

Benrey hummed.  _ “M’kay.” _ There was another pause.  _ “You uh… didn’t answer my question, bro.” _

Now it was Gordon’s turn to say, “Huh?”

_ “I asked why you were up.” _

“Oh.” Gordon glanced at his bedroom door, barely visible in the dark. That was closed, right? He was pretty sure it was. It was closed, and nothing could get in, because he was  _ safe _ here. “I just… it’s- um…”

Benrey cleared their throat awkwardly.  _ “Or um- or I could… I’ll go get Tommy.” _ Their voice got quieter for a moment.  _ “Lemme just go-” _

“Don’t leave!” Gordon suddenly panicked. Would he have preferred Tommy pick up the phone? Yes. But at that moment, the  _ only _ thing stopping Gordon from panicking over the weird shadow in the corner was Benrey’s voice. “I mean… I don’t wanna bother Tommy if- if he’s, you know, already asleep, then I don’t-”

_ “Bro, are you okay?” _

Gordon hesitated. “I’m not- not sleeping great. Lately. Um…” He trailed off, his thoughts suddenly pulled in a thousand different directions. “I- I’m… look, it’s been a rough night, okay? Had a nightmare and-” He swallowed around the panic in his voice. “And it’s, like, dark as hell in my room. I’m freaking out a little.”

_ “You ‘fraid of the dark, bro?” _ Benrey asked.  _ “Should do something about that. S’kinda dumb.” _

“Fuck you Benrey,” Gordon said through gritted teeth. “I was  _ attacked _ in a dark room. I’m- I’m  _ well _ within my rights to be scared of the goddamn dark. You- y-you…  _ fuck.” _ He angrily wiped away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

Benrey was silent for a moment.  _ “I meant you should turn on a light.” _

Gordon struggled to pull in a breath. “W-what?” Slowly, what Benrey said started to register. “Oh. I don’t… I don’t even wanna get out of  _ bed, _ dude, I’m not- I can’t turn on my light right now.”

_ “Do the ‘out loud’ thing.” _

He tugged at a strand of hair, trying to make himself refocus on Benrey’s voice. “The what?”

_ “The thing with your uh- with your phone. Like, so I’m not talkin’ in your ear anymore.” _

Gordon forced his brain to put pieces together. “S- you mean speaker?”

_ “I dunno. Sure.” _

Slowly, irrationally nervous that Benrey was going to somehow do something through the phone, Gordon pulled their voice away from his ear and put them on speaker. “Okay? You’re, um, on speaker now.”

_ “Cool,” _ Benrey said.  _ “Now turn the flashlight on, idiot.” _

“What?”

_ “The flashlight? On your phone, bro. You- it’s got one, right?” _

It did. And Gordon felt stupid for not realizing it before. “Yeah, it… it does, actually.” He quickly turned on the flashlight and turned it to the corner of his room. The weird shadow was a jacket draped over his desk chair. Of course. “Can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

_ “Dumbass,” _ Benrey commented.  _ “Thought you were smart or something. Gonna have to uh… revoke your PhD, sir.” _

Despite the lingering panic, Gordon laughed. “Fucking- yeah, sure. Revoke my PhD. See how that goes.” He unsteadily got out of bed, freezing for a moment before making his way across the room. “You wouldn’t- you don’t have the ability to do that.” If he kept talking, he could move. Talking was distracting. Benrey was distracting.

_ “Wha- you doubtin’ my revoking abilities?” _ Benrey said in mock offense.  _ “Not cool, bro. M’gonna tell Tommy that you’re bein’ a Meanman.” _

Gordon flicked on his light, immediately flooded with relief. “I am  _ not _ being mean.”

_ “Rudeman.” _

“Quit- get some new material, man.” Gordon sat back down on his bed and turned the phone's light off. “I swear, all you do is cycle through the same four names.”

_ “Gaydon.” _

“You’re proving my point.” Gordon leaned back against his headboard. “What the fuck are you doing up, anyway?”

Benrey was quiet for a few seconds.  _ “Sleep is… like, totally bullshit.” _

Gordon hummed in agreement. “Yeah, no kidding. Total fucking bullshit.”

_ “Mm-hm,” _ they said absently.  _ “So I’m just uh… not doing that. Right now.” _

“Benrey, you can’t just  _ not _ sleep.”

_ “I dont uh… don’t hear you tryin’ to go back to sleep,” _ Benrey pointed out. _ “Sounds like… uh- double standards, friend. Wanna s’plain that?” _

Well, Benrey had him on that one. “Yeah, okay, fair. Guess I’m… not exactly a great example here.”

_ “The worst.” _

“Thanks,” Gordon replied dryly. Then a thought occurred to him. “Hey, wait a minute, how the fuck did you hear Tommy’s phone?”

_ “Huh?” _

“You said Tommy left his phone in the living room, right? And, like, the room you’re in is pretty far from the living room. How’d you hear it ringing?”

_ “Uh… it’s got a loud ringtone.” _

Gordon frowned. “No, it doesn’t. Tommy hates loud ringtones. He hates loud anything. I’m pretty sure his phone is set to vibrate.” Benrey was silent. “Dude, were you just… hanging out in the living room? Like, all fucking night?”

_ “Maybe,” _ Benrey said defensively.  _ “What’re you gonna do about it?” _

“Nothing,” Gordon said. ”Except maybe tell Tommy you’ve been wandering the house at night.”

_ “Snitches get bitches, Meanman.” _

“Snitches get  _ stitches,” _ Gordon corrected.

_ “You threatenin’ me now?” _ Benrey asked.  _ “That’s not uh… very cash money of you.” _

Gordon snorted. “You fucking asshole.” He blinked rapidly, willing the tiredness away. “Look, I told you why I’m up. Now it’s your turn. Fair’s fair, right?”

Benrey made an unsure noise.  _ “Dunno, man… s’kinda stupid, I think. You’re gonna laugh at me.” _

“No, I won’t,” Gordon promised. And he wouldn’t. This seemed important for reasons he couldn’t really place. The guy  _ did, _ just help him, after all. It seemed fair to listen.

_ “Um… well, it’s- the living room has a… it has a window.” _

Gordon waited for the rest of the explanation. “... and?”

_ “And the room doesn’t,” _ Benrey continued.  _ “I- I like… windows.” _

He raised an eyebrow. The gesture seemed appropriate, even if Benrey couldn’t see it. “You like windows.”

_ “Windows let me see outside,” _ Benrey said quietly.  _ “I um… I like when I can- I like seeing outside.” _ Gordon, genuinely surprised at the answer, couldn’t form a response.  _ “Told you. Stupid.” _

Gordon shook himself out of his trance. “No, that’s not- that’s not dumb.” He idly fidgeted with his hair. Hadn’t they mentioned something during the talk with Tommy? Something about… only being outside once. “Does this have anything to do with what you told me last week?”

Benrey inhaled sharply, like they hadn’t expected Gordon to ask. Like they’d forgotten they had let something slip.

“I fucking knew it. This  _ is _ about Black Mesa.” Gordon shook his head in disbelief. “Fuck, man, what’d they do to-”

_ “Leave a message after the beep.” _

“Benrey-”

_ “Beeeeeeeep.” _

Gordon sighed. “Okay, I get it. It’s a ‘not today’ thing.” He tried not to be frustrated about it, but it irked him somewhat that there was A Thing he didn’t know about Benrey. He blamed the scientist in him, constantly wanting answers. Especially if the answers were  _ right there _ in front of him.

Aside from the lack of answers, it also just felt unfair. Despite the insults, Benrey  _ had _ helped him, and Gordon felt like he’d hardly returned the favor by listening to them talk about the window in Tommy’s living room.

“Benrey, you should go lay down.”

_ “And let you have all the fun, uh… stayin’ awake and shit? Nah.” _

“I’m laying down too, man, just- you don’t even need to go back to your room, okay? Just lay down on the couch or something.”

_ “Eh,” _ Benrey said,  _ “not really my room, just stayin’ in there, but… whatever.” _ Gordon could hear them shifting, happy that they actually seemed to be following directions.  _ “What now, Bossman?” _

Gordon laid down and set the phone next to him. “Stop calling me stupid names. And I'm stressed the hell out, so we’re just gonna talk until we’re tired.”

_ “Sounds lame,” _ Benrey said.  _ “Lameman. Don’t even want to go to sleep, bro. ‘Sides, I’m bad at… the whole talkin’ thing.” _

“Well, then, I’ll talk,” Gordon said. “I need the distraction anyway.” He closed his eyes, feeling them burn with tiredness. “Any suggestions? Brain’s too slow to think of anything.”

Benrey was quiet for a while. Long enough that Gordon was half tempted to open his eyes to make sure the call was still connected. Just as he was about to check, he heard Benrey’s voice. Tentatively, almost embarrassed, they asked,  _ “Do you know how um… gravity? Do you know, like, what it is? Exactly?” _

“Uh-huh.”

_ “Can… can you explain it?” _

Gordon threw an arm over his closed eyes and yawned. “Uh… fuck it, sure. I can explain gravity.” He thought back to his college days, pulling the bits and pieces he remembered. “Gravity is this invisible force and uh… it kinda pulls two or more things together. It’s how we revolve around the sun, actually. And everything’s  _ got _ a gravitational pull, just some are more powerful than others.”

_ “Everything?” _

“Yep. Everything.”

_ “Do I got that? A gravitational pull?” _

“You’re part of everything, so… yeah.”

Benrey hummed in thought.  _ “How come stuff don’t, like, revolve around me then?” _

Gordon bit back a giggle at the image of random items revolving around Benrey. “Because the Earth’s gravity is stronger than yours.”

_ “Bullshit.” _

“Earth’s a hell of a lot bigger than you, dude.”

_ “Wait, it’s based on size?” _

He nodded before remembering that Benrey couldn’t see him. “Yeah, it- it’s all kinda based on size. So, like, the Earth revolves around the sun, because the sun is bigger. And we’re all stuck to the Earth because  _ it’s _ bigger than  _ us. _ Make sense?”

_ “Huh… cool.” _

Gordon smiled, remembering an odd fact. “It’s kinda funny, ‘cause gravity is actually the  _ weakest _ force on Earth.”

_ “Nuh-uh.” _

“It is! There’s four forces on Earth and gravity is the weakest.”

_ “Fuckin’- that shit keeps everything, like, attached to the planet, right? How the fuck?” _

It had confused Gordon the first time he heard it too, so he wasn’t exactly surprised that the alien didn’t quite grasp the concept. “It’s- like, okay. If you drop a book, it falls, right?”

_ “I’m not- I said I dunno what gravity is, but I’m not fuckin’ stupid.” _

“Work with me here,” Gordon said. “If you drop a book, it falls because of Earth’s gravity. So when you pick it up, you’ve basically just beat the gravity of the  _ entire _ planet.”

_ “Bro, are you for serious?” _ Benrey asked incredulously.  _ “Gravity is totally fuckin’ weaksauce! That's the- that's fucked.” _

Gordon, feeling calmer and absolutely exhausted, grabbed his phone and got up to turn off the light. “Sure is, bud. Welcome to Earth.”

_ “How do you know it’s… what if it just stops working one day?” _

“Won’t happen,” Gordon assured them. He braced himself for the darkened room before turning off the light, relieved that the moon in the window gave him enough light to get back to bed.

Benrey made a doubtful noise.  _ “Dunno ‘bout that,” _ they said.  _ “M’gonna have to… check that shit.” _

Gordon laid back down, not even attempting to keep his eyes open anymore. “How?”

_ “Uh… like this.” _ Gordon heard a faint rustling, then a much louder noise that sounded suspiciously like something falling.  _ “Ow.” _

“You- did you just roll off the couch?”

_ “Gravity check,” _ Benrey replied.  _ “Shit works.” _

Gordon wheezed. “Dude, I’m- I’m too tired to laugh right now, but I’m going to  _ lose _ it when I wake up later and remember this.”

Benrey yawned.  _ “Yo, the fuck? Think I’m catchin’ your tired, Sleepman.” _

“Then go to sleep.” Gordon rolled over onto his side. “Not… not on the floor, though. Get back on the couch. Or go to bed.”

_ “Fine.” _ Benrey yawned again.  _ “Fuck, I think… I think that shit’s actually contagious. Sleep disease.” _

“Benrey?”

_ “Yeah?” _

“Thanks.”

_ “... whatever, bro. Just uh- don’t have anymore cringe-fail dreams.” _

If Gordon’s eyes had been open, he would have rolled them. “Good night, Benrey.”

_ “Night, Gordon.” _

Benrey disconnected the call before Gordon could. Not that he was complaining, of course, because now he didn’t have to open his eyes. The phone could stay where it was. He’d find it in the morning.

With the last of his nightmare shaken off, he found it a lot easier to let himself relax. After just a few moments of laying in comfortable quiet, he drifted into a peacefully dreamless sleep, his first in a while. But not before the last wisps of consciousness realized Benrey had called him by his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not look at me, I do not wish to be perceived. I'm pretty sure the tone for this chapter clashes real hard with the previous chapters, so I'm sorry if this gives anyone, like, tonal whiplash or something.
> 
> Honestly, this was kind of just filler for Benrey's next chapter. I wanted to keep the alternating POV going, but Benrey has A Thing coming up and it's important, so I had to do something not super plot based for Gordon's chapter. So... yee. Sorry if that sucked.
> 
> And a quick side note: No! Gordon and Benrey are not done healing! :) They put a lot easily withdrawn trust in each other this chapter, mostly out of tired desperation for company. There are still going to be plenty of ~issues~


	17. Feelings and How to Deal With Them (or not)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Benrey doesn't know how to deal with the feels and it's A Problem. Don't worry, good friend Tommy is here to help! (featuring Sunkist: the goodest girl)
> 
> Not me projecting my issues with grief onto Benrey, lmao. I'm sorry if you're here for the Frenrey, I promise we're gonna get back to our regularly scheduled Gordon/Benrey bonding momence really, really soon. I just wanna have good friend Tommy momence for a little bit, please and thank you.

Benrey woke up on the floor. Which, their sleep-muddled brain reminded them, they weren’t supposed to do. “Aw, fuck…” They sat up and rubbed the sleep out of their eyes. There was sunlight in the window, so it was morning. Or, at least, it was _day._ Maybe they slept through the morning again. Who knows?

Glancing around, they spotted Tommy’s phone under the coffee table. They were pretty sure they hadn’t put it there, but it was possible they’d bumped it or something while they were asleep.

They took the phone and stood, ignoring the way every muscle protested. The worst part of sleeping was definitely the actual getting up part. They hated sleeping in general, but trying to force their brain to be awake was the _worst._ How did humans do this all the time?

Oh well. They were just gonna have to get used to it.

A noise from the kitchen tugged at Benrey’s attention, only vaguely aware that it was probably just Tommy. Tired brain said ‘must investigate’, so that’s what Benrey did. Besides, something smelled nice.

They found Tommy standing next to the… coffee thing. Coffee pot (they weren’t awake enough for this yet). And he seemed pleasantly surprised to see them. “You- you’re up early. Sleep okay?”

Benrey squinted at Tommy. The man was far too cheerful in the mornings. “What time is it?”

“Little after, uh, nine,” Tommy replied. “You slept- you must have gone to bed early. What time did you fall asleep?”

“I dunno… before three.” They held out Tommy’s phone. “Phone. You left it. In the living room.”

“Ah! I was wondering where that- where I put that.” Tommy slipped the phone into his pocket. “You want something for breakfast? You’re finally- finally up early enough to have a proper one.”

Benrey ignored the light-hearted jab at their sleep schedule. “Mm-hm. Bakfist.” What did humans eat for breakfast again? Their experience with it was kind of limited. “What kind of… uh- what are breakfasts?”

Tommy nodded to a cabinet. “There’s some cereal up there, if- if you want. You know where the bowls are and, uh, there’s milk in the fridge.”

Cereal. Sure. Benrey knew how to- well, they were sure they could figure it out, anyway. They knew what it looked like. It was two ingredients. In a bowl. People did this all the time, even with ‘just woke up stupid tired’ brains. Actually, cereal was almost _exclusively_ made with ‘just woke up stupid tired’ brains.

“Got this,” Benrey muttered. They reached into the cabinet with all the bowls, pulling down a random one without really looking at it. “Darnold still around?”

“No,” Tommy said. “He, uh, left about… an hour ago, I think? Had some work to do on a- a new soda flavor.” He then makes a confused sound. “Uh, Benrey? You’re not supposed to- you’re supposed to pour the cereal first, not- not the milk.”

Benrey had grabbed the milk while Tommy was talking and poured it into the bowl. But now they stopped, a little more confused than they’d like to admit. “Uh… why?”

“Because it’s, um, not how you’re supposed to do it,” Tommy said, “You gotta put the- the cereal in the bowl first.”

They shrugged. “Too late now. I uh… I’ll get it next time. Get them pro cereal-makin’ strats.”

Tommy laughed. “If- if you say so, Benrey.” He took a mug off the small shelf next to the coffee pot. “Do you want some coffee?” He paused. “A-actually, do you- have you ever had coffee?”

“No,” Benrey replied as they put the milk away. “Uh- I’ll try, though. Bean water.”

“Ew, don’t- don’t call it ‘bean water’,” Tommy caught the fridge before it closed to grab the coffee creamer out of the door, “that makes it sound gross.”

Benrey smiled. “Hot bean juice.” They heard Tommy protesting, but only half-listened. It was nice to talk to Tommy again, without all the awkward tension and secrets and other assorted bullshit. Plus, they were learning a lot. Like how to make cereal.

They reached for a red box of cereal while Tommy explained the details of coffee and how it was made and how it was _definitely_ more than just ‘hot bean juice’. He’d once told Benrey that companies colored certain boxes so that they stood out to customers. It was like the coloring on poison dart frogs, but in reverse. People _wanted_ to grab the brightly colored boxes.

To be fair though, Benrey would also like to grab a poison dart frog. Little fuckers looked so _cool._

Benrey stared at the box for a moment, momentarily confused by the white box with the black text until they realized that it was the _back_ of the box (stupid tired brain). So they flipped the box over to see what the fuck they’d grabbed.

And immediately wished they hadn’t grabbed it.

It felt stupid, having such a visceral reaction to Toucan Sam, but Benrey’s grip made dents in the cardboard box. They wanted to put the box away and grab something else. They could do that, right? That wouldn’t look weird. Just browsing the cereal options.

But they couldn’t make themself put it back. They were aware that they were just standing there, and Tommy wouldn’t know _why_ they were just standing there, and it was weird because people didn’t usually just _stare_ at boxes of cereal.

Gordon probably thought Benrey was just being a dick when they said that the security guards were thinking of Froot Loops, but it was really just a joke that Gordon didn’t understand. None of the scientists at Black Mesa would. Because the joke wasn’t _for_ them.

They used to visit the security team’s break room all the time, both for breaks and aimless wandering, and the _one thing_ that was consistent in that room was the box of cereal by the microwave. It was almost always Froot Loops, unless someone _boring_ got the cereal.

The security team had gotten more than a few subtle messages from the higher ups that they shouldn’t be eating in there early in the morning, and this was their own subtle retaliation. Because, according to Josh and Jefferem, ‘they didn’t get paid enough to not eat in their own break room’.

So if the security guards were thinking about Froot Loops, it was really none of the scientists’ concern. Because it was _their_ thing. The _security guards’_ thing. It was _Josh and Jefferem’s_ thing and they were _still_ holding the stupid box-

“Benrey?”

 _Fuck._ Benrey shook themself, trying to force whatever was burning in their throat back to where it came from. It wasn’t Sweet Voice, they were sure, but it felt just as telling. They swallowed it down so they could tell Tommy that they were fine, but the words felt stuck in their throat.

The box of cereal was gently taken from their hand. The cardboard was only _slightly_ crushed where their hand had been. “Benrey, do you want- there’s other cereal. If you, uh- if you want something else.” Benrey nodded, their voice still escaping them. “Let’s, um… let’s try Lucky Charms. Y-you seem like a Lucky Charms kind of person.”

Tommy carefully demonstrated how to pour cereal without getting it all over the counter, but Benrey barely heard it. They focused on tapping their arm instead. It was keeping them in this moment, with Tommy and Lucky Charms.

Benrey _would_ try and tap all their thoughts back into place, but Tommy always seemed to worry when they tapped their head like that. They didn’t want to worry Tommy anymore than they already did. They could handle this.

They took the spoon Tommy was handing them--when had he grabbed that?--and sat down at the kitchen table. Tommy had his coffee and something that looked like a naked donut. Benrey would laugh about that later, probably.

 _Bagel,_ they remembered. _It's a fuckin' bagel._

“Do you, um- do you wanna talk about it?” Tommy asked. Benrey glanced up from their bowl. “Or… _can_ you talk about it?” They shook their head. “Okay. Then, uh, do you think we can try- can you do yes or no questions?”

Could they? It seemed simple enough, so long as Tommy didn’t ask anything too complicated. They gave Tommy a nod and tried their first bite of Lucky Charms. They quickly found that the marshmallows were their favorite part. They should have tried this whole _eating_ thing earlier.

Tommy blew on his coffee gently before asking, “Did the Froot Loops trigger something?”

Benrey shook their head. ‘Trigger’ was one of those trauma words, right? They didn’t have that. And even if they did, it didn’t feel like the Froot Loops really _triggered_ something as much as it just… made them feel bad.

“So, did it- did it make you _sad?”_

They shook their head again. Not because Tommy’s second guess was wrong, just that Benrey didn’t want to admit that he was _right._ They didn’t need to be sad, they _needed_ to be _fine._

Silence stretched between them for a moment, Tommy taking a sip of his coffee. “You know it’s- it’s okay to be sad sometimes.”

Benrey didn’t really have a way to communicate that it felt very _not_ okay to be sad, so they just shrugged, hoping Tommy would understand that they were indifferent to the concept of being upset.

“Really, it’s okay,” Tommy insisted. “I’m- I won’t make you talk about it if, uh- if you’re not ready, but-” Benrey shook their head adamantly. “But you need to be _honest,”_ Tommy continued. “We- we talked about that, remember? If something’s wrong then-”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Benrey said quietly, their voice shaking more than they’d like.

Tommy frowned. “It… kinda _seemed_ like something was wrong.” Benrey shoved another spoonful of cereal in their mouth to avoid answering. “Are you trying to avoid saying- avoid telling me something? Because you can tell me-”

“No.”

“Benrey, your arm.”

Benrey blinked, finally registering the pain in their forearm. Apparently, their hand had decided to stop tapping and start digging into their skin until it hurt. Great. Their body just kept finding new ways to cause itself pain. They pried their hand away and hastily took another bite of cereal. They were worrying Tommy again. Why did they keep _doing_ that?

“Benrey do you need- do you want me to go get your helmet?”

_“No!”_

The shout escaped them before they could stop it. Tommy looked shocked at the sudden shift in volume, and Benrey might have cursed themself if they could find their voice again.

Why were they yelling? They weren’t even mad, but they were _yelling._ Were they mad? Why would they be mad? There wasn’t anything to be mad _about._

Tommy was staring at them, they could feel it, but they didn’t dare meet his gaze. What the fuck _was_ that? That wasn’t how they were supposed to react. They didn’t really know how they _were_ supposed to react, but it wasn’t _that._

“This… this is about Black Mesa, isn’t it.” Could something be a question if you already knew the answer? It seemed like it _could_ be a question, but the tone was far too knowing for Tommy to be expecting a ‘no’. “It’s okay if it is. The incident… Resonance Cascade took- took its toll on everyone. Even you.”

Benrey struggled for a moment to find the words to get what they needed to say across, but the words still weren’t coming. None of this was helped by the fact that they couldn’t even place _what_ they were feeling, much less _why._

They knew angry. They knew sad. They knew _guilty._ This didn’t _feel_ like any of those, but… it felt like all of those at once, somehow. It was complicated. It was empty. It was painfully numb, so hollow that ached, and they didn’t know how that worked. They just knew that it sucked.

That wasn’t a strong enough word, but they didn’t have a better one.

“Do you want sugar in your coffee?”

Benrey jolted, seeing Tommy’s coffee mug across from them but no Tommy. They turned, trying to place Tommy’s voice, and found him back by the coffee pot with a second mug.

“Most- most people like sugar in their coffee,” Tommy said. “And, uh- coffee creamer. Which is- it’s kind of like milk?” He started pouring the coffee and hummed in consideration. “Actually, you’ve never had coffee before, and it’s, uh- I make mine kinda strong, so I’ll go ahead and- I’ll put some in there.”

Was Tommy… _avoiding_ the conversation now? Benrey felt relieved that he’d dropped it, but they still couldn’t help but feel like there was something about the situation that they were handling _wrong._

“Your cereal is gonna get soggy,” Tommy commented. “You should - should probably, uh, finish up.”

They nodded dumbly and went back to eating, barely registering when Tommy set the coffee next to them.

Tommy picked up his own mug and swirled it around idly. “Careful when you drink, uh- take a drink, okay? It’s really hot.” Benrey nodded slowly. “And when you’re done, we can- I’ve got some clothes you can go through. Just some things I don’t- don’t wear anymore. Think I’ve got a- couple of hats you could try too, if you, uh, think you might like that sort of thing.”

Benrey stared up at him, trying to piece together why Tommy had changed the subject so quickly.

Then it dawned on them that he _hadn’t_ changed the subject. Not really, anyway. It was disguised by Tommy’s suggestion to go through his other clothes, but he was offering Benrey a replacement for their helmet. And he was offering _without_ trying to pry into what happened.

They _really_ did not deserve Tommy.

It didn’t take long for Benrey to finish, mostly because they had something to take their mind off of… everything. The feeling still lingered though, even as they took their cup of coffee and followed Tommy to his room. He pushed the partially open door, giving Benrey a full view of the room as they entered.

Tommy’s room was the exact opposite of the one Benrey was staying in. There were pictures everywhere, a couple of small stuffed animals on the desk, and the walls were painted a light shade of blue that gave the room a calming sort of feel.

There was also a window, framed by white curtains that seemed to be more for decoration than actually blocking the window. Benrey suspected that the rolled up blinds would block the sunlight better anyway.

Sunkist, who had been laying at the foot of the bed, perked up as soon as Tommy and Benrey entered the room. Tommy paused to pet her before going to his closet. “I’m not, uh, gonna make you try these on right now. I’ll just lay the clothes on the- on the bed, and you can pick whatever you’d like.”

Benrey nodded and sat on the floor next to Sunkist. They scratched behind her ears idly and carefully sipped the coffee Tommy had made for them. It wasn’t bad, just different than most other things they’d tried so far (which, admittedly, wasn’t a lot). It tasted like being awake. Bittersweet, and like most people don’t actually like it, but considered it necessary.

Tommy pulled a few shirts and inspected them closely before tossing them over Benrey and onto the bed. “I- I noticed you seem, uh, more comfortable in long sleeves? I don’t have many- I don’t have a lot of long sleeved shirts, but I’ve got- there’s a jacket or two in here. So you can wear them over the sleeves, uh- the short sleeves.”

Yeah, they _definitely_ didn’t deserve Tommy. Nobody did. Tommy was too good.

“Oh!” Tommy exclaimed happily. “Here’s what I was look- looking for.” Tommy walked over to Benrey, setting another small pile of clothes on the bed and holding out something Benrey didn’t recognize. “It’s called a- a chullo, I think. It’s a hat!”

Benrey took the small bundle of purple fabric and considered it. They knew it went on their head, because that’s what you did with hats, but the strings were throwing them for a loop. Did they serve a purpose? Were they supposed to tie the strings somehow?

“Here,” Tommy took the chullo and tugged it over their head, “it goes like- like this. See?” He stepped back with a smile. “You like it?”

They couldn’t answer for a moment, reeling from the cloth covering their hair. It was kind of like their helmet, just… _softer._ And with bonus strings. They tugged one with the hand that wasn’t holding their coffee. Their bangs stuck out a little in the front, which never happened with their helmet, but it was nice. It covered their head and their ears, the light pressure was like a hug for their brain.

Benrey felt emotions burning in their throat again, but for entirely different reasons. “Thanks,” they said quietly.

Tommy smiled. “Of course,” he replied, like it was nothing. Like he hadn’t just fixed one of the biggest problems Benrey had since coming back to life. “I hope that it, uh, helps.”

“Mm-hm,” Benrey took another drink of coffee and stood, glancing over the clothes Tommy had set out. “You um… sure you don’t want these, bro?”

“Nope!” Tommy went back to his closet. “They’re, uh- some of it is just stuff I bought on impulse. Others just don’t- they don’t fit as well as I thought they would? But they’ll probably fit you better. Not perfect, but… you know.”

Benrey nodded, sifting through the clothes and setting aside anything that caught their eye. They looked through a few of the ones with pictures, but immediately reconsidered once they felt the actual texture. “Eh, don’t like that. What is- no. Hate it.”

Tommy laughed. “Bad texture, huh?”

“Bad,” Benrey agreed. They pulled out anything that didn’t have a picture on it. Even if they _didn’t_ have the worst texture Benrey had ever felt, Benrey wasn’t sure they’d like the graphic tees anyway. They’d spent so long wearing a uniform that anything outside of a plain shirt felt… _off._ Even the soft sweatpants were pushing it a little. It was comfortable to wear, but unfamiliar. Informal.

Casual clothes weren’t exactly their area of expertise. Casual _anything_ was pretty much uncharted territory, aside from videogames in their downtime, but their only _real_ experience with videogames was with-

Benrey paused, then set their cup on Tommy’s nightstand. “I don’t know why it feels angry.”

Tommy continued sorting through things in his closet. “What- what feels angry?”

“I dunno. Everything.” Benrey tugged on the strings of their new hat. “M’not tryin’ to be angry, but… I don’t know. Feels that way. Sucks.”

“Hm,” Tommy closed his closet. “Well… that’s normal sometimes. Can I ask what, uh- what are you angry about?”

They hesitated. Josh and Jefferem were still a subject they couldn’t tackle without feeling like some sort of dam was going to break. Maybe they could be vague about it. “I lost something. It was kinda- it was important. And now it’s uh… gone.”

Sunkist, damn that perfect dog, butted against their leg. That was all Tommy needed to be concerned. “Benrey, you can- it’s okay to feel… _bad._ Even if you don’t- don’t know _why_ you feel bad, it’s just… sometimes that happens. It’s okay.”

“Mm.” Benrey shoved the clothes aside and sat down on the bed. “Does it- when does it _stop_ feeling bad?”

Tommy sat down next to them. “Depends. Sometimes never.”

Benrey bit their lip. “Never?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes it’s, uh- it sticks with you. You have good days and bad days. And worse days.” Tommy leaned forward, encouraging Benrey to look at him. “But it _does_ get better. You’ve got to, uh- you’ve got to let yourself feel it first, though.”

“What if I don’t wanna?”

Sunkist whined, putting her head in Benrey’s lap.

“That’s called, uh, denial?” Tommy said. “And it’s… not good, but’s it- that’s normal, too.” He rocked back and forth for a moment. “I know you don’t know much about… feelings. But if you have questions, just- you can ask. You know I don’t mind.”

“I know.”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Well, it’s, uh, not enough that you _know,_ it’s… you _need_ to.” He ran a hand through Sunkist’s fur. “You just- you can’t just _yell_ at people, especially if they don’t know what’s wrong. Can’t read your mind, you know? You have to, uh, tell people when you’re upset.”

Benrey winced. “Yeah… sorry ’bout that.”

“It’s okay,” Tommy told them. “Just, uh, next time… you know. You don’t have to tell me what’s _wrong,_ just tell me that you feel bad. We’ll work it out from there.”

“M’kay. I can do that.” Benrey stopped tugging the strings on their hat. “You’re the real MVP, Tommy. Big brain. Wish I had a big brain like yours.”

Tommy laughed. “Thanks, Benrey, but I- you’ve got a big brain, too.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Yeah-huh!” Tommy said, “You’ve just got braining for different things. Like patterns! And, uh, puzzles. You were- in Black Mesa, you were always great at the puzzles.”

Benrey tilted their head in confusion. Sunkist, adorably, mirrored them with her own head tilt. “Puzzles are a smart thing?”

“It is when you, uh, beat my high score in Tetris on the first try,” Tommy faked a pout. “I spent- it took me months to get that high score.”

They grinned. “Uh- sorry about your luck, bro. Sorry I’ve got… mad Tetris skills and you don’t. Sucks to suck.”

“Oh, sh- you be quiet.” Tommy picked up a stray shirt and threw it at their face. _“You_ suck.”

“I mean uh… if that’s what you’re into-”

 _“Benrey!”_ Tommy shrieked with a surprised giggle. “You can’t- _why?!”_

Benrey shrugged. “Why not? S’funny.”

Tommy wheezed. “If you keep making comments like that, you- no one will be able to, uh, tell when you’re kidding.” He paused, suddenly deep in thought. “You know, that, uh- that might be why Mr. Freeman never realized you were flirting with him.”

“Huh? Oh.” Benrey frowned. “I dunno. Maybe. Bubby and Coomer said he's just... oblivious or somethin'.”

“He’s that, too,” Tommy said. “But you can be a- a little… _crass.”_ He pointed an accusing finger at Benrey. “And don’t- don’t say that sounds like ass.”

Benrey refrained from mentioning how that sounded like ‘ass’. “What’s that mean?”

“Insensitive,” Tommy defined. “Or lacking, um, refinement? You shouldn’t- you should just put more… _thought._ Into what you’re saying to him.”

“So… I should flirt… _smarter?”_ Benrey asked.

Tommy beamed. “Yeah! You should flirt smarter!”

They blinked. “How the fuck- what does that mean?”

Their very, very helpful friend merely shrugged. “You’ll figure it out.” He stood and looked over the two piles of clothes. “I’m guessing these are the ones you want to, uh, keep?” he asked, gesturing to the pile of clothes _without_ the graphic tees.

“Yeah.” Benrey gently pushed Sunkist's head out of their lap and stood. “Uh- thanks again for… all this.” They batted at one of the strings by their face (god, that shit was so satisfying). “This is a great cool.”

Tommy nudged their shoulder. “Don’t- you don’t have to thank me. You’re my friend. This is, uh, what friends do. Can’t have my friend wearing the same clothes every- every single day.” His smile faltered for a moment. “I mean, I’m- I’m sure you got tired of wearing the same thing every day. At Black Mesa. So…”

It took Benrey a moment to place the expression on Tommy’s face. Then they noticed Tommy fidgeting with the hem of their shirt and realized why it looked so familiar. Tommy felt _guilty._

Benrey thought for a few seconds about what they could say, eventually settling on, “Wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well…” Tommy gathered the clothes that Benrey didn’t want and started putting them back the far corner of his closet. “We don’t- don’t always get to pick the, uh, emotions. Right?”

Right. Irrational anger. Undeserved guilt. Benrey was beginning to realize that every single emotion on the spectrum worked in _very_ stupid ways. “Yeah. Feelings are dumb.” They wracked their brain for a solution. Or at least something to take Tommy’s mind off things, like he’d done for them. “You wanna… watch cartoons about it?”

Tommy smiled, as though realizing what Benrey was trying to do. “Yeah, uh… let’s put the rest of these in your room and- and then we’ll find something. Netflix, maybe?”

“I’m all Netflix and no chill, bro.” Benrey gathered all their new clothes into an awkward lump and lifted it. “Let’s get this bread.”

“Benrey,” Tommy snickered as they started walking away. “Benrey, you… you’re dropping the- _Benrey!”_

They were well aware that they were losing more than a few articles of clothing as they walked, but their arms were too occupied to try and pick anything up. “Sorry,” Benrey called over their shoulder. “Can’t hear you over the sound of my uh… epic carrying skills.”

Tommy followed after them. “I’m not- I’m not picking these up!”

“Boooooo!” Benrey complained, gently kicking their door open. “Gonna make me backtrack? Rude.”

“You’re dropping clothes on my- on my floor!” Tommy protested. “I’m- I’m gonna throw these at you!”

“Rude!” Benrey reiterated, shoving clothes haphazardly in the dresser without bothering to fold any of them. They turned just in time to get a face full of cloth. “Hey!”

Tommy was hiding a smile with his hand when Benrey managed to get the clothes off their face. “Sorry! You weren’t- I didn’t think you were gonna, uh, turn around so fast.”

Benrey readjusted their chullo. “S’whatever. I’ll get you back later.” They closed the drawer and followed Tommy and Sunkist to the living room, already planning to hit Tommy with a pillow as soon as he was distracted by whatever cartoon they decided to watch.

Still, even as Tommy turned on _She-Ra_ (which was about a lesbian with a magic sword, apparently), Benrey could feel Josh and Jefferem tugging at their thoughts. They were starting to understand what Tommy meant by sometimes it never really went away. But it wasn’t as bad as it was, which Benrey was choosing to take as a win.

Maybe Tommy was right. Maybe they _were_ gonna have to let themself feel the loss eventually, but today was not that day. They had a new hat, and new clothes, and a good friend to watch gay cartoons with. That was good enough.

And about halfway through the first episode, they remembered, "Fuck. I left my coffee in your room."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Denial! Anger! Benrey is going through it, baby! The Five Stages of Grief! Writing a grieving character is interesting, especially when they're an alien that's only come to grasp the concept of mortality a few months ago and at the expense of their own death.
> 
> On a lighter note, we're back with Joshua and Gordon next chapter! And they've got two very special guests: THE GRANDPAS! Woo!


	18. Lane of Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GRANDPA TIME GRANDPA TIME GRANDPA TIME, YEE-HAW
> 
> Warning, this chapter sucks, this chapter is *major* sucks, but I dunno how to fix it. It's longer than I meant it to be, but I hope it's not too boring of a read.

Gordon woke up late. He’d meant to get up at around eight so he had plenty of time to get Joshua ready to meet Bubby and Dr. Coomer, but looking at the phone he’d left laying beside him on the bed, he saw it was nearly ten-thirty.

He still had plenty of time, fortunately. They weren’t supposed to meet Bubby and Dr. Coomer at the local bowling alley until noon, but Gordon still would have liked a little extra time to get Joshua ready. Usually his sleep was restless enough that he was up as soon as there was sunlight in the window, but he’d slept surprisingly hard.

And, all in all, it’d been a fairly _peaceful_ sleep. Well, aside from the nightmare, of course, but Benrey had helped with that. Which Gordon couldn’t quite believe, honestly. He wouldn’t call their conversation meaningful, exactly, and they definitely still weren’t friends, but it was something.

It’d been more than just ‘something’, actually. The conversation had been _good._ There’d been some Benrey shenanigans, but the name-calling and the teasing was far less aggravating than he remembered. Probably because he wasn’t surrounded by aliens and fighting for his life.

They were an asshole, that much Gordon was sure of, but… he could admit he’d met worse assholes in his lifetime. Most assholes he knew wouldn’t talk him through turning on his own bedroom light. Or stay up with him for a few extra minutes to help him out of a panic. Or roll off a couch to see if gravity worked.

Gordon got out of bed, chuckling to himself at the memory. He almost wished he could have seen it. And he’d like to think that Benrey had listened to him and went to bed, but if he knew them as well as he thought he did, then he wouldn’t put it past them to just pass out on the floor.

He was tempted to call and ask, but it seemed a little outside of the current comfort zone. Talking to Benrey as an alternative to Tommy was one thing, _actively_ seeking a conversation with them was another. It felt like crossing a line.

But he could worry about that later. Right now, he had to get Joshua ready to go and-

Oh _shit,_ Joshua was probably already awake.

Joshua was a _wonderful_ kid, but that didn’t stop Gordon from panicking immediately. A three year old, no matter how well-behaved, should _not_ be trusted to have free reign of the house. Walking out of his room, he couldn’t see any immediate disaster, which was good, but he also couldn’t see his son. “Joshua?”

“Hi, Daddy!” Joshua said from the couch. Gordon felt relieved until he followed up with, “I made breakfast!”

Gordon closed his eyes. He couldn’t blame Joshua for fending for himself, considering he wasn’t awake to make breakfast for him. “Oh, yeah? What’d you make?”

“Cimanim Toast Crunch,” Joshua answered.

“Oh.” Gordon glanced into the kitchen. The damage wasn’t as bad as he was expecting. Joshua had managed to get his bowl and spoon in the sink, and the milk was back in the fridge, but there was a mess on the table and the box of cereal was open on the counter.

Not bad for a three year old, all things considered. Gordon was just glad nothing was broken.

He started cleaning up the mess, closing up the box and putting it in the pantry. “Hey, Joshie? Buddy? Next time you get up before me, come wake me up, okay?”

“I looked.” Joshua stood to look over the back of the couch at him. “You were sleepy, and Papa said you needed lots of rest. So I didn’t wake you up.”

Gordon chuckled to himself. It was sweet, but it wasn’t his son’s place to determine whether or not he was getting enough rest. His ex maybe could have explained the situation a little better, but Gordon could hardly be mad. He _did_ spend almost three and a half months in recovery, after all. “Joshua, that… that’s nice of you, but Papa Eric knows that Daddy’s doing a lot better now.”

“Are you sure?” Joshua asked.

“Yes, Joshie, I’m sure. You’re allowed to wake me up if you need me.” Gordon scrubbed the remaining sleep out of his eyes. “Besides, I slept _way_ longer than I meant to.” He was calling it a fluke that he’d slept so hard after his conversation with Benrey, but it wouldn’t hurt to set an alarm just in case. God forbid Joshua wake up alone one day and decide to use the oven.

Joshua watched him run a few paper towels under the faucet to start cleaning up the mess of milk and cereal on the table. “Are your friends still coming over?” he asked hopefully.

“They sure are,” Gordon replied as he wiped down the table. “We’re gonna meet them at the bowling alley in about… an hour and a half or so.”

His son bounced up and down on the couch excitedly. “Can I bring Cashew?”

It took Gordon a moment to remember that ‘Cashew’ was the name of Joshua’s toy horse. “Sure,” he said. “We’ll just have to make we don’t leave him, okay?”

“I won’t leave him! I _extra_ promise.”

Gordon chuckled. “You _extra_ promise, huh? Can you extra promise to stop jumping on the couch, please?” Joshua pouted, but stopped. “Thank you.” He tossed the used paper towels in the trash. “We should probably go ahead and start getting ready here pretty soon. Or at least get dressed.”

“Cowboy?” Joshua asked.

His ex had sent Joshua with a cowboy costume along with his regular clothes. Costume was a bit of a loose term, it was really just a button up shirt with a vest, but coupled with a pair of jeans, his cowboy hat, and boots, it did vaguely resemble something you’d see in an old western. Not that westerns were accurate, anyway.

But he wasn’t about to ruin Joshua’s fun by saying his get-up was technically inaccurate. “Absolutely. I bet Dr. Coomer and Bubby would love to see your cowboy outfit.” Dr. Coomer would also have an entire Wikipedia to recite about it. He wondered if Joshua would be surprised to know that the idea originated from the Mexican term _vaquero._

Joshua clapped happily, sliding off the couch and running to his room.”Come on!”

“Oh, we’re getting dressed right _now?”_ Gordon followed Joshua to his room. “Alright, Cowboy, I’m coming.” He debated whether or not he should get himself some breakfast. He could probably survive on a cup of coffee until lunch, he just had to hope that Bubby and Dr. Coomer wouldn’t ask.

A change of clothes and an episode of ‘Britter Baking’ later, Gordon started his mental checklist to make sure that he and Joshua were ready to go. “Wallet, keys, phone… Joshie, do you have Cashew?” Joshua shook his head. “Go get him real quick, yeah? Let’s get ready to go.”

He ducked into the bathroom to snag a hair tie. Thanks to his hand, he wasn’t going to be doing much bowling, but he’d still like his hair to be out of his face so he could help Joshua.

A tug on a pant-leg grabbed his attention while he wrestled with his hair. “What’s up, bud?”

“Can you help me tie my bananda?”

Gordon finished pulling his hair through the tie and knelt. “What color bandana did you pick today, Cowboy? Red or blue?” Joshua held out his blue bandana. “Good choice. Turn around for me, and I’ll get this tied.” It went nicely with his green button-up flannel. Really tied together the whole look.

Joshua was still while Gordon tied the bandana loosely around his neck, careful not to get any hair caught in the knot. “Are your friends nice?”

“My friends? Yeah, they’re nice.” Gordon gently turned Joshua and uncrumpled the point of the bandana. “Dr. Coomer likes to talk a lot and… well, Bubby sounds kinda mean sometimes, but he’s real squishy on the inside.”

“Hm.” Joshua adjusted the bandana so that it was sitting slightly off center. “Will they say grown-up words?”

The question pulled a nervous laugh from him. “I hope not. I’ll ask them to keep the grown-up words to themselves, okay?” He doubted that would stop them, but he hoped they’d at least dial it back a _little._ Last thing he needed was for Joshua to go back to his ex’s with a colorful new vocabulary. “You ready to go bowling?”

“Yep!”

The bowling alley wasn’t too far, maybe about a fifteen minute drive. They’d definitely be arriving early, but Gordon figured it’d be better early than late, especially if Bubby and Dr. Coomer decided to show up early too. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Bubby and Dr. Coomer to be in a public area by themselves….

It was just that he would feel _better_ if they had supervision.

Besides, Joshua hadn’t done much while staying with Gordon. He figured Joshua would want to get out of the house for a while, even if it _was_ just to the bowling alley. Of course, he’d considered the park, but he could only imagine what those two would do if given access to playground equipment.

Joshua asked a few questions while they drove, but Gordon didn’t mind answering them. They might have seemed like odd questions if it was any other three year old asking. Like, “Are Buddy and Mr. Cooper aliens, like Tommy?”

“It’s _Bubby_ and _Dr. Coomer,”_ Gordon corrected. “And, no, neither of them are aliens. They’re human, like Darnold.”

“That’s boring.”

Gordon glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “We’re human too, bud. Just normal human people.” He let his gaze return to the road. “Besides, I can _promise_ that Bubby and Dr. Coomer aren’t boring.” The exact opposite of boring, really. They knew how to keep Gordon on his toes, that was for sure. “Dr. Coomer is _super_ strong, and Bubby is… kinda like a firebender, I guess.”

“Are they super heroes?”

“Nope,” Gordon said. “They’re just people. People with crazy powers, maybe, but still people.”

There was a couple minutes of silence before Joshua asked, “How come Papa doesn’t have friends like yours?”

How did three year olds manage to ask simple questions with extremely _difficult_ answers? “Well…” Gordon hesitated. “That’s uh- because I worked in a… very _weird_ place. A weird place with… super powers and aliens.”

Joshua hummed. “Do you have other alien friends except for Tommy?”

“I… I know a- yeah,” Gordon said. “Tommy’s dad? His name is G-Man. He’s an alien too, but he’s busy, so I don’t see him very often.” He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, debating whether or not he should include Benrey in his list of _alien friends._

They weren’t _really_ alien anymore, right? Somehow? Benrey was human now, apparently, but he was sure there would still be questions about their… general appearance. They _themself_ said it looked off, and they weren’t wrong. Not many human beings had a yellow eye and a mouth full of sharp teeth.

And also, they weren’t friends.

He decided to leave Benrey’s species a blank space for now. “I do have one other… acquaintance.” Shit, that wasn’t a word you used with a three year old. “This other guy I know, they um… you’ll probably meet them this weekend, if I can remember to ask Tommy.”

Luckily, he was saved from any further questions about Benrey by pulling into the bowling alley parking lot. He could see Bubby and Dr. Coomer’s car, meaning they were here already and possibly causing mayhem.

Gordon sighed. “Okay. This is gonna be fine.” He turned off the car and exited the vehicle. “Alrighty! Are you ready to go bowling?” Joshua nodded excitedly, fumbling with his seatbelt for a moment before hopping out of his carseat. “Don’t forget Cashew.”

Joshua collected the stuffed horse, then took Gordon’s offered hand and stepped carefully out of the van. “Are your friends here?”

“Yep,” Gordon said, opening the door to the bowling alley. “Don’t worry, I’ll point them out when I see-”

“Hello, Gordon!”

Not even two steps into the building, and there were already two arms thrown around his middle, damn near knocking the wind out of him. “Hey, Dr. Coomer,” Gordon managed. “Can you- uh, loosen up a little bit? No HEV suit.”

Dr. Coomer pulled back, smiling apologetically. “Ah, yes. I forget.” His gaze flicked down to Joshua, his smile widening. “Gordon, is this your son?”

“Yep,” Gordon said proudly. “This is Joshua.”

“And Cashew,” Joshua added, holding up his toy horse for Dr. Coomer to see.

Reaching out to straighten Joshua’s hat, Dr. Coomer said, “Your boy is _beautiful,_ Gordon!” Joshua giggled, ducking out from under Dr. Coomer’s hand. “Would you boys like to get started? Bubby and I only arrived a few minutes ago. We haven’t even grabbed our balls yet!”

Gordon choked on a laugh. “Dr. Coomer- you can’t just… please don’t say it like that.” He regained his composure and looked down at Joshua. “Let’s go get some shoes, okay?

Joshua’s nose scrunched. “I have to take off my cowboy boots?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, bud.” Gordon led him to the front counter, Dr. Coomer following next to them. “Oh, hey, where’s Bubby?”

“He’s fucking it up in the arcade!” Dr. Coomer declared happily.

Gordon cleared his throat loudly. “Hey, uh… maybe we don’t curse in front of the three year old, yeah?” He nudged Joshua gently. “Don’t repeat that, okay? That’s a grown-up word.”

“I know,” Joshua said. “I won’t.”

“Good,” Gordon said in relief. He and his ex put a lot of trust in each other to take care of Joshua without each other’s supervision. And now Gordon needed to show that he was back to one-hundred percent after his recovery, and that he could _handle_ watching a three year old. He had twice as much to prove, and as much as he loved his friends, Joshua cursing wasn’t a good demonstration of his parenting skills.

There was a tug on his sleeve. “Daddy?”

“Hm?” Gordon blinked, realizing he’d zoned out while standing at the counter. “Oh! I’m so sorry,” he apologized to the girl behind the counter. “I just- yeah.”

The lovely girl behind the counter waved off his brief inattentiveness with a smile. She cooed at Joshua a bit, who hid behind his toy horse, and pulled down two pairs of shoes for them to put on. Gordon requested barriers for the gutters for Joshua, which Dr. Coomer didn’t seem to have any objection to.

“I’ll retrieve Bubby,” Dr. Coomer said. “You two go grab your balls, and we’ll meet you at the lane.”

“Please stop phrasing it that way!” Gordon called after him. He sighed when Dr. Coomer continued to walk away without acknowledging what he’d said. “Alright, guess we’re not getting rid of that one.” He scanned the lanes to find theirs. “Hey, buddy, do you remember your numbers?”

Joshua nodded. “I can count.”

Gordon smiled. “Well, do you think you could find line number nine for me?” He pointed to the first lane. “That’s lane number one, okay? Which one is lane number nine?”

“One,” Joshua counted quietly. “Two, three…” He squinted at the lanes, pointing at each one as he whispered the numbers to himself. “Uh… that one?” He pointed to lane number nine, looking to Gordon for confirmation.

“Great job, Cowboy,” Gordon congratulated. “You got it.” He took Joshua’s hand and walked to the table in front of their lane, dodging a few other bowlers roaming about the alley. “Let’s get your shoes on, and then we’ll grab some bowling balls.” _And one of the little ramps,_ he made a mental note to himself. Even with the guard rails, Joshua would still need some help. Luckily, the bowling alley had something to help with that.

They weren’t anything fancy, just short ramps made of two metal bars. Kids put the bowling ball on the top, and pushed it down, letting it roll off the ramp and down the lane. It was certainly going to be more helpful than Gordon’s bum hand.

He wished he could help. It’d be more fun to participate, he knew that, but it’d only be fun so long as his hand didn’t act up. And he _knew_ it’d act up, and then he’d have to stop, throwing off everyone else’s game, and then it wouldn’t be fun anymore. It was better to just hang back. No sense in ruining everyone else’s fun.

“Didn’t know it was Halloween,” a voice behind him said. “What’s with the hat?”

Gordon recognized Bubby’s sarcasm and continued helping Joshua tie his bowling shoes. “Howdy, Bubby! Have fun in the arcade?’

Bubby scoffed. “Of course not. All the games are child’s play.”

“He didn’t have any play coins,” Dr. Coomer chimed in. Bubby grumbled in response, much to Dr. Coomer’s amusement.

Joshua kicked his legs out as soon as Gordon got done tying his shoes, eyeing Bubby curiously. “How come you have science clothes?” he asked.

“Because I am the perfect scientist,” Bubby replied. Gordon stood and turned to see Bubby was indeed wearing a labcoat, though he was wearing a red turtleneck under it rather than his usual light blue one. It was nice to see a change in color. “How come _you’re_ dressed like a cowboy?”

“Because I’m the bestest cowboy,” Joshua answered with all the confidence that Bubby had.

Bubby raised an eyebrow. “Noted.”

“Cowboy,” Dr. Coomer repeated, “an animal herder who tends cattle on ranches in North America, traditionally on horseback, and often performs a multitude of other ranch-related tasks. The historic American cowboy of the late 19th century arose from the _vaquero_ traditions of northern Mexico and became a figure of special significance and legend.”

Bubby snorted. “Harold, the kid’s three. He doesn’t need a history lesson.”

“Knowledge is power, Professor!”

“Doctor,” Bubby corrected.

“Professor.”

_“Doctor.”_

Joshua tugged on Gordon’s sleeve. “Daddy, why are they fighting?” he whispered nervously.

Gordon ruffled his hair. “They’re not fighting, bud, they’re just playing.”

“I most certainly am _not,”_ Bubby interjected.

“Then can you two save the lover’s spat for later?” Gordon suggested. “Why don’t you guys go get your bowling balls, and I’ll start putting names into the computer thing.” That seemed to distract Bubby and Dr. Coomer well enough, leading Joshua to the nearest rack of bowling balls to find something that everyone could carry.

Knowing Dr. Coomer, he’d picked the heaviest bowling ball he could, which was… sixteen pounds, if Gordon was remembering that lesson from elementary school PE correctly. Why they learned about bowling in PE, he never understood, but it was kinda fun.

“I take it you’re not playing, then.” Gordon jumped, not realizing Bubby had sat down next to him. It was hard to hear over the sound of other people bowling around them. “Your name isn’t in the computer.”

“Yeah,” Gordon replied. “Uh- no, I mean. I’m not playing.” He limply waved his right hand. “Not much I can do with this, you know? And I figured it’d be more depressing than anything to watch me bowl with my left. I really only got a pair of bowling shoes so I could maybe help Joshie, as long as my hand will let me.”

Bubby seemed to want to say something, but Dr. Coomer and Joshua had returned. “Daddy!” Joshua called excitedly. “We’ve got balls!”

Gordon wheezed. “Oh, jeez- _yes,_ Joshua. I see that.” He rubbed his eyes. “Hoo, boy… maybe it’s the college student in me, but I really wish I didn’t find that as funny as I do.”

“College…” Bubby trailed off. “Huh. You know, somehow I forget you’re only twenty-seven.”

“I forget too, don’t worry.” He pushed away from the table and stood. “Alright, Cowboy! You wanna leave Cashew on the table so you can bowl?”

It took a minute of explaining for Joshua to realize what the ramp was for and why he got to roll the ball twice, but in the end, he seemed satisfied with the seven pins he managed to knock over. Gordon showed him the points he’d scored on the computer, a glowing seven next to his name, while Dr. Coomer took his turn.

Bubby watched them carefully. “Smart kid you’ve got there,” he said slowly. “At least, I assume he is.”

Gordon gave him a funny look. “Um. Thank you, I think?” He gently pulled Joshua’s hand away from the screen before he could accidentally mess something up. “Yeah, I’d say he’s pretty smart for a three year old.” He paused. _“Oh,_ you’ve never met a three year old before, have you?”

“No,” Bubby said, “I have not.” Dr. Coomer returned, signaling that it was Bubby’s turn. He quickly stood and left, looking almost embarrassed.

Joshua watched Bubby bowl, laughing a little as his ball hit the guard rail. “He’s bad at this.”

“That’s not very nice, Joshua,” Gordon scolded lightly. “It’s not about being good or bad at the game, it’s just about having fun.”

Dr. Coomer watched Bubby take his second shot at the pins. “My dear Bubby has never been bowling. I think he’s doing rather well for his first time.”

“Oh.” Joshua watched him roll his second ball down the lane, this time _not_ hitting the rail. “How come he never bowled before?”

Gordon glanced at Dr. Coomer. “Well, just… not everyone goes bowling, bud. I mean, this is only our second time, you know?” They’d gone bowling for Joshua’s third birthday. It seemed like forever ago now, and Gordon had been thoroughly embarrassed by his lack of skill.

Though it was likely that Gordon’s reasons for never bowling were _vastly_ different than Bubby’s.

Bubby came back to the table looking discouraged. Joshua got up, Gordon assumed to bowl his turn again, but he instead walked over to where Bubby was sitting. “You are doing very good,” he said, patting Bubby’s arm.

“I…” Bubby blinked. “Thank you. But I assure you that I’m not.”

Gordon hid a smile at Bubby’s flustered expression. “It’s your turn to bowl, Joshie.”

“I wanna do it myself this time!” Joshua bounded to the ramp and shoved it closer to the lane. Gordon trusted him enough to do it alone, now that he’d been shown how to do it once.

Dr. Coomer smiled warmly. “Your boy is wonderful, Gordon.”

“I know,” Gordon said. “Greatest kid in the world.” He let his chin rest in his hand. “Smart little dude. Made his own breakfast this morning! Didn’t quite get it all cleaned up, but it was still pretty impressive for a toddler.”

Bubby tilted his head. “He… made breakfast?”

“Yeah, I… woke up later than I meant to,” Gordon admittedly sheepishly. “So he made himself a bowl of cereal.”

Dr. Coomer got up to take his turn, but Bubby continued. “Why didn’t you set an alarm?”

“Well, after Black Mesa, I hadn’t needed to.” Gordon helped Joshua climb into his seat and hand him Cashew. “Guess I’m falling back on my old ‘heavy sleeper’ habits.”

“Good,” Bubby grunted. “You could do with a little more sleep.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

“That’s what Papa said!” Joshua said, reminding Gordon of their conversation earlier that morning.

“Okay, that-” Gordon sighed. “Look, I’m pretty sure it was a fluke anyway, but I _am_ gonna start setting my alarm.”

Dr. Coomer returned to the table. “What was a fluke, Gordon?”

“Me sleeping late,” Gordon answered. “I don’t- why are we discussing my sleep schedule right now? Bubby, go take your turn.” He tugged at a strand of hair that had escaped his ponytail. “Like _my_ sleep schedule is the worst thing,” he muttered.

Not like _Benrey_ was staying up all hours of the night looking out a _window_ or anything. But sure, whatever, Gordon was the one that needed to fix his shit or whatever.

“Did you do anything differently?” Dr. Coomer asked.

Gordon shook himself out of his train of thought. “Huh?”

“You said you slept harder than usual last night,” Dr. Coomer said brightly. “Did you do something different?”

“No. Well-” Gordon glanced at Joshua. _Still don’t know how to explain Benrey, abort abort abort-_

Joshua hopped out of his chair. “My turn!”

Gordon exhaled in relief, then turned back to Dr. Coomer. “I didn’t really do much different last night, except for talk to Benrey, but-”

“Really.” Bubby slid into the seat next to Dr. Coomer, lacing his fingers together. “You. _You_ spoke to Benrey.”

“I- yeah?”

Bubby raised an eyebrow. “Willingly?”

“Not really, it- I was _trying_ to call Tommy, but Benrey picked up the phone.” Gordon rubbed the back of his neck. “I willingly _didn’t_ hang up on them, if that’s what you’re asking.”

A wicked grin spread across Bubby’s face, not unlike the smile he wore when he was about to light something on fire. “Well, I’m sure they appreciated that.”

Gordon frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Daddy!” Joshua called. “I got them all down!”

“What?” Gordon looked over to see Joshua had gotten a strike. “That’s- wow! Great job, Cowboy!” He chuckled to himself as Joshua yee-haw’d. “Wasn’t expecting that.” He turned back to Dr. Coomer and Bubby to see that they were still staring at him. “Uh- yeah? Hi? Can I help you?”

Dr. Coomer sighed in a happy sort of way. “Young love is beautiful, Gordon.”

“Oh… ‘kay?” Gordon said reluctantly. “That’s- sure. Totally not off topic at all.” He noticed Joshua about to roll the ball back down the lane again. “Wait a second! Joshie!” He stood quickly and intercepted the ball before it could start rolling. “If you get all the pins in one shot, then it’s the next person’s turn, okay?”

Joshua looked up at him in confusion. “No, I’m s’posed to go twice.”

“Yeah, but-”

“You said so,” Joshua said, attempting to push the ball again.

“I know I did.” Gordon kept his hand on the ball to prevent it from moving. “But if you knock down all the pins, then it’s the next person’s turn.” Joshua looked ready to start protesting, so Gordon added, “You also get a super cool X on your scoreboard. Wanna see?”

Joshua considered for a moment, then let go of the ball and walked back to the table. He then made an ordeal of showing off the X to Dr. Coomer and Bubby, who were patient enough to let him, thankfully.

Gordon was relieved he’d managed to prevent an argument. He may have been four months rusty with the parenting, but the distraction method still seemed to work just fine.

He lifted the ball to put it back, wincing at the way his hand protested the weight. _It’s not even that heavy,_ Gordon thought bitterly, but he kept it off his expression. “Hey, I think I’m gonna get some lunch. What do you guys want?”

“I want cashews!” Joshua exclaimed.

“Don’t think they have cashews here, Joshie,” Gordon told him. “Besides, you need a lunch food, not a snack food.” He squinted to see the menu on the back wall. “I think they’ve got nachos. You guys cool with nachos?” He would have suggested the pizza, but that just seemed redundant. He’d already had pizza with Tommy and Benrey, why not pick something new?

Benrey had probably never even eaten nachos. Did they even know what nachos were? Probably. They _had_ to have, right? Black Mesa wasn’t _that_ isolated from the outside world.

Was it?

Gordon shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Hey, Bubby? Could you- do you wanna come with me?”

Bubby heaved an exaggerated sigh. ”If I must.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t necessarily need Bubby to come with him, but he had a question, and he didn’t think anyone else would be able to answer it. He waited until they were a good distance away from Joshua before he started the conversation. “Can I ask you a question?”

“I knew you wanted to ask something,” Bubby said. “What the fuck do you want?”

Gordon sighed. “I was just wondering about- I know you and Benrey were in Black Mesa for… a while.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And Benrey doesn’t really seem to know much about, like, _anything.”_ He waited for Bubby to say something. When it seemed like he was still listening, Gordon continued. “They’re adjusting okay, I think, with Tommy and all that. I was just wondering how _you’re_ doing.”

Bubby was quiet for a moment before answering. “Admittedly, it’s harder than I thought it’d be. I’m not used to being… _bad._ At things.” He watched a couple of kids dart past them. “I was meant to be perfect, you know. It’s hard to accept when I’m not.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Bubby said. “It’s not like I have _zero_ experience with the outside world. You wouldn’t believe how many times Harold snuck me out of the facility.”

Gordon blinked at him in surprise. “Wait, seriously? How the hell did you guys manage that?”

“We’re both too strong _and_ too smart for our own good,” Bubby said. “You do the math, college boy.” His expression softened. “Still, there _are_ some things I don’t understand, that’s something Benrey and I have in common.”

They arrived at the line, so Gordon watched what he said, in case someone was listening in on the conversation. “So, what if someone didn’t really, you know, get out of… the facility?” Gordon asked, trying to avoid saying _‘Black Mesa’._ “You think they’d still adjust okay?”

Bubby snorted. “I’d pity the poor bastard, to be honest. I think I’d have gone insane if I didn’t have Harold to bust me out every once in a while.”

Gordon frowned. “Huh. Yeah, I guess… I probably would, too.”

_‘You’ve really never been outside?’_

_‘Once. It’s one of the… that’s- it’s a not today thing.’_

“Hey.” Bubby nudged his shoulder. “We’re at the front of the line. You gonna order or what?”

He blinked. ”Oh! God, I am _not_ on my A-game today.” His damn mind wandered in spite of itself, even after they’d received their nachos and returned to the table. He was barely able to focus on Joshua asking Bubby if he was _really_ like a firebender.

Aside from a mumbled warning, he couldn’t even find enough attention to divert to Bubby, who was currently setting a chip on fire to show Joshua. He hoped Bubby took the warning seriously,though, weak as it was.

His phone felt heavy in his pocket. Suddenly, he couldn’t blame Benrey for staying up all night looking out the window. The outside world must seem like such a big place to live in once you’ve survived a place so small.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah ha... yeah. I'm sorry. This was meant to have more substance, but I don't have the ~energy~ and I'm so, so sorry. I hope you guys enjoyed the Joshua content, he is a delight to write for, and probably the easiest too, considering I've got nine younger siblings that I can use as reference, lmao.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and your support. I know this is supposed to be slow burn, but I almost feel like I'm going... too slow? Is that a thing? idk, but I'm gonna be getting back to Gordon and Benrey interaction soon. (and by soon, I mean next chapter. Benrey is gonna meet Joshua next chapter, are ya ready kids?)
> 
> If you wanna yell at me about stuff, my Tumblr username is @randomhl-vraifam Love y'all, *mwah*!


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